Major Depression, PTSD, Burnout, post cancer/double mastectomy

Options
geroNP23
geroNP23 Member Posts: 32
edited December 2015 in Life After Breast Cancer

Okay, wasn't sure where to post this, and really pretty lost with everything. I will post here, and forgive me if not quite the right area. And I apologize for the length. Thanks in advance for reading.

Brief background: diagnosed with DCIS, stage 0 intermediate grade, R breast in Feb 2013. ER+ 100%, PR+ 90%. HER2 neg. BRCA 1/2 neg. but family hx prevalent in my maternal grandmother and her sister, and my paternal aunt. I also had cervical cancer CIS0 in my late 20s, had a LEEP and no issues since. I had a nipple/skin sparing BMX in April 2013, and since I had implants prior to my diagnosis, I had immediate recon with silicone implants. Since then, I have had one fat grafting procedure a year ago. Both of my surgeries left me with pretty significant neuropathic pain in my chest, and flanks where the fat was harvested from.  I am now taking gabapentin, which has helped with that tremendously.

I am a nurse practitioner. I have been a very strong, independent career chick all of my working life. Overachiever, ambitious, and I absolutely love the work I do. Up until my diagnosis, I was a crusader for my geriatric patients, and passionate about life and work. I had a wonderful support system, I have amazing family and friends. I am truly fortunate and my hard work has given me a life I am grateful for, every day. I do not have children. I am married, to a wonderful man who has supported me through this entire experience. He is caring, patient, and loving. I have my two adorable fur babies (cats).

I returned to work after my BMX just 4 weeks after surgery. My supervisors pressured me to come back, as my absence left the rest of my team reeling from trying to cover my patient panel. We were short staffed to begin with, and our team always said we were "one FMLA away from disaster". So, against my better judgment, went back to work. Ever since, I have struggled to stay organized, keep up, feeling very scattered and overwhelmed. My coping and strength were all but gone. I dropped briefly to part-time, but that made things worse, since the work support for that just wasn't there. There were some upheavals in our staffing, and it was enough for me. My job was frought with problems prior to my diagnosis. I just couldn't deal with the changes made after my return. Since then, I have job hopped-2 different NP jobs in the last few years since. Same thing. Not coping well, and took jobs with start up companies which alone is stressful. My memory is even worse.

For a while postop in 2013, I had terrible anxiety. The most difficult day of my life was the day of my BMX surgery-staying on the stretcher as they wheeled me into the operating room. I worked in hospitals as a critical care nurse for nearly 18 years prior to NP school, so this was a journey I helped patients do-not me. This traumatized me pretty severely. Seeing the huge OR team, my surgeons, and some my colleagues, I knew this was bigtime. I suffered from PTSD afterward. I simply could not process that day-it made me anxious and tearful. Did therapy with an amazing therapist afterward-diagnosed me with PTSD. We did EMDR therapy which really was effective for me, and I am better with this now. Unfortunately, she has retired (she was a breast ca survivor as well), and I have since been seeing another therapist.

Present day. For the last year or so, I have slipped into a depression--I guess. I also suffered work burnout, with my current job and currently on a leave of absence (I've been on leave for nearly 6 weeks now-I haven't ever been away from work this long. Ever.) My current job had me doing basically 2 jobs for the past 8 months, on-call, and this is with a new start up company. Chaotic; and usually this type of excitement would motivate me. I am seeing a therapist now. I do have burnout, and major depression. I can barely get out of bed, I have lost interest in everything, even my career. I'm tired. I don't work out (I used to run half marathons, 2 of which were after my BMX). I lay around a lot, I surf the web, I start a book, don't finish it, start another. I stumble through some social things, force myself out for a movie with hubby once in a while, but mostly, sleep now, (sleeping way better  now that the work stress is in limbo). I was dependent on Ambien nightly while working, or I couldn't turn my brain off(since off work, no need for the ambien....). I am so depressed. Yet, I haven't cried. I can't. I feel numb to everything.

I have forced myself to get on the treadmill and walk 3 to 4 times a week, but I don't push myself. I did join a gym again about 2 months ago, but haven't even gone yet.

Even as a medical professional, I am at a standstill with where to go from here. I am seeing a therapist, but hasn't been much help. I have been on Celexa for nearly 6 weeks, and increased my dose to max 40mg daily almost 2 weeks ago. No change. I am perimenopausal to boot. Had horrible hot flashes-until leave of absence-they've disappeared, but might be the Celexa as well.

My hubby feels I haven't processed the whole cancer thing. I have tried support groups, and I feel awkward at them. Some in the medical community don't see DCIS as a true cancer, as you all know. I asked my oncologist about this-"you had cancer." is what she told  me. But I sit next to patients in the support group who had stage 4, or bone mets, and feel guilty for being there. What they are going through---makes my experience so, so so SO trivial. I almost have like a survivor's guilt. I don't feel it's my place to be there.

I have no idea how to bounce back from this. I feel like I have a bit of a perfect storm going on here; perimenopausal, depression, maybe guilt, burnout from work; but not sure what or how to go about turning this around.

People say that the cancer experience changes you. You aren't who you used to be. Would love people's thoughts on this.

Who else has been in this situation? What did you find that helped you pull out of it? What am I missing here?

I just want to get back to that ambitious, energetic, passionate person I used to be. Thanks again for your ears, So glad you to have somewhere to put this.













· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited December 2015

    image

    Edited to add a picture of Daniel Tiger in all his glory.


    Hii gero - I hear you. It IS a perfect storm. Being the strong one, the capable one , the one others lean on. Sometimes it does just pile up and up and up til we bend or break. I'm four years out and I still have those dark days. I'm one of the luckiest women on the planet but sometimes it doesn't matter.

    You mentioned your fur babies. As we speak I'm in my tack room with a "feral" cat from the humane society rolling and purring in my lap. I've rescued quite a few homeless pets since dx. I can't help but feel better when I pet them, talk to them, tend to them. My kids have all flown the nest so the fur kids are the next best thing.

    You know all the right things to do and I so admire you for working so hard to "recover". My only thought is to just keep resting and listen to that inner voice re: what is next. Im so glad you posted. Many of us feel as you do. Sending you a gentle hug!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited December 2015

    You won´t get back to the person you were, she is gone, you probably need to mourn her as she is lost.............if you are lucky and get the right support you will find the wonderful much lauded "new normal" (yes a stupid contradiction in terms but thats the best on offer)

    I lost my job (was self employed), my self esteem, my confidence, my only child (three months in to cáncer as it required emotional effort), my body and hope of ever being or feeling normal again (failed recon and now on a waiting list with 3 YEARS to go, good financial planning by health providers as many will fall by wayside or die before they get to end), my 19 year relationship, and have limited energy, never feel ok physically thanks to rads......no money and really at this moment more invested in dying than in continuing trying to live, except I will succeed at dying (I wont know about it of course) whereas I feel I failed at life and at being a "good" bc patient.......

    Good luck, you at least have a husband who tries to empathise

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Spookiesmom
    Spookiesmom Member Posts: 9,568
    edited December 2015

    If you can, take a lot more time away from work. Use the time to think about a different career path, possibly retire, and do an entirely different type of work with less stress. It can take some time to find your new normal. And it's different foe all of us.

    I still laugh about what a woman I used to work said after she retired. "Nobody ever paid me to stay home before! I like it"!

    Maybe that's what you need for a while.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • susan3
    susan3 Member Posts: 3,728
    edited December 2015

    time goes so slow when we are waiting for something.be forgiving to yourself. Your feelings are real to you and need to be there. It takes time to adjust and get perspective on life. Enjoy fully your good days, for it usually ends up quite a rollercoaster. I try to hang out with my funny friends. And we play games and laugh. I try to hang on to those moments. Life is precious. And the reality is, it's short for all of us.

    Best of luck to y

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • geroNP23
    geroNP23 Member Posts: 32
    edited December 2015

    Thanks to all of you for your posts. Helpful. Helpful to hear these things. I need to let go of who I once was, and I think more than anything, that is what is the hardest thing of all. Financially I will need to go back to work-I'm only 44 (would LOVE to retire though!), and have school loans. Thankfully hubby has an excellent job. He knows I have changed. He's still here and I am incredibly lucky for that.

    I am off work until January 1. My current employer encouraged me to do so, but I think they know I will surely resign. I was driven too hard, and broke. I just kick myself for letting it get to that point. But again, I'm not that person anymore-the one that is resilient and strengthened by adversity.

    It explains why the meds don't help. Why exercise doesn't help. I am merely existing. Cancer sucks everything out of you, no matter the stage.

    I do have better days and not so good days. Today is one of those days. I just appreciate having others around that understand where I am coming from. Some family/friends say just get out there, or go to the gym, go for a run like you used to. Not that simple.

    Hoping with time, it gets better.

    Thanks again ladies. You are all amazing in my eyes. Hugs to you.




    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited December 2015

    I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and feeling so much guilt and unable to work. I know how hard you worked to get your NP. I admire you so much for that. Take your time. Grief has no time line, you know that. You will make item back. Best wishes

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • geroNP23
    geroNP23 Member Posts: 32
    edited December 2015

    Thanks Beatmon! I appreciate your kind words.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • julieho
    julieho Member Posts: 222
    edited December 2015

    I wanted to also acknowledge that many of us feel this way too. We are culturally programmed to believe that health and a positive attitude are the definition of living and success and that illness and emotional problems mean you are weak or didn't try hard enough at the former.

    We are also bombarded by celebrities with bald heads and huge smiles looking great and saying, I've got this beat. The use of the word warrior is used so often and in obits. Too many times I have read, died after fighting a long battle with cancer.

    I am not at war. War is an act of agression against something or an agressive defensive response. I didn't battle through chemo or six breast surgeries for reconstruction due to multiple infections. Nor was I incredible. There were many times I was told how "amazing" I was for getting through chemo, or returning to anything I used to do. I never found that particularily helpful, although I know most people meant it well.

    I felt like I was trying hard to find out how to be in this new body, how to feel after being suddenly thrown into menapause with no pause whatsoever, due to chemo.

    It has been three years this month since I finished my last chemo and then I had Herceptin for another 8 months. I have had some times where I begin to feel connected to this new person I am becoming but, for much of it I feel like I watch her and wonder who she is as she goes about her day.

    This fall I fell into one of my deepest depressions post cancer yet and I think it really troubled me because it came on after having what felt like the best summer I have had since cancer. I look back at this summer, where I had so much energy and I finally semi-recognized the woman I was watching as being familiar to me and then suddenly she was gone.

    It is hard and I know that like some of the other depressions I have had these past three years it will likely pass in time. For now, knowing I am not alone, that there are many others who face this, many who probably don't find us here on these boards and suffer alone. That even the smiling warrior faces we are shown in the press are often mask that the world puts on us to make them feel better. They aren't really asking how do you feel? What is this like? They are saying show us how strong you are and we will reward you with accolades and drape you in pink. And if you die of cancer you "lost" the battle but are praised for fighting.

    I want to find a place of acceptance about living with the long term side-effects of cancer and treatment, some of which appears to be periodic depression, chronic pain and periodic severe anxiety of reoccurrence due to a relationship with my body that lacks trust. I so long to not see view new pain or discomfort here or there as my body sharing with me that I overdid it, or maybe I need to rest but instead is heard as screaming, if you ignore this it might be cancer.

    I don't know how long this place and depression I am in will last. I am trying most of all to not be disgusted by her, to not judge the woman who does not want to be a warrior I just want to find who I am now. I know I have learned to let go of many things that used to feel so important that now hold nothing of importance for me. Some in a very good way, like having a house that is always clean, beautifully tended gardens, or putting out amazing dinners. I am happy to be free of those things in many ways but I miss not the sense of obligation or obsession that too often came with these things but, the joy I felt in many of those moments while carrying them out. That joy is fleeting now and I so want to find it again. Likely in new things, but nonetheless I do want those moments of joy and connectedness to my life.

    I believe in time it will happen. I had a good summer. I didn't return to many of my old ways but found real joy in the new ways I have to connect to my loved ones and the things I love in life. Anyway, I don't want to suit up and fight my way back. I want to try to gently sooth the feelings I am having, to acknowledge the discomfort and disconnection but not be so angry and frightened by it.

    This too will pass...

    Julieho

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited December 2015

    Beautifully written Julieho. I pray your time in the darkness will not be long.

    To all my sisters especially those facing the pit of depression - you are not alone. I still hang on my PCP's words to me as I lay on his table frozen in grief, terror, and despair, "You're not always gonna feel this way, I promise."

    Surrounding you in peace and love.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • glennie19
    glennie19 Member Posts: 6,398
    edited December 2015

    Gero: is it possible that you could work part-time? You mentioned that you need to go back to work financially, but perhaps full-time is too much of a load.

    It is not that simple,, as you point out, to "just get over this." It takes time. It is a major adjustment. Do what you need to do. Baby steps. Not up to running? Can you walk to the corner and back? Work one day a week. Talk to us. Journal. Whatever helps. We are here for you

    glennie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories