Husband's reaction

josie1954 · November 2006

I feel bad even writing this. He has been so good to keep us the house and wait on my needs, but he is so emotionally distant. He never has been a great communicator and we have had these problems in the past, but now I need him more than I ever have in my life and I don't know what to do. I feel very unappreciative of his efforts, but I feel so alone in this.

suzie14 · November 2006

Josie, I am so sorry your husband is being emotionally distant. There could be any number reasons for his reaction. Perhaps he just doesn't know "how" react. He is probably scared and worried. Have you tried just asking him to hold you? Maybe this will break the ice.

I hope you soon get some of your emotional needs met and do thank him profusely for helping you with the house.

Hope you are feeling better soon. Wish I could be of more help.

Gentle hugs,
suzie

Shemp · November 2006

Suzie is spot on with the escared and worried bit. For some people, it is easier to compartmentalize. Maybe he feels the need to be strong, but that comes across as cold and distant so as to prevenet from getting close and potentially upset. The worst thoughts flash through everyone's minds for a moment, and it's easier to be distant when emotionally shielding oneself. I doubt that it's a matter of lost love as much as it is his own concern for your future together. Don't despair, just find ways to get him open, and make sure you keep communicating until he finally does. That said, that's an opinion, not science!

Serendipity26 · November 2006

I just found out that my mom has breast cancer again. She had it the first time 13 years ago. My dad sounds a lot like your husband. He shut down. Men aren't known for sharing there emotions like we do. My dad had no idea how to cope. You just need to remember that it is very hard to watch a loved one go trough cancer and know that they have no control of the situation. Your husband I'm sure loves you very much and couldn't imagine living without you. Try not to get upset with him. Men like to be able to fix things and he can't fix this. I know that was very upsetting to my dad. And like Shemp said he may feel the need to stay stong for you and if he brakes down it will make you feel worse. I just found out my mom has cancer again and I didn't want to cry in front of her. I didn't want to make her feel like she needed to worry about me. I did however take a 45min shower and broke down in there. Bottom line (and this is just my opinion) Your husband loves you. Remember that. I'm sure the last thing he wants is for you to worry about him. Try to keep th lines of comunication open without pushing him to talk about things and when he is ready he will come to you to talk.

MIdb · November 2006

As a caregiver, I can understand the distancing thing. First, it is bad enough to know that your loved one is going through something like this. In my wife's case, it is especially bad because her reaction to the chemo the first time was unbelievable, and we were sure the it had been beat. Watching her suffer all over again is doubly hard. I wince at each groan. For each of her tears, I seem to shed two (mostly in private).

Second, knowing that she will probably not survive this is also hard. I do not want to lose her. I do not want to be alone.

One of the defensive mechanisms is to distance oneself from the situation. It is not the same as ignoring it, but just distancing. Ruth knows there are times I really want to run away. There are times I have to force myself to be the caregiver she needs me to be. Especially when she distances herself from me.

I wish I could make this whole thing go away, but I can't. The only thing that I can control is how I react. I don't always react the right way, but she knows it is not because I don't love her anymore.

Pain does peculiar things to peoples' minds.

Bimmer · November 2006

Believe me, I know just how you feel. My wifes first bout with cancer was 9 years ago. She did adriamiacin back before they had Aloxi.. Last year she got cancer in the other side and opted for "dose dense" epirubicin followed by the same of abraxane. Now she is stage IV with mets in her right femur, pelvis, chest and liver. Currently taking avastin and xeloda with a little Zometa on the side. She is triple negative and her prognosis is not good.
She is 49 years old and just retired from High School Voleyball coaching last month. She is in fit condition, except for the cancer.
It seems that I have emotional lows and emotional "not so-lows". There are no more emotional highs. Every once in awhile I forget about what this cancer is doing to her, and me, and our lives.. But that only lasts a minute, then a get slapped back to reality.
I don't know how to act, I don't know how I should feel, I don't know what to say to people when they ask me "How's Diane?".. I just breath in, and breath out, and do that again, and again, and try to get thru each day...
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose her.. But like most other things, I have no choice in it!
Another thing, sex! In our 31 years of marriage we both have always enjoyed a , shall we say "healthy" sex life. Now, it appears to be about over.
I feel like a junkie thats been on good drugs for years and all the sudden... BOOM! Cold turkey! You are "cut off".
That also is both emotionlly and physically complicated to deal with. One of those things that is there, but you can't relly talk to anyone about it.. Or you look like a horse's ass.. So you just brush it aside and try to forget about that too... It just helps to make eveything else more difficult to deal with...

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · December 2006

Hi,

I was diagnosed two months ago. At first I tried to make everything light for my husband, and take as cheerful as possible an attitude so he wouldn't worry. The result was that he appeared not to be worried, and the worry was all mine. One night during our evening drink, I got angry with him and challenged him. I told him it was really cool for him to deal with all this because he didn't have to have the surgery, or the chemo, or any of it. That led to our first real discussion about what was going on.

He really changed. He had been hiding how he felt; instead of being "brave" for me I began seeing how worried he was and I realized he really cared and didn't want to lose me. I was worried about what would happen to him if I died, and we talked about that. I don't want him to be alone; I want him to remarry, but I don't want him to settle too quickly for someone who might not love him enough or take advantage of him. I gave him a little pep talk. We also talked about the sexual problems that might come up in our own relationship and how we would deal with them.

We now feel much closer than we ever have at any other point in my marriage. He has become very solicitous and loving and is a wonderful support for me.

soccermom · December 2006

Bimmer- re sex...from what I've learned, "they" say if you had a good sex life before, it can return. But I don't know how ill your wife is feeling, you say she is "fit", so if she is feeling well and you remian patient and supportive, I would hope your sex life could resume. The best thing is trying to have no expectations, but just offer her physical comfort, snuggling and cuddling if possible. I was really ill through chemo, and my husband was not supportive...we previously had a great sex life though...it just took a long time before I felt physically well enough; but emotionally it was harder to "get there" as he was not supportive...

Josie- I can relate...it's sooo hard feeling alone and going through all this. If you've had communication issues before, have you seen a therapist or anything? Maybe you can locate a good thereapist that can help you both here...ask your onc? I really feel the emotional aspects are often soooo overlooked during bc treatment. I hope you will get some help and feel better soon.

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