So surreal and the signs that got me here

ayr1016 · December 2015

It is all still so "surreal". I am a single mother of 3. Even though my children are a little older (teens), it is still so hard to see the pain in their faces and hear the "I'm scared" in their voices. This is going to be long, but I want to tell my beginning story.

About 6 months ago, I went to a new General Practice doctor. I looked her up and she had excellent feedback. Initially I was not going to be able to get in with her, but somehow I got a new patient appointment. I was 40 at the time (turned 41 in Oct) and she talked to me about the importance of getting a mammogram now as opposed to waiting. My general practice doctor is a breast cancer survivor. I do not have a family history of breast cancer. She sent the referral and I did not make the appointment. I am a 'work-work-work' type of person and give it my all to make a life for my children and I. I put myself on the back burner. I bought a house in October and moved in November (this was a GREAT triumph as no one thought I could do it). I work from home half of the time. One day (in November) I drove into work and saw at the park across the street the 3 day Susan B Komen walk going on. I paused in my car when I pulled up and watched for a moment as they walked by with all the pink flair on and with the intensity and desire of being on a mission. A week or so later I caught a glimpse of myself after a shower in the mirror and thought "hmm, my left breast looks a little misshapen". I do not know why I did not do a self exam that moment. I don't know if I was in a hurry to get to work of if one of the children called out for me, but I got distracted. Jump forward to the evening of December 15th. I do not know why I was prompted, but I did an impromptu self exam and found a lump. "Weird" I thought. Maybe I'm just feeling fatty tissue, it can not be a 'lump'. I called the doctor the next morning (wed) and got an appointment for Friday morning. I also called a mammogram place, but could not get in till Dec 28th. It did not take long after the doctor gave me a exam for me to realize the concern on her face was serious. She got her nurse to call the better of the mammogram places (one that I actually could not get an appointment with till January) and got me an appointment for the following Tues (Dec 22nd). My general doctor told me she felt like the lump was 3cm. I was in to much shock to ask more questions, which I regretted afterwards. The waiting is the hardest ever as I know all of you know. I was scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy. At my Tuesday appointment, the radiologist (who is also a breast cancer survivor) was very transparent with me and told me that she wanted to prepare me for cancer. It was irregular shaped (I could tell from the sonogram myself). She told me she did not feel like it was in my lymph nodes. The biopsy was a nightmare. It was okay till the end. I nearly jumped off the table. She hit a spot that was not numbed. My eyes flooded with tears that I could not stop (it was as if my body took over because I did not want to cry). Needless to say, I'm still sore and bruised. It was a possibility to get the pathology report the next day she told me (23rd), but it did not come back. I got my "results" on Christmas Eve December 24th. I know you can not be technically staged, but she has seen many cases and suggested to me stage 2 grade 1 size approximately 2.7cm ductal carcinoma. My general doctor called me (that day) and gave me referrals for oncologist and general surgeons. The oncologist is the dr. that takes care of her. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm trying not to let the information scare me. I'm trying to be stoic. I feel so alone. No partner, my father died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and my mother is not able to be there for me (she has a lot of problems herself including addiction).

I keep going over all the various scenarios that could or will happen. How the heck can I do this by myself? How much can I lean on my children? I can't do this to them!

How do you tell people? On one hand, I want it to be private (I'm a private person by nature), on the other hand I feel people need to know. I don't want pitty. Initially I didn't want to hear "I'm sorry". But, I've realized that is what people say when they don't' know what to say. I know I'm going through a gamut of feelings and emotions that only you all know (I'm from Texas, so if I write "ya'll" you will know why I try hard to write it out online (you all instead of ya'll). I don't want to be a burden on people, but I know I will need help. I have told close friends and family. I still have extended family + my 'ex'. How do you tell an ex? We are not that close. In fact, my two oldest children chose not to see him. But, I know I will have to eventually tell him because my son still sees him on a semi regular basis.

This is the beginning of my journey. I fully believe that I have been given several 'signs' in the past 6 months that led to me finding the lump, making the dr. appointment, etc. I feel like it has been my guardian angel (my dad). I am petrified. I am still stunned. I am still somewhat in denial (depends on the minute of the hour), but I am trying to prepare myself to be ready to step into the ring with this beast and give it my all and then some. I am brave. I am hopeful. Thank you for reading the beginning of this chapter in my book of life.

Optimist52 · December 2015

So sorry that you are going through this and at this time of the year. You seem like a very strong woman. I'm also a private person and this time have chosen not to tell friends, only close family. That's a totally personal choice for my own reasons. Best of luck with your results.

phrogger78 · December 2015

I don't have a ton of advice, I'm brand new to this myself. I had my first appointment on the 7th of December after I found my breast looking off on the 6th. I had the mammogram and ultrasound on the 11th and the radiologist told me he was sure it wad cancer. I did have a friend with me but honestly in that moment I was in my own head. She at least was there to hear what the dr. said.

as for kids, I've told my two oldest boys, they are 19 and 16. One is hopefully starting nursing school in the fall so he understands a bit more than the average teen and my 16 year old actually wants to be a bio medical engineer so he reads cancer articles in his free time for fun. I knew i could share with them and I can depend on them for help with rides to the dr if I need them because they aren't scared. I have my husband but he is navy and will beleaving soon so I need the extra support. So my thought is, if your kids can handle it, lean on each other. My oldest hs told me already that he's glad I've been keeping him in the loop.

I wish you didn't have to go through this, but you're not alone.

Kiks1 · December 2015

Ayr1016, your book of life started many years ago. This is just another chapter. My father passed away when he just turned 50 from a brain tumor as well ( and that was 29 years ago, I was 20 then). I had always felt he had been with me since but somehow wiser ( hard to explain). I admire your strength and tenacity and wouldn' t even know how to be a single mother, much less buy a house, raise the kids and dealing with an ex. I was dx on Nov 30 ( seem like a lot of us get such bad news around the holidays) and am further along the journey. It DOES get better but I am not going to lie, it is still a very lonely and frightening chapter to write. It is good that you have met many survivors along the way, I feel their experience and empathy always lend me strength.

All I can say is that the experience has shown me so much. Some good - 'angels' I have met, the compassion of people who are selfless and generous, I have made a promise to pay it forward, and I hope my teenage daughter will grow up to be a sincere and emphathetic person. Some bad - don't understand why some 'friends' and family has just went mia after hearing the news. It breaks my heart but I am trying to learn forgiveness. Some hard - trying so hard to accept the fact that ' tomorrow was never promised to us', trying to live in the moment. Still fumbling around and trying to find my way.

Know that we have a whole community of people on this board who are always ready to pick you up when you fall. The waiting is always the hardest and patience has never been my virtue. Perhaps, God is trying to teach me a lesson I was too stubborn to learn in the last 49 years! PM if you need to vent. I am constantly here trying to learn as much as I can. You will be in my prayers.

SassyCathy · December 2015

I was newly diagnosed on the 23rd of December after a lumpectomy and sentinel node surgery. I can completely relate to your post! I have told only a handful of close people but my husband has told many. I will be following your journey and praying for you. Hugs...

keepthefaith · December 2015

You will learn a lot and get a lot of support from this forum. I am also single, divorced, but my 2 children have children of their own. It is never easy telling your kids, no matter how old they are. They will be scared, but they will probably want to be there for you, however they can. Allow those close to you to help and support you. That can be hard at times, too. Chose who you want to share your news with. You may want to wait until you have your final pathology report and you have a treatment plan in place, to tell some. You will find that most people don't know how to react and some may say "the wrong things". I would suggest taking a trusted person with you to your up-coming appts, if you can. I never realized how strong I really was until I faced BC. This is a time you need to be "selfish". You can do this! ((HUGS))

BethL · December 2015

like many, your story is very familiar. Thankfully you've found this place of support. I was diagnosed 10 yr ago, then again last August. This 2nd time around I didn't make any grand announcements like before. I wanted to tell those I work with but I sat down with most one to one. I told my story the way I wanted and don't regret a thing. I did have more time to do it because my surgery was delayed until dec. 4th because of a post op infection from my 1st surgery in august. My point is, how you tell people is your choice. Your kids have already been through a lot, as mine, from living with a single parent. They are strong too. You cant do it all on your own, which I know is tough. If I had it my way, I would have just done all this without telling anyone until it was over. Clearly not an option. We need help. I did a calendar for my ex for the whole month of December of the boys activities so he could help my mom. He didn't do any of it, it was my poor mom. Another strong woman. Many from work helped by bringing food, etc. And I felt the prayers and thoughts.

Stay strong, but allow breaks- you are human. You can do this! This is a great place to voice your worries, rants, etc. So thankful for the women here who have helped me, and who will help you too.

Skittlegirl · December 2015

It is a personal choice when and what to tell. I opted to be open while waiting for the biopsy results. Hoping that it would be nothing, but being easier handling the news it was cancer with all the support.

My kids are younger, so we waited until the "it's cancer" results were in to say anything to them. Then just tried to be as honest as we could and explain in terms they could kinda understand.

ayr1016 · December 2015

Thank you all for the welcoming words and support.

keepthefaith - your words " This is a time you need to be "selfish"." makes me teary. As a mother, being selfish is something I have never allowed myself to be. I have a lot of work ahead of me to become the person I need to be to get through this.

Kiks1 - " I have made a promise to pay it forward, and I hope my teenage daughter will grow up to be a sincere and emphathetic person". This inspires me to really hone in on making sure that I also pay all the kindness forward. I believe others have the same feeling, but once you are told "you have cancer", it is like you see life through a new set of eyes. I also hope that my children see the kindness by example and practice is in their daily lives as they move on into adulthood.

phrogger78 - looks like we are starting our journeys at the same time. Your two oldest are about my two oldest children's ages (but mine are girls How encouraging that one of your son's is already knowledgeable about Cancer (reads articles). I am sharing some of the stuff that I am learning with my girls as I learn, but I don't want to overwhelm them. My son is not able to fully comprehend beyond the fact that he thinks I'm going to die. He is the youngest and has always been dependent on myself and his sisters. I have decided to get him into counseling asap.

Again, thank you to everyone who has responded. It is such a lonely place to be. Even if you have a loved one holding your hand or hugging you, there is always that dark empty space inside when all is silent and you have your thoughts racing a million miles. Which is frightening as heck since I'm at the very beginning of the road with this journey.

I have Ativan that I've been prescribed for awhile now to keep my anxiety in check. Funny thing is that a 30 day supply (30 pills) will last me 4-6 months. I will only take 1/2 of a 1/2 or just a 1/2 of a pill when I feel anxiety coming on, etc. Now I have been taking a whole one each night to get to sleep and stay asleep since finding the lump. It is that dark empty place I go to when I'm in bed at night alone.

I have so much more of the discussion board to read. It doesn't feel so lonely with you all.

phrogger78 · December 2015

I completely understand the one who has a hard time grasping the more abstract. My step son who is 16 as well, has autism and while he has a gist of what's going on, until I get the completely plan of action from the oncologist, I won't go into great detail with him. he knows we think something is wrong and we need more information from the dr. that is as far as we've gotten. Every child is so different, but in the end I hope our kids see their mothers kick cancers ass.

Merymete · December 2015

It gets easier. You are at the "not-knowing, Ativan-taking" part. We have all been there when the bottom dropped out. What will happen is, as you get each test result back, a little more of the bottom comes back. As in, ok, it's this, this is how we are going to attack it. Every little bit of knowledge adds to the times during the day when you are NOT thinking about the cancer. You will get there, you will own this. You've got this!

Gabby56b · December 2015

I shared my story with everyone, work and family. Diagnosed right after my birthday in July, wanted people to know you don't always feel a lump. Mine was misshapen areole. They have been there through my biopsy, lumpectomy, reexcision, mastectomy, foobs and now chemo. My mom passed away the day before my mastectomy and I planned her funeral from my hospital bed.

I wanted everyone to see my story, since cancer touches so many lives. They see my laughter, the tears, the jokes. Life goes on. I wanted people to be comfortable. I didn't want to have to remember who I told what to.

when my hair started falling out, my work family went and bought me scarves to wear.

it is a personal choice, and I am content with my decision.

i

fightergirl711 · December 2015

I am also recently diagnosed (barely two months ago), what I have found is that sharing the diagnosis has generated so much support - an unbelievable outpouring of love and faith that I have I am actually relieved that I've told people. I had to tell work right away because I couldn't travel to speak at a conference (it was terrible timing) and they have been nothing but supportive. I work online and and have written a few blog posts about my experience, and friends and colleagues have been amazing. I understand the stress about the kids (I have a 14-year-old and 9-year-old) and felt that it was important that they hear the news and updates from me before hearing it from kids in the community. As a result I think it has been easier; there are other mothers they know have had breast cancer, and are fine now, and so it's not as scary, despite the word "cancer."

But it hasn't been easy, I can attest to that like the others here. I have anxiety, I'm taking meds and and in fact meeting with a therapist tomorrow. If I can be more present without crying every two minutes I have no problem with taking the meds. But ayr1016 do what YOU need to do. Of course we think of our kids first no matter what, even at our worst.

We're going to be ok. We have to be. A friend of mine who called me after learning about my Stage III diagnosis told me, "It's your job now to be the rock star." He has been treated for Stage IV lymphoma, decided to start his own company during chemo one day and now it's an Inc. 5000 company. It's our turn to be rock stars for our kids. They are going to learn resiliency and perspective. We can do this!!

Spookiesmom · December 2015

As the others have said, you are in the worst place now. But it DOES get better. During my treatment I felt like pitching a tent on the hospital grounds, seemed I was there so much. Glad to hear you have meds and are using them. They won't e forever.

I wanted to say, too, that my parents have been deceased many years. Before I finally got the mamo, I felt a strange presence, pressure, from them to make that call. I'd be driving, almost hear their voices to CALL THE DR. I found myself talking back, OK daddy, I will. They were with me like that for the year. So I think you did feel your dads presence. He will be with you, watching. Talk to him, tell him out loud. I'm in no way religious, but this helped me get through. I'm 3 years out now, NED.

You can do it. Lean on your kids, and ask for help. Kids can cook and clean. Don't try to be superwoman.

gardengypsy · December 2015

ayr1016~

When I was diagnosed, people began stepping up with lots of advice. You will feel very supported by most people, and all of the blogs and community pages like this are fabulous. You have a new family of kind warrior women!

Your concern for your children really stands out. I was worried about my young grandchildren, who lived with me when I was diagnosed. Our hospital had a "child life" specialist, who worked with issues around children and cancer. She gave me some excellent advice that I will pass on to you.

She let me know that it is important to be honest with kids and to teach them about cancer. Otherwise, they become fearful of things that just are not true. For instance, "Mommy got sick because I was bad", or " I will catch her disease."

I taught my grandkids a little about the science of my illness. This made it less scary. We looked at pictures of cells, and read about what a surgeon does. They were intrigued. There are good books out there for kids and the library can get them for you for free.Some parents bring the kids to appointments, some don't. It's all up to you.

I was a single mom for decades, and I know how hard this can be. Reach out for support and it will come to you. Just be sure to trust your kids. They love you and that love will protect you and them!!!

~gardengypsy

Jujubee16 · January 2016

My dear Ayr1016, I believe there are no mistakes or coincidences. Your story is testament to the fact that life, God, the universe (whatever you believe in) needed you to find out and beat it. I can't imagine going through this as a single mother but know that I'm here. We will fight together. I recently lost my sister and was going to skip my appointment because I was so overwhelmed. But I looked up at her urn in the living room that morning and felt her telling me to go. She was with me at my last ultrasound and mammogram last March. Glad I listened. I'm sure you can relate to the roller-coaster we are all on right now. But hang in there and let those emotions fuel your strength. The strongest creatures on this planet are women. That's no accident. Let's get healthy together love. God bless you and protect you. I'll keep you and all the other ladies here in my prayers

Gilberto_Farthing · January 2016

I am so sorry that you all have to go through this. I know you all are such a strong person that you all will definitely win the fight, and I will be adding my positive thoughts for you every day. All my love and wishes for all of your continued fight.

So surreal and the signs that got me here

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