Advice needed.

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caaclark
caaclark Member Posts: 936
edited January 2016 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I am an almost 10 year stage III survivor. I work with a young woman (30 ish) whose mother just died of breast cancer. The wake is in a couple days. I have been to wakes before and have even been to a wake of a relative who died of breast cancer. For some reason the thought of going to this wake is overwhelming, daunting, freaking me out, etc. I only met her mother once but this particular situation hits too close to home for me. I am fairly certain there will be talk about her "long and painful fight that ended in her death after over a decade." At what point do you decide to avoid the trigger of fear and sadness instead of going because it is expected?? Do I just suck it up and go and then spend the next few weeks talking myself down? All advice appreciated.

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  • wrmbrownie
    wrmbrownie Member Posts: 114
    edited November 2015

    I Think the main purpose is to support your friend, but not at the expense of your anxiety and worry. You can be a friend in other ways instead of going to the wake. Perhaps sending flowers/ donation in her name and then lunch sometime later. I'm sure she'll understand.


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  • ShetlandPony
    ShetlandPony Member Posts: 4,924
    edited November 2015

    I agree with brownie. I know you want to take care of your friend, but you also need to take care of yourself. It sounds like attending the wake would be traumatic for you (and I can understand why), so let other people provide your friend with support . It's not like your friend will have no one else to support her if you don't go. Either tell her why or make a good excuse, and send the flowers or donation.

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited November 2015

    I agree with the ladies above. We need to listen to that inner voice. Unfortunately, we will always have some triggers and it's known only to us. Take care of yourself which is the best thing for everyone.

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited November 2015
    What all they said! You are a kind, generous friend to even be dithering about this. Flowers, a sweet note in the mail, lunch later...all of these acts speak caring and support. Your presence at the wake is not mandatory.
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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2015

    I agree with all these sentiments, Carol! People who haven't been through what you've been through won't get it, and you can support your friend/co-worker without going. I feel like I have to be true to myself first, and i rarely find a need to explain myself.

    It's always great seeing you checking in here!

    Hugs

    Bobbie

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited November 2015

    Thanks everyone!!! I ended up going after all but I headed straight for my friend and skipped the visit to the front of the room. I really appreciate those validating all the feelings I have! Thanks Bobbie for the nice words. I'm hoping to be checking in during the month of January when I will hit 10 years!!!

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  • NoWhyToIt
    NoWhyToIt Member Posts: 87
    edited November 2015

    I was stage three, too. No way would I do this to myself. No way. If you need someone to tell you it's okay not to, here I am. No way.

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  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited November 2015
    You need to really take that anxiety into consideration...... I just lost my dear friend to this beast, of course I went because we were so close , however the recovery has been really hard. take care of you, its ok to not go. you can support in so many other way my friend......
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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited November 2015

    A 'wake' has different meanings with different beliefs. To me, from experiences over years, when the term 'wake' is used - it means an excuse for a rip roaring party. When it is simply paying respect to a loved/respected one who has passed it is referred to as a 'Viewing' (even if it is a closed casket) to express feeling to the family left behind.

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  • Lizb58
    Lizb58 Member Posts: 7
    edited January 2016
    Hello everyone. I am 4 years since dx. Dbl mastectomy & reconstruction. Finally starting to feel almost normal. On Friday new years day I showered and applied my lotion. I felt a weird lump under left breast. Feels hard and maybe on my rib? My original cancer was on right side. I called oncologist first thing this morning and will get seen by a PA on Wednesday. Any advice. Scared all over again.
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  • enjoyevrymoment
    enjoyevrymoment Member Posts: 334
    edited January 2016

    Liz, I am glad you are getting it looked at, hoping you are doing well and sending you hugs

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  • Lizb58
    Lizb58 Member Posts: 7
    edited January 2016

    thank you.! I will be back with some answers soon.

    Had a biopsy. Was negative for cancer, thank God! Fatty necrosis.as soon as I heard that term I remembered my PS telling me that could happen as a result of the fat grafting he did in Nov 2014. Very relieved but my oncologist still wants an MRI in a week.

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  • kathleen1966
    kathleen1966 Member Posts: 793
    edited January 2016

    I'm glad you went and was going to advice you to do exactly what you ended up doing. See you soon when you celebrate your ten year milestone!

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