Very alone, very sad, very scared

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butterfly2b2016
butterfly2b2016 Member Posts: 2
edited January 2016 in Just Diagnosed

Hi,

I was diagnosed officially on December 8th. I have been with a man that was not a very caring or kind person to me, he is simply a Angel to everyone else, and no one can believe me that he is so very cruel. I was already suffering from a pretty terrible depression when I got the news. My ex-boyfriend really didn't talk about it after that day. He never asked me how I was doing except for one day! I was literally shocked! I felt that there was hope after all! When he saw my face, he instantly knew that was my reaction, and quickly smiled, and gave me that "look" he wanted sex! The very first, and only time he ever asked me how I was I was so excited to think he actually did care, only to find out he couldn't care less about how I was, he was simply seeing if I wanted sex! After that day I was angry! I kept it inside. Growing, festering, everyday I would ask Eddie if they needed any help at the church he is re-modelling, I asked him for support from his church, I asked for a Turkey, or to go to the church, abd serve Thanksgiving, and Christmas dinner. Both times, he never asked, he never went out of his way to ever help me. Day in, and day out, I was at home. I quit working when I got sick, and found out later it was cancer. Some say that they don't feel sick, but I did immediately. Tired, anxious, and sick to my stomach. Eventually we became glorified roommates, six years together wasn't important enough for him to change. Leaving me alone everday to go to work, no car, friends gone. Now he is gone, we finally had the big one, he was gonna punch me in my face, because I misspoke a word he said. He is Mexican with a strong accent, and all I couldn't do was understand what he said. My three grandkids were here, he had only been home for 5min, I was serving my grandkids food, and Eddie got in my face, and counted to two, bawled up his fist, and said this is what happens if I get to three! I will punch you in your f'ng face! All because I misunderstood him! My three year old grandson saw his grandfather about to hit me, and begged him not to hit his grandma Eddie continued to fight with me, as I was trying to call the police, he had me on the ground, twisting my arm to get my phone from me, he grabbed my phone, threw it at the wall, it didn't break, I picked it back up to put it together crying hysterically, my grandkids were crying hysterically, a dinner uneaten by three small babies. The reminders of what was too be a normal night. Finally after begging, crying, and pleading he left, only to go to my mother's!! My mom has known for awhile that he was not very good to me, but I stayed so there wasn't much she could do. Than after all of this, he goes to the one support system I had, and told my mom about me always crying about my cancer, and that I was "cancer crazy!" That I flipped out, and was playing the "cancer card" he said. Now I am all alone. My ex Eddie is staying with my mom, I don't talk to her now, I just can't. I feel so betrayed that I cannot say anything without losing it! I am so sad, I have no friends, I am alone all the time unless it's one of my million of Dr's. I am so sad, and mad! I am so devastated that this is just a bunch of rambling, all I have is me. Alone, alone, alone, always. I have not been this sad since my son died 20yrs ago. I am sure this makes no sense, all rambling, no sense I just don't know if I can do this alone! Help!


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  • ChiSandy
    ChiSandy Member Posts: 12,133
    edited January 2016

    You are too worthwhile to allow yourself to be with such a selfish, controlling, hot-tempered misogynistic abuser of a man. It really IS better to be on your own than to put up with that. It may be painful, but you MUST explain to your mom how hurtful it is to you to see her help someone who mistreated you so badly, and that it’s either him or you....but be prepared to break off relations with her if she sides with him.

    I was hesitant to comment on his nationality (except for linguistic communication problems), but there is a definite cultural disdain for and proprietary, condescending, paternalistic dominant attitude toward women, especially those they feel are “theirs” by marriage, financial support or romantic relationship. Explore your other options.

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  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited January 2016

    I'm assuming you aren't working so no social life there. Can you reach out to a local church? There are usually retired people who would be willing to spend time with you or assist you. Don't be afraid to ask. Take care and glad you are rid of the dog doo. Your mom ...I don't know what to say

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  • cuddyclothes
    cuddyclothes Member Posts: 160
    edited January 2016

    OMG. You're free of an abusive, uncaring, sadistic man. Being "alone" is better than being afraid and feeling like dog sh*t all of the time. I agree, ask for help at your church, anywhere you've done volunteer work, literally ANYONE you can think of! People want to be asked to help. I know from my own experience, feeling I couldn't reach out. But I could. My neighbors helped me, as did other people. What about the teachers at your kid's school? Also consider an abused women center. Ask, ask, ask. Cancer is a horrific thing to go through with support. I can't imagine how it is. My heart goes out to you.

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  • etnasgrl
    etnasgrl Member Posts: 650
    edited January 2016

    (((((Hugs)))) I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this on top of your cancer diagnosis!


    As hard as it is to be alone during a time like this, you are SO much better off without this jerk in your life. Please know that and PLEASE don't get back together with him....ever.
    You don't need to go through your cancer alone, there are a lot of resources out there. Online, you can come to message boards like this one and receive a whole of support and friendship from other women going through the same thing as you. In the "real world", there are a lot of breast cancer support groups out there and I suggest that you find one. The best place to look would be where your are receiving your cancer care. I'm sure they have info on support groups and can point you in the right direction. If not, you can always do a google search for groups in your area. Meeting and talking with other women going through breast cancer can be so helpful....and I'm certain that you will create a lot of new friendships as well!!

    You and your grandbabies are precious and deserve so much better than this jerk. Move forward WITHOUT him.....you will find that life will be a whole lot better!
    I wish you all the best and I hope that you continue to post here. I would love to get to know you better!

    Smile


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  • Melgirl
    Melgirl Member Posts: 165
    edited January 2016

    Families can be chosen. Find your support through others in your community if old friends do not support you. Go to support groups through your doctor but do not feel that your only option is to be mistreated. Turn the page and start over.

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  • Jujubee16
    Jujubee16 Member Posts: 28
    edited January 2016

    my dear if there is ever a moment to put yourself first it's this one. You're a priority, you're beautiful, important, special and worthy of all the support and love in this world. I'm saying that from my heart. Please make yourself #1 right now. I promise you support, compassion and love will come from the most unlikely of places. My only sibling died a month and a half before my diagnosis on 12/31 and I have found people who I didn't expect, some I barely knew and some I didn't know at all came to my aid. These people cared for me, helped me, felt my pain, and showed me unconditional love when I expected those closest to me to do it. I was lucky to have a good man, friends and family by me but I KNOW you will soon find you are far more loved than you imagine. I'm here. Email me if you ever feel like you need a friend. We are sisters in our battle. United we will beat this disease. May God bless you and keep you strong. You're not alone. everyone here cares

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited January 2016

    so sorry u had to go thru that abuse but here u have friends n support my fiancee at time niw husband was so wonderful during my battle i thank God for him i am a long time Survivor 22 yrs this yr so i like to come back to Inspire others going thru so u are Not alone we are here for u. nsphil(isc stage2 0\3 nodes Lmast chemo n rads 5 yrs on tamoxifen) hang in there sweetie

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2016

    Butterfly-

    We're so sorry you find yourself here, but just know, you are not alone. We echo what many of our community members have already said: you are in a better place without him, and now is the time to focus on your health and moving forward. Find a local support group, ask your doctors for recommendations, and lean o nthis community here. You can get through this!

    The Mods

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  • Patch
    Patch Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2016

    you are not alone. Do join a local church that has small groups. Join one small group and experience love and care of Christians. My wife just been diagnosed for breast cancer and because, we are members of such a community ( and know God), we are at peace. Though of course, we are learning and exploring in this life threatening adventure.

    Philippians 4:6-7 for the bible...

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  • butterfly2b2016
    butterfly2b2016 Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2016

    Thank you everyone! I kept checking to see if anyone had read my pitiful post! I haven't learned yet how to talk kindly about myself, for years, and by no fault of anyone but myself I have simply been a pain in that man's a##! I was devastated when I found out, and all my family, friends, and Eddie I believed would be devastated as well, and do whatever that needed to be done just to get through this, but I can't explain it any better than my theory on it, and I pray I am right! I believe that ALL of these people never did care as much as I thought, and regardless they weren't going magically change into good, caring, support! Like with Eddie I have spent years just settling on everyone, and everything, being broken down to believe I simply didn't deserve any better people to have around! I kept trying to think of what I kept doing so wrong to everyone, as my friends, and family have been disappearing left, and right! Seriously thinking what kind of POS I must be to have people abandon me at the worst time ever, but these people were barely here for the good! I expected what I would've of done myself for someone facing this! I have been literally been beaten myself up, wandering what I kept doing so wrong to everyone to make them leave!? Again I thought these people cared, and now it's really the worst time to find that out! So far this is the only support group I had the nerve to speak up on. I am just heartbroken, and so mad!! God am I mad! I keep blaming myself for the way people have disappeared, but than I started to think they weren't the greatest people without problems! Sorry so long again, and again rambling! I did tell my mom that if she was associating herself with Eddie than there could only be one of us, he has a huge family in Texas, and Mexico, but now he's got mine too, because my mom certainly choose, he is living there! I can't even go over there anymore, because it would cause Eddie stress! Blown away! Believe me I heard your beautiful words ladies, and I thank you so much for them, I must now put those words into actions, and stop this pity party for one! Thank you so much for hearing me! Sorry still devastated, and still talking negative!

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  • kaylynn
    kaylynn Member Posts: 124
    edited January 2016

    Well I have to chime in here to,since I hadn't seen this topic of MEN cant deal with it mentioned here. I also am finding out that my boyfriend is not happy about me going for a biopsy and has pretty much put me on ignore and left Monday to go to work 140miles away.Has not contacted me since,has never asked if I have an appointment since I told him jan 4th I needed a biopsy. I have been thru cancer before and I remember the people disappearing from my life like they could catch it.It was so devastating at the time,but I can tell you it made me stronger to say fine I can do this alone.Now I don't really have the fear of I have to have people to get thru things,ok it does help to have one or two to talk to but they can be found even if it is this forum.You may feel week and alone right now,i know I do and I have been thru this before.But you will get so much stronger in mind and about life.You will learn that you are worth a lot and that it was just them tearing down your defenses.I have been thru the mother standing by the guy thing before to,and I agree to keep the distance from her for now to avoid anymore stress and anxiety. You are never alone.Reach out of your comfort zone to other people and you will be shocked who is will be there for you.It will be the least expected.Sadly not always family and best friends. As for me I don't know what I will do "with him". But I know I can manage just fine with out him if he cant stand by me through this.

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited January 2016

    Eddie and your Mum deserve one another!!!!  How damn selfish..........he is clearly a very practised manipulator, you are better off without him.

    I lost the man I loved and my only child - in both cases cáncer was the final straw and they both bailed out, my ex did not even bother to step out of his safe little confort zone, he jsut shut me out more and more.  I was so lonely and felt out there floundering on my own and I was really floundering, in the end it was only PTSD counselling that helped me, after I sobbed for two hours in the first sesión full of self loathing........and he has shown me that others should step up to the plate and help not expect me to carry on doing all the emotional work........ you find out who your Friends are and of course it says a lot more about them than it does about you, or me.....we are other people´s walking nightmare..........and any sane person would be devastated in your position........

    A great big FU to Eddie

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  • kaylynn
    kaylynn Member Posts: 124
    edited January 2016

    Wow so amazing to hear we are not alone in the man thing! Fyi my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years also lost his marriage of 24 years. His wife left after she felt he wasnt there for her for breast cancer. She like i had no intentions of even telling him of the diagnosis.  You think he would have learned but i guess it is just the way people are and they cant be changed. We think they will change but they cant. I knew when i had to have double eye surgery and he never offered to take me or ask about it i was in trouble. So i guess i am not shocked he is reacting the same way this time. As for my family that is left i have said nothing to them and wont either i will not give them the chance to run again. Since they already have. You sure do find out who the real people are thru this. That may not be a bad thing. 

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  • mettasun
    mettasun Member Posts: 18
    edited January 2016

    Serious illness in one's significant other, and cancer in particular, is one of the best ways to tell the men from the boys. A lot of peter pans out there.

    butterfly2b2016, I wish you good riddance of both diseases, the bc and the boyfriend.


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  • kaylynn
    kaylynn Member Posts: 124
    edited January 2016

    Peter pans,great new name i will use

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  • Sunnyone22
    Sunnyone22 Member Posts: 191
    edited January 2016

    Butterfly, I can't help but chime in with the rest of these wonderful ladies. I had a boyfriend much like yours. Narcissistic, self-centered, and couldn't have cared less about me if I was sick. If it didn't have anything to do with him, he wasn't interested. I finally dumped him over a year ago and I'm so glad not to have his vampire-like life-sucking energy around me anymore. I was just diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma and I need all the good energy around me I can get. If he were here he would drain that from me. SO glad he's gone and SO glad your Eddie is gone too. Sad that he's with your Mother but that's not your problem. Right now, every bit of your focus and energy should go into fighting your BC. It is a blessing he is gone in time for you to pull yourself together and steel yourself for the BC treatment ahead. You WILL beat this and BC might just be the big awakening you have in your life to discover just how strong and wonderful of a woman you really are.

    God bless you

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