He doesn't want me

manderin
manderin Member Posts: 2
edited February 2016 in Sex & Relationship Matters

i am 40 years old. I had a wide local excision in November with minimal scarring. As it healed I was amazed at just how non invasive it was. Nevertheless my husband hasn't come near me since diagnosis. I look as I normally did except for a 4cm scar that curves around my left nipple. Its been a difficult year for us both healthwise. He has a chronic illness that came to a head earlier this year, - he threatened suicide so I had to get him institutionalised for a time - it was just too big for me to handle, and he is now on medication that amongst other things significantly diminishes his libido. I also carry the main financial burden in the house, and with his meds, he can only work part time. I'm currently on radiotherapy and have been taking tamoxifen since January 1st. So far so good, there are no side effects - long may it continue, except my libido has increased! this seems to be unusual, is it? I've discussed this with him, but he just isn't able to be there for me - and he doesn't want to touch me. He is lethargic, sleeps alot and this combined with the rejection of my body, hurts deeply, even though i know its largely the meds. I am not in pain, I have not been mutilated, so I guess I have little to complain about. But I've come to realise that sex is important, and I need that touch. Is it unfair or wrong to consider a discrete affair? There are no children, so its only ourselves.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2016

    Dear manderin, Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the community. We are so sorry to hear about your cancer, cancer treatment and the lack of physical intimacy with your husband. It is hard to know how much is related to your surgery and how much is related to your husband's illness and medication. You may be interested in reviewing this page with links to other topics on Sex Matters. You might also consider professional counseling either for yourself or for you and your husband. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and could benefit from additional support to help you navigate all that comes with being both a breast cancer survivor and a caregiver. We are sending you lots of hugs and encourage you to stay connected here and wait for others to offer support as well. The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited February 2016

    Manderin -- just checking in to see how you're doing since your first post. We're sure there are others here who may empathize with your situation and weigh in...

    Please keep us posted and let us know how we can help!

    --The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • littleblueflowers
    littleblueflowers Member Posts: 2,000
    edited February 2016

    I am so sorry for your pain and your situation. My husband doesn't want me either. He just plays video games and avoids interaction. I wish I had advice! Sending hugs your way...

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited February 2016

    My heart goes out to you. We are dealing with lack of libido on both counts. My DH is in poor health and I'm just uninterested, so our sex life is completely flat.

    It sounds like your DH is deeply depressed. Perhaps his meds needs adjusting. Or maybe they need changing. Many psychotropic drugs decrease libido significantly, but their are some that don't. At any rate, if he's depressed, sex may be the last thing on his mind. It's hard to get interested if you feel unattractive and you're sleeping all the time. And men are extremely attached to their jobs--in fact, their jobs usually define them. It is VERY hard on a man to have to admit that he can't do his job the way he used to. It's a loss of self. And I'm sure he's worried about your finances. He has every reason to feel depressed, frankly.

    If he won't talk to you or his doctor about it, perhaps you can make the call. Of course, he has to be willing to actually go to the doctor and follow doctor's orders.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • bluepearl
    bluepearl Member Posts: 961
    edited February 2016

    Yes....same here. No mental illness involved but no interest in me anymore. So I am raising tarantulas.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • manderin
    manderin Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2016

    Many thanks everyone. I'm going to speak to a counseller next week - so I'll see what they say. I think I've reached a line in the sand though - and I'm going to take matters into my own hands, and reach out to someone else. Honestly I don't think he will care if I do or don't. I was feeling hurt, now I'm just angry. Wishing all of you the very best.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories