Life has made me tired

I'm for the most part a positive person. My faith in God has helped me through the difficult part of getting diagnosed and treated. These past 2 years have taken a toll on me. Recently I look at my parents cat and say, I wish I were a cat. There has been so much going on that I just feel tired. It's been one thing after another.

This might be a little long, but just where I've been the past 2 years. Two years ago, and this will be a super shortened version, I found out that my dad was having an affair with his 1st wife. He came over as a refugee and was not sure what happened to his 1st wife. IN the states he met my mom, they had my sister and then me, and then my dad's uncle asked my dad to sponsor his 1st wife. She ended up living in the same house with my mom while she was pregnant with me. All that stress caused my mom to hemorrhage while giving birth to me. things happened, and my dad ended up staying with our family.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago and my mom had a feeling that other lady was back. I picked up on her intuition and checked my dad's cell phone and read messages I wish I could erase from my mind and it was true. I didn't tell my mom, I had to get more facts. I'm pretty smart and figured out ways to view conversations through email, and fb. This was around Thanksgiving or Christmas, I can't remember. The kicker was when I found out he was starting a savings account for the 2 of them and he was working on a plan to leave our family.

I went into mama bear protective mode and knew I had to make sure my mom was not wiped out financially. I had to keep that information to myself for about a month and it was hard. I read things that I will never share with my mom and that my dad doesn't know I know. It was a heavy burden on me. There were meetings with a lawyer, divorce papers, the pastor, and in the end my parents ended up staying together and the other lady is as far as we know out of their lives, although she made out with some cash. One day I'll turn their story into a movie because everything in between is crazy.

Was that stressful? Yes! My mom thinks that part of the reason I developed cancer was because of that stress. One will never fully know, what caused their cancer, but I don't doubt that had an effect on me.

This year was another crazy year. In the beginning my boss was out for 3 months because her dad got sick. I had 2 new hires in my department so was the manager, trainer (my job), and had to train 2 new people. IT was a big juggling act, but I succeeded. My boss was back in April, and in April tragedy struck. My friend who was only 18 went cliff diving with some friends. When he and a friend dove, she couldn't swim so he went to save her. Unfortunately the impact of how he hit caught him off guard and when he went to save her he ended up drowning.

He was an amazing young man. He was supposed to enlist in the army in July of this year. He was a born leader, physically at the top of his game, and a kind young man. I was able to run the Spartan Race with him in January. My emotions shut down, I couldn't feel, I wanted to, but I couldn't feel what I thought I should. There were tears, but my body tried to protect me. People said give it time, but then the next thing in life happened.

Exactly a month later in May I went to the doctor to get a referral for the ultrasound. In May was when I found out I had cancer, and we know how that goes. There were tests, the unknowns, a bit of fear. I had my mastectomy in July, and 3 weeks into my recovery I found out that my boss, co-worker, HR supervisor had quit, and my SVP mysteriously left. I was freaking out because now work was going to be chaotic when I returned due to new upper management. I got anxious and couldn't eat, lost weight and realized I can't do this, I need to focus on recovering. I had been with the company for 9 years.

I did start to look for new work because I thought when I return I have two options, either stay and hope it's good, or leave if it's not. Finding a new job in and of itself can be difficult. Finding a new job, trying to determine what health insurance the other company has, how you'll make it to doctor's appointments, if you'll have the same doctors, how you can get time off for another surgery was a lot to think about. My main thing was I need decent health insurance, because my last job had phenomenal health insurance.

Thankfully I did get hired by a new company, I can keep my same doctors, and am able to have the exchange surgery. I still haven't figured out all the doctors appointments yet, but I will. Now I'm learning new things at a new company and my brain is still working and thinking and doesn't get to relax.

I've held up pretty well through all of this, but it has been a lot, and I think I'm finally feeling it. I have my exchange surgery in January. I tell myself I've lived a good life and experienced some great things. I'm 35, not married, I don't have kids, so if surgery didn't go well and I didn't make it through it, that'd be ok. I'd be in heaven and finally relaxed. I'm not saying I want to die, it's just the thought that is going through my head at the moment because life has taken a toll on my mind and body.

I figured if anybody would understand it's you wonderful ladies. Cancer is one thing, but i haven't had to deal with just cancer. My friend who I've grown up with, her dad died of lung cancer this year after learning about it for only 4 months. My great uncle was killed in a car accident when a truck carrying construction equipment didn't stop, barreled into his minivan, causing it to rollover and get crushed. He had surgery after surgery trying to save him, and ended up dying. His funeral was on my bday, the day before I returned to work.

I don't know what my next step is to relax, and to enjoy life. I don't know how to shut off my brain, and I think I have a lot of things that I need to deal with, like my parents. ONe thing happened after the other that I haven't had time to deal with each situation. It keeps getting pushed down because something else came after it that became important.

Thanks for reading! I do wish I was a cat right now.