I think my marriage is over

I can't say this any more clearly: He is wrong, you are right.

There is absolutely no excuse for a married man to be texting that much with a woman he works with, nor is it normal for them to be saying things like "I miss you" to each other. The fact that he deleted his text conversations rather than show you to ease your mind is a HUGE red flag. His attempts to deflect the blame onto you are also textbook for a person who is feeling guilty. He knows it will work, because he knows you. You are obviously a trusting person. I have been friends with a married man I worked with for many years and because we are only friends and I would never want his wife to feel like there was something more to it I have been very careful to keep some distance between us and to make sure any social interaction INCLUDES his wife.

All I can say is that I've been there. I didn't have cancer at the time, but I had two small children at home. He is now married to that "friend". I'm sorry for your pain. Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to.

After reconsidering, you should not let him make you feel like you broke the trust. He is the one with trust issues

I also experienced this, and with two small children too and I was unwell. Again, he is now in a relationship with this friend, all pre cancer. I urge you to set some boundaries around this man. This will additionally serve to protect you. I too agree entirely with Summerangel and the others. It is absolutely a despicable way to behave, let alone to someone going through cancer for a second time. It maybe that you might be able to work through this with some counselling, but in all honesty I wouldn't hold my breath. So much damage has been done and by default to the children as well, who always know something is wrong even if we don't think they do.

You will get through this, with support, whatever the outcome.

I agree with all the ladies who have responded thus far. He was in the wrong. Deleting those texts were wrong. Not supporting his wife during this time is wrong. What a selfish man he is. I know you are devastated and I hope you have support from family and friends.

Look, I'm no counselor, none of us know the complete details of what you're going through, but I know we all feel badly for you and protective of you.

I've been married over 26 years. There's no way in hell I'd ever allow my husband to have a friendship with a female coworker, text her often and go out with her and pal around and text her while we are on vacation to say I miss you. No way.

For a man to react so strongly to your mere confronting him with the fact that you question his actions tells me he's been distancing himself from you for awhile and is now using the confrontation as a reason to make the big break from you. He either wants you to back off and allow him to continue to have a relationship with both you and the other woman, or he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere and is ready to split.

As Kay says, get a lawyer asap. You never expected your mere questioning him about this relationship with the other women would make him immediately jump to saying he wants a divorce, but it happened. Yet you had every right to want to know what he was up to. He claims it was nothing. If that's true, why is his reaction so strong? Why didn't he say, wow, I never realized this could hurt your feelings, or I'm so sorry my actions caused you hurt. Instead, he claims it's all about his injured pride. Really, it sounds like he's mad because his infidelity of the heart was uncovered.

Years ago in my marriage, I realized I went along with many things because I was afraid of confrontation. I'm not a big Dr.Phil fan, but at the time, I heard him ask on his TV show "are you going along to get along?" I realized I'd been doing that for too long. Putting up with crap. I stopped going along with everything. My marriage was in an upheaval for a couple years after thebecause I decided to stand my ground. But I was worth it.

Another thing Dr.Phil says is "peace at any price is no peace."

SoAlone,

There is too much at stake here to go home and pretend his relationship with this co-worker is nothing. He's emotionally cheating on you every time they text. Because you have children, you both owe it to them to work through this, if possible. I would try to get into counseling, before calling it quits. If texting is his only violation, which I question, then I think you two can work past this. Couples have survived worse betrayals, but this needs to stop before he has broken his vows. I hope you two can work through this.

Amy

SoAlone,

It would not be responsible or fair for me to give marital advice based solely on your posts, and the fact I am not qualified to give counseling to anyone (unless you're a first grader with reading or math problems). However, if the situation has devolved to the point where you are saying the demise of the marriage is your fault and he is mad that you keep bringing up the situation with the other woman, then something is very wrong. You are being manupulated, plain and simple. You deserve far more than someone who would treat you like that, despite his other "good" qualities . Don't settle for crumbs, whether you have bc or not.

I agree with all these replies. Hydranne, your story about the broken glass is powerful.

It sounds to me, SoAlone, that your Husband is the one throwing away the marriage. He's the one who wants a divorce. All you did was want answers to something that was bothering you. He is the one overreacting by asking for a divorce because you, his wife, who should come first before ALL other women, are asking him to explain his relationship with the Other woman. He is putting that relationship before the one he has with you. He is throwing the marriage away.

I agree it is high manipulation on his part. He wants you to feel ashamed of yourself. You did nothing wrong, but he wants you to shoulder the blame.

His past actions of good deeds are all well and good, but you live in the present. Ask yourself if he's currently making you the number one woman in his life, treating you with respect and being considerate of how you feel Now, Today, not last year or when you got married.

soalone, I've been through a crappy marriage and wish I had gotten out sooner...but, better late than never. It's very hard when you are in the middle of a bad relationship, to see everything clearly. Eventually, it becomes your "normal". You end up justifying things that you know deep inside are not right. And the fact that you have children makes it harder. I think you should seek counseling for yourself and your children, if your husband won't go. My (ex) husband did agree to go to counseling to pacify me, but nothing changed. It did make me feel better about my decision to leave and validated my feelings. If he really cared, he would certainly not leave you at a time when you need him most. Take one day at a time, lean on your friends and family. ((HUGS))

Please get a therapist because you need someone who is totally on your side. Then, little by little, you will sort out what's what. It sounds like you are in the middle of a whirlwind and trying to figure out which way the wind is blowing. IYou need time and someone who is trained to help you out.

There's a saying, “just because you're on a diet, it doesn't mean you mustn't look at the menu." “Look" being the operative word. Seems like your husband wasn't merely “looking" but at least yearning to taste the menu--perhaps already having sampled it, and looking for any excuse to justify and give free rein to that. He may have been the perfect helpmate during your first bout with cancer, but some people are just not strong enough to go through that again (or even once, e.g. John McCain and John Edwards)--he may be thinking (at least subconsciously) “I was selfless beyond the call of duty already--that should be enough to give me asshole privileges." A platonic relationship with the co-worker may have been a harmless (perhaps even healthy) safety valve the first time around but taking it to the next level as a coping mechanism this time is unhealthy. You had every right not to trust him, since he gave you ample reason to suspect--and his own guilty conscience took him over the edge when called on it. All you did by expressing your distrust when you did was prevent delaying the inevitable. Now is the time to be proactive and protect your financial interests, as well as protect your kids from further emotional damage. Believe me, as awful for them as your cancer is and a divorce may be, a prolonged battle and living in a loveless marriage while they see him getting what he wants during the worst health crisis of your life would scar them irreparably (and perhaps warp their own morals). Cut your losses and move on. You may find someone else who will treat you with tenderness and compassion....but even remaining single and reaffirming your self-worth is better than letting him twist the blame around and control the narrative.

I have a cousin whose third husband was dying of prostate cancer. She didn't cheat on him, and visited him every day in the hospital. One day after he went into remission, she demanded he buy her an expensive diamond bracelet she was eyeing. When he asked her what was the occasion, she replied, “Because I was devoted to you and took all that time being by your side." Not only didn't he buy her that bracelet, he filed for divorce and wrote her out of his will, he relapsed, and it became final a week before he died. Devotion comes with the territory of being married--it should be the norm and doesn't deserve a reward. It's okay for spouses to have close platonic friends, even of the opposite sex--but each spouse needs to be Friend Number One, period. That's what love really is.

HE threw your marriage away. You didn't.

I don't know...if he had nothing to hide he would not have deleted the texts. If any woman texted my husband to tell him she missed him....we'd have trouble. It might be both of you here...