Am I normal?

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Indyjones
Indyjones Member Posts: 5
edited December 2015 in Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned

I just passed my one year breast cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed with triple positive stage 2b cancer and I'm BRCA positive. I have gone through perjeta, taxotere and carboplatin chemo, double mastectomy one radical, the beginning of reconstruction, FEC treatment, radiation, finishing up herceptin and taking tamoxifen. In February I will have a full hysterectomy and the silicone implants placed.

I am having trouble feeling normal. I'm terrified that the cancer is lurking in my body and waiting to attack. I am also about 45 pounds heavier than when I started treatment. I always feel disconnected from others now. Like they can't understand how I'm feeling.... How different I am now.... I want to spend weekends on the couch in my jammies. Sleep late. Watch movies all day. When I leave the house, it feels surreal and overwhelming. I am comfortable at work, unless I have to leave the safety of my office. And I worry that every pain I have his cancer....

Throughout this whole year, I could not wait to be past all these treatments. Now that I am here, I am paralyzed with fear and I'm not sure how to get back to normal. Or better than normal.

Is this normal?

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  • littleblueflowers
    littleblueflowers Member Posts: 2,000
    edited December 2015

    Well, I'm only 9 months past diagnosis, but your experience seems totally in line with where I'm at emotionally. Sorry you are feeling rough, sister. (((Hugs)))

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited December 2015

    Hi Indyjones, welcome to Breastcancer.org! We're so sorry for what brings you here, but we're so glad you've joined us.

    Yes, you are completely normal. Everyone deals with fear and stress differently. To be worried about recurrence is one of the most frequent fears after breast cancer diagnosis, and you'll find lots of members here under similar circumstances that we hope will make you feel you're not alone.

    Also, the main Breastcancer.org site has an article that you may find interesting: Your Feelings About Recurrent or Metastatic Breast Cancer


    Hope this helps! Let us know how you're doing, we're all here for you!

    Best wishes,

    The Mods

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited December 2015

    Indy, you need a period of time to recover and regroup before you move forward. Your body has been through quite a lot in the past year. It will get better but you must allow yourself the time to heal. Just because the treatments are completed doesn't mean your body is ready to snap back into shape.

    I had a big year of treatment, too, finishing in October of 2011. Tho I continued working part time, I rewarded myself by purchasing a big screen tv and allowed myself to sit at home all winter long watching shows and playing games on my iPad. It allowed my body to rest, rest, rest. Please do not minimize what your body has been through. You must practice tender loving self care. If you feel like lounging in your pjs, buy a beautiful new pair, sleep in and just do what you really want to do. Nothing says you must socialize all the time and be perky positive. I, too, remember being comfortable around only a few people.

    In time, I gradually began to feel better. It happened over a number of months and not overnight. Then I started to plan a weekend trip to NYC where I'd never visited. It gave me something to look forward to. It is okay to take baby steps. You are still recovering.

    One more thing, I worked with my primary doctor to find the right antianxiety medicine to help take that edge of fear off that had been preventing me from moving forward. Please consider meds if you aren't already taking something. Many of us use them as a tool to cope, either antianxiety or antidepressant meds. If you are taking something, if it is not working, seek the advice of your doctor and find something that will work. It took me a number of tries to find the right one.

    Best wishes to you. Take it a day at a time and allow yourself to relax.

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  • Indyjones
    Indyjones Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2015

    thank you

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  • Jenwith4kids
    Jenwith4kids Member Posts: 635
    edited December 2015

    Totally NORMAL. Just not a normal we are used to. Kinda sucks, but it subsides over time (says she who is only two years out). :)

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  • fizzdon52
    fizzdon52 Member Posts: 568
    edited December 2015

    Yep totally normal, it's my 2 year anniversary shortly and I still freak out every time I have an ache and think it's cancer. I think this is my new norm :(

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  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited December 2015

    3 years this past September. ...and I've just gotten to the point where I'm not consumed with fear. Yes, it still rears its ugly head but doesn't bring me to tears or to my knees as often. You've been through hell and are crawling back. We get it. Our families can't get it, our friends don't get it. No one does or can....unless they've walked in your shoes. You are normal but most importantly, you have a whole world of listening ears and support here. Keep reaching out. We are holding your hand and walking beside you.

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