OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

>> > OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
>> >
>> > (1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully
>> > in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
>> > --Author Unknown
>> >
>> > (2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
>> > headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
>> > "Keep away from children."
>> > --Author Unknown
>> >
>> > (3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
>> > group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
>> > --Drew Carey
>> >
>> > (4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
>> > desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
>> > it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
>> > --Jeff Foxworthy
>> >
>> > (5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
>> > an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
>> > even considering if there is a man on base."
>> > --Dave Barry
>> >
>> > (6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
>> > treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
>> > they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance > pay,
>> > the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
>> > --Bob Ettinger
>> >
>> > (7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
>> > the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
>> > to teach you how to swim.'"
>> > --Paula Poundstone
>> >
>> > (8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
>> > verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that > study:
>> > "Duh."
>> > --Conan O'Brien
>> >
>> > (9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
>> > through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating > a
>> > slow learner."
>> > --Lynda Montgomery
>> >
>> > (10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
>> > York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
>> > isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
>> > --Richard Jeni
>> >
>> > (11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
>> > impersonators would be dead."
>> > --Johnny Carson
>> >
>> > (12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>> > --Paul Rodriguez
>> >
>> > (13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
>> > sixty and that's the law."
>> > --Jerry Seinfeld
>> >
>> > (14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
>> > fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
>> > tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
>> > slower?"
>> > --Warren Hutcherson
>> >
>> > (15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
>> > same."
>> > --Oscar Wilde
>> >
>> > (16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
>> > Congress... But I repeat myself."
>> > --Mark Twain
>> >
>> >
>> > (17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
>> > least they can find Afghanistan."
>> > --A. Whitney Brown
>> >
>> > (18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
>> > you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought > of
>> > that!'"
>> > --Dave Barry
>> >
>> > (19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
>> > was taken.
>> > --Unknown, presumed deceased