first day of chemo is tomorrow. help me.

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tshire
tshire Member Posts: 239
edited December 2015 in Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment

I start chemo tomorrow. I'm scared to death. I feel fine physically! A basketcase emotionally! How can this be happening to me?

I need some help, some encouragement, some platitudes that everything will be okay.

Here's a list of things I am scared of:

I'm scared I waited too long to start chemo in favor of going to Alaska on a long-planned cruise last week (but it was amazing).

I'm scared I'm not doing the right chemo in not doing AC+T- 2/3 MOs told me to do TC, 1 said AC+T.

I'm scared of all the horrible side effects everyone on this board talks about.

I'm scared I'll get an infection.

I'm scared I will need blood transfusions.

I'm scared the cold capping won't work.

I'm scared of getting frostbite from the cold capping.

I'm scared that I'll be in too much pain from the cold capping and will quit and regret it.

I'm scared that I'll be left with only gross thin hair if any at all, and that my hair will still be gross and thin for my wedding in March.

I'm scared I won't be able to work. I can't really work from home with my job.

I'm scared the chemo won't work and the cancer will come back.

I'm scared that if we end up having a child it will cause the cancer to come back.

I'm scared I don't actually need the chemo at all and all I'm doing is wasting my time and damaging my young "healthy" body.

I'm scared because I heard that chemo ages your body 10 years.

I'm scared of getting leukemia, permanent hair loss, and permanent neuropathy from the chemo.

I'm scared that cancer is lurking in the other breast and just can't be seen on MRI.

I'm so scared I might sign off again for awhile after this. The power of suggestion is pretty strong with me, so when I see people talking about all the terrible things I tend to experience them. Please pray for me.

Here's a "before" picture from my bridal shoot, I just got them back. I wonder how I'll look after?

Oh God please protect me.

image

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  • marylc
    marylc Member Posts: 13
    edited September 2015

    Hi--

    My first day of chemo is tomorrow, too. I did order a wig--here in Massachusetts the cold cap is not offered (you need a special freezer at the hospital and there are NONE in MA)--good luck with the cold cap, I would definitely do it if I could.

    One day at a time--don't look too far ahead. You are a strong young woman and will kick butt. Try to picture the chemo as GOOD--helping you to get healthy and have a long happy life. Good luck!

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2015

    tshire,

    (((Big, gentle hugs))) to you. We know it's a scary time, but you've got the most amazing group of supporters RIGHT HERE. You're not alone in your fears; they are all very normal and understandable. As marylc said, one day at a time will get you a long way. Just take a breath and put one foot in front of the other.

    We wish you BOTH good luck tomorrow and we just know you'll both do great! Please keep us posted on how things go, and continue to post on the Starting Chemo in September 2015 and the NEW Starting Chemo in October 2015 threads to connect with others sharing your journey.

    --The Mods

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  • Tomboy
    Tomboy Member Posts: 3,945
    edited September 2015

    T, it's alright to be scared. All you have to do is show up. Thats so cool that you are doing cold capping, I think keeping your hair is awesome psychologically. You will be having people helping you with that? That will help you through, just having to keep busy! I found bco several years ago by typing "I am terrified of chemo!", the night before I was supposed to do my first one. And here I am still! I was the biggest scaredy-kat of them all! It's kind of interesting, the first time anyway, watch out for boredom half way through! You can do this. and TC is strong, to stop cancer!

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  • MsPharoah
    MsPharoah Member Posts: 1,034
    edited September 2015

    Hugs, tshire........thought I would help as much as I can......

    Here's a list of things I am scared of:

    I'm scared I waited too long to start chemo in favor of going to Alaska on a long-planned cruise last week (but it was amazing).

    You made the right decision to go an that amazing cruise. Don't look back....look forward!!

    I'm scared I'm not doing the right chemo in not doing AC+T- 2/3 MOs told me to do TC, 1 said AC+T.

    You received several opinions from qualified docs and the decision is made. You are doing the right thing...listening to your doctors!

    I'm scared of all the horrible side effects everyone on this board talks about.

    Don't expect to have horrible side effects. Most people have hair loss, nausea, diarrhea or constipation, flu like body aches, a rash or two, fatigue, and all but the hair loss can be prevented or controlled. Expect your doctor to help mitigate them should they occur.

    I'm scared I'll get an infection.

    If you are assuming that your white blood cell count will be so low, you won't be able to fight off an infection, your doctor will be monitoring that.

    I'm scared I will need blood transfusions.

    Needing a blood transfusion would be a serious thing and not very likely.

    I'm scared the cold capping won't work.

    Sorry, I don't know about cold capping. But if it doesn't work, you will still be OK and you will still be beautiful. Killing cancer is your top priority. I did not cold cap...wore a wig and looked fabulous!!

    I'm scared of getting frostbite from the cold capping.

    See above

    I'm scared that I'll be in too much pain from the cold capping and will quit and regret it.

    See above

    I'm scared that I'll be left with only gross thin hair if any at all, and that my hair will still be gross and thin for my wedding in March.

    See above

    I'm scared I won't be able to work. I can't really work from home with my job.

    I worked through 6 cycles of chemo. It wasn't easy, but I did it and you will be thankful for working. It actually helped me through treatment. I had some bad days when I felt like I had the flu and you may need to call off work on those days, but you will be surprised by how good you will feel between cycles.

    I'm scared the chemo won't work and the cancer will come back.

    Your cancer could come back, sure. But there are a lot of horrible things that could happen and won't happen. Take peace that you are doing all you can to prevent that from happening. Worrying any more about it, won't prevent that.

    I'm scared that if we end up having a child it will cause the cancer to come back.

    I feel terrible that you have this fear.

    I'm scared I don't actually need the chemo at all and all I'm doing is wasting my time and damaging my young "healthy" body.

    Nope.....you are killing cancer!

    I'm scared because I heard that chemo ages your body 10 years.

    Well, I think it ages your body 10 years if you have it when you are 60..LOL...I blame everything on chemo and I know that I am really just getting old.

    I'm scared of getting leukemia, permanent hair loss, and permanent neuropathy from the chemo.

    Yep, those are possibilities but not likely.

    I'm scared that cancer is lurking in the other breast and just can't be seen on MRI.

    Yes, could be. I had a lumpectomy and sometimes I wonder if I should have had a mastectomy....but I know I made the right decision. My healthy breast could have cancer in it, but the imaging says no and I made the decision to keep it. Whatever decisions you make....they are the right decision. Don't question your judgments.

    I'm so scared I might sign off again for awhile after this. The power of suggestion is pretty strong with me, so when I see people talking about all the terrible things I tend to experience them. Please pray for me.

    I pray for all of us every night. Tonight, I will say a special prayer for you. A prayer for health, sure...but mostly for peace of mind.

    Here's a "before" picture from my bridal shoot, I just got them back. I wonder how I'll look after?

    You are beautiful and you will always be beautiful.

    Oh God please protect me.

    He will.

    Msp

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  • Leighrh
    Leighrh Member Posts: 317
    edited September 2015

    I had ALL of those fears before I started! I am DONE! Finished almost 4 weeks ago.......

    First..... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! It's chemo, its bad, but it is not as bad as you imagine it to be! Chances are you will do great with no problems other than some of the pesky side effects! I had the "bad" stuff... AC and T... I never once got sick other than the lovely side effects... I was nauseous but not so much that I couldn't function, I never threw up or got close to it. I worked everyday except infusion day and the day after on AC and I only took a half day on Taxol days! I went to every baseball game my boys played over the entire summer! It didn't feel like it at the time but as I look back on it I had more good days than bad! It sucks, but it is not the end of the world, it is very "doable" Even though I hated when people told me that!!! Jumping off a bridge is "doable" that doesn't mean I wanna do it!! LOL!!

    I didn't do cold caps so I cannot offer any advice on that but I am sure you will do fine! I know a lot of people have great success with them!

    I know it's sometimes hard to read on here but it's very helpful and there are LOTS of stories of people who breezed through chemo with little to no problems.... search for and read those threads!! :)

    Prayers for you!

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited September 2015

    Hi Tshire:

    🍀

    BarredOwl

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  • readytorock
    readytorock Member Posts: 199
    edited September 2015

    Best of luck to you. Shhhh - I don't tell many people this - but chemo wasn't nearly as bad as they make it out to be!!! You'll do fine and you will feel proud of yourself when it is all over with!

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  • Wildflower2015
    Wildflower2015 Member Posts: 279
    edited September 2015

    Hi Tshire,

    Just hang around the current monthly chemo thread and the cold capping thread and you'll get lots of support and advice from the ladies in both :-)

    I am 6 weeks PFC and had the exact same chemo regime as you (TC x 4) and I also cold capped. I was very afraid before the first treatment, but I had no major problems with side effects during chemo. The main things I dealt with were some temporary taste bud changes, some chemo brain fog (forgetfulness, mostly), and more noticeable fatigue after #3. And although it felt like forever, those four treatments really did go by quickly.

    And you may feel better about your choice of chemo drugs to hear that the prevalent opinion seems to be that folks on the TC regimen tend to have better results cold capping than the ones on AC + T.

    I kept my hair through cold capping. One side benefit of capping was it kept me too busy to fixate very much on the chemo, both during the treatments and after. Yes, it thinned, but I kept enough hair to make it worth the effort, and I haven't thinned to the point where I have bald spots or need a wig...what is driving me nuts now is my dark blonde roots. The hair that stayed on my head kept growing during chemo, probably about 2 inches or so. The dark roots make it look thinner, I want highlighting, and can't do it for at least a couple more months. arrgh.

    Good luck! This part will be in your rear view mirror before you know it :-)

    Beautiful wedding photo!

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  • tshire
    tshire Member Posts: 239
    edited September 2015

    Thank you ladies. All of this helped.

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  • Englishmummy
    Englishmummy Member Posts: 337
    edited September 2015


    Tiffany,

    Thinking of you. You can do this, you really can... as hard as it is, you ARE stronger.

    Hugs a plenty.

    L x

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  • Jackalyn3
    Jackalyn3 Member Posts: 15
    edited September 2015

    tshire,

    I have had those same thoughts rushing through my head. Im sure you will do great.

    I will be praying for you as well as everyone else tomorrow.

    Hang in there!

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  • Mamiya
    Mamiya Member Posts: 432
    edited September 2015

    Hi Tshire, just wanted to weigh in with: YOU CAN DO THIS. Most of your fears have been touched upon by others but one that I wanted to talk about is the fear of needing a blood transfusion. I was about half way through Carbo/Taxol and my numbers went pretty low. I had two delays (where I had to skip treatment because of low numbers) and I ended up getting blood about 10 days ago. It was GREAT. Sounds weird I know, but wow, I needed it and it helped and it was not a huge deal at all. My hemoglobin level was about 8, and my neutrophils were in the 600's, which is pretty low, and I felt pretty crappy. I went in, got a unit of blood in the exact same place I get my regular treatments in the exact same way and it was not a big thing. The next day I felt soooooo much better, and the following Monday my numbers were almost like a normal person again. So, should you, at some point in your treatment, need blood - do not be afraid. Blood is very safe these days. Not completely free of risk, but nothing is. I say have no fear.

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  • MEG2
    MEG2 Member Posts: 114
    edited September 2015

    tshire, I had the same chemo regimen you are going to have. My last treatment was almost 2 years ago (October 22), I am here to tell you that I made it way more scary and complicated in my mind. The real thing wasn't easy but it can be done and there are a few things you can do to help it go more smoothly; I always brought a friend, we usually talked about very un-cancer related things: family, friends, old times, good times, future plans, etc...there were always a lot of laughs. I brought snacks, you'll be there awhile. I brought healthy foods; granola, fruit, veggies and enough for everyone who was joining me. I felt better filling my body with good things while the chemo was working its way through my system. I approached every treatment in a positive light, I was happy to be there, this chemo was saving my life. We chatted with the nurses about their families, we joked with other patients, we felt calm and strong. At one treatment about half way through my regimen I was feeling over-whelmed with medical bills and insurance forms; I brought them to my chemo and my best friend and my niece spent the time organizing and matching bills to benefit forms and by the end of chemo there was no longer any reason for me to stress over that! Bring games or other distractions; a kindle or a book and a blanket. Bring your A game, you are a warrior but just don't know it yet!

    I have hair down to my shoulders now, you will too. I am finished with my reconstruction and joke with my friends that they should be jealous of my perky new boobs, you will too. I have a great life with many new things to look forward too, you will too. One day at a time sweet girl and you will get through.

    Keep us posted on your success!

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  • littleblueflowers
    littleblueflowers Member Posts: 2,000
    edited September 2015

    Hey T- thanks for sharing your fears with us. Everything you feel is completely understandable, BUT-you will be fine. I worked thru ACT and it was hard, but doable if you have a desk job. I also worked out almost every day, except for 4 days after each infusion. You are so much healthier now that your tumor is gone, just think how much healthier you will be after chemo! Seriously. I am 2 months out. I have short hair, didn't cold cap. Chemo won't ruin you. 3 weeks after my last one I ran 14 miles. You will have a beautiful wedding and be so proud you got thru this! I'm praying for you!

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited September 2015

    Tshire, I am praying for you. Try and concentrate on the chemo killing cancer cells.

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  • ShetlandPony
    ShetlandPony Member Posts: 4,924
    edited September 2015

    Tiffany, for me one of the hardest things about cancer is that there are things unknown and things out of our control. You have worked very hard to make your decisions, and maybe now is a good time to let it go and trust your doctors. They have weighed the risks and benefits, and they and your nurses will help you prevent or manage side effects. Don't expect the worst. You can do this and you are surrounded by people who love and care about you.

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  • TerrifiedDaughter
    TerrifiedDaughter Member Posts: 30
    edited September 2015

    All of your fears are normal! From what I have read :)

    I can't believe what all of you are going through! I am on here in support of my mother, currently I am writing in her cancer book. :) She hasn't even begun chemo but I am writing down all the things that I can. Knowledge is key right?!

    And I know that every doctor out there is in the best interest of their patient. All of you women are strong and I hope for the best when it comes to all of your diagnosis!! My mother is stage III triple negative so we have a task at hand as well!

    God bless!

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  • tshire
    tshire Member Posts: 239
    edited October 2015

    Thanks ladies. The chemo today went fine except they couldn't get blood from my port which took a long time to solve with anticlot drugs. But on the last try they got blood and I got my infusions. I was there from 9am to 4 pm!! The worst part of the whole thing was the cold caps but if they work it will be worth it. No allergic reactions to the Taxotere, which I forgot to list as a fear. Feeling absolutely fine tonight but I guess we'll see tomorrow!

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  • littleblueflowers
    littleblueflowers Member Posts: 2,000
    edited October 2015

    Yay Tiffany! One down! See, you will be fine.

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  • Jackbirdie
    Jackbirdie Member Posts: 4,693
    edited October 2015

    Tiffany- Brava for making it through day 1 with such bravery and grace. We are all pulling for you!


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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited October 2015

    Tshire, are you ok?

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  • ksusan
    ksusan Member Posts: 4,505
    edited October 2015

    Congratulations on knocking the first one down!

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  • Cinque
    Cinque Member Posts: 240
    edited October 2015

    Hello girls

    You have your first one down.  So you have probably figured the first is the worse.  I had my second yesterday.  You have every right to be scared, we are dealing with scary stuff. Now help yourselves get through treatment.

    Water is your best friend have a water bottle with you at all times.

    Take all your meds and call your nurse doctor with any side effects you have to see if it can be managed with some other meds.

    Keep your mouth clean.  Brush with a soft brush and mild toothpaste I use Bioten.  Everytime you eat rinse your mouth with a glass of warm water and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

    Eat even if you dont feel like it small amount if you must.  Try and make your food count..healthy fruit, nuts, eggs, lean meat, fish, lentils, beans. Your body will thank you.

    Go for a walk try and fit in some form of exercise..some days you wont be able to don't beat yourself up those days rest.

    After shower apply hypoallergenic moisturizer all over pay attention to your nails rub in some cuticle oil.

    My hair fell out last week, not the highlight of any womens life, but I got it shaved off and had a great wig ready to go.

    When Im scared I take myself to a happy place for me the streets of Rome where I was earlier this year before my life changed.

    This treatment is a crappy stage in life, but it will pass and give us a great chance to continue living a full and happy life.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Maria

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  • Kimm992
    Kimm992 Member Posts: 135
    edited November 2015

    I had my first chemo 4 days ago and it was much less scary than I expected.

    Just popped in to see how you are doing!!

    Xo

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  • tshire
    tshire Member Posts: 239
    edited November 2015

    Hi everyone. Thanks to everyone who responded. I am actually a little embarrassed about freaking out now. I'm having my third infusion on Friday and I'm really doing great. My doctor said I'm doing "as well as could be hoped for." In addition... I still have a full head of hair, thanks to cold caps! This picture was taken this morning.

    image

    I really only have about 3 days after each treatment of feeling not so great- 1 day of flu-like symptoms and nausea. But even then I only throw up about once each cycle. I'd compare it to a hangover, haha. So far my bloodwork has been good enough that I have not needed the Neulasta shot. I take 2-3 days off work and exercise each cycle, then I'm back to normal. The only lingering side effects I've had is maybe a touch of fatigue, like I stayed up a little too late. A little diarrhea for about a week. Dry mouth. But nothing terrible, again. I've had no neuropathy thanks to icing my hands and feet during Taxotere. The one side effect of chemo I'm liking is no more shaving!! My eyebrows and lashes are thinning but it's not noticeable yet.

    While this website can be helpful it can also be very scary sometimes because you see all the things that COULD happen. I was pleasantly surprised when none of the terrible things happened to me. I'm feeling well and I have lots of hope for a healthy future and a beautiful wedding.

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  • 123JustMe
    123JustMe Member Posts: 385
    edited June 2016

    Tshire, thanks for posting the positive!

    Happy

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  • Kimm992
    Kimm992 Member Posts: 135
    edited November 2015

    This is great news! I am 6 days out from my first infusion and am struggling.

    I've got a horrible itchy feeling in my throat that makes it impossible to sleep. Everything I eat gives me diarrhea.

    Hoping to start feeling better the next few days

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  • Petula
    Petula Member Posts: 33
    edited November 2015

    Hello Kimm - you are not alone. I am 8 days out and still feel awful. I starting taking Pepto Bismol for the diarrhea and that has helped, but I feel sick all the time, very achey, food tastes weird, just feel like I have a stomach bug and the flu at the same time. I didn't think it would be this bad and keep hoping it gets better. My next Chemo is Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. Ugh!

    Hang in there, everyone tells me I can do this and I'm going to say the same to you. Speaking with others who have exp'd the same really does help.

    All the best,

    Petula


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  • tshire
    tshire Member Posts: 239
    edited December 2015

    finished chemo today with almost all of my hair!

    image

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited December 2015

    Congratulations! Happy about your lovely hair!

    BarredOwl

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