When Loved Ones Get MEAN

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AmyA
AmyA Member Posts: 70
edited January 2016 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi there. I was wondering if I'm alone in this as it feels that way sometimes.

My mom is bad at the warm fuzzies - always has been. But at times that she gets stressed and scared, say when I'm about to have a surgery, she says the meanest, most hurtful shit. To the extent of, "you're a giant disappointment," or, "when you're healthy, you're not welcome in my home anymore." Literally an hour later, she can be like, "hi. Pass the peas," like nothing happened.

Yes, I get that it's fear on her part. Yes, I get that she's possibly bi-polar as she's been like this all our lives. But... It still sucks!

Anyone else have loved ones who were mean or not themselves during your journey?

Thanks for letting me share.

-Amy

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  • geewhiz
    geewhiz Member Posts: 1,439
    edited October 2015

    My sister went cuckoo on me. We had always been close being only 16 months apart in age. She lived about 10 hours away, so I didn't get to see her much. But as things progressed with my diagnosis and treatment she got mean. I am not sure if it was related to me, or if she coincidentally could not handle her own life well. She started sending me text messages that said very hurtful things. One went so far as to say I used my cancer to control her. LOL, yeah...that's why I went through all of this.

    I think something as serious as a diagnosis can sometimes toss people who are already leaning precariously, right on over that crazy cliff.

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  • AmyA
    AmyA Member Posts: 70
    edited October 2015

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, you've got to love those moments when it's all about them. Your cancer is all about them, etc.

    Oh well, I'd just like to say Big Hugs to you. Big Hugs to us and everyone else with cuckoo relatives.

    : )

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  • ChicagoReader
    ChicagoReader Member Posts: 110
    edited October 2015

    Amy and GW, I'm sorry to hear about how your family members hurt you. I know it's not the same as a sister or mother, but a good friend turned mean on me and it really took me by surprise. I'm not sure what happened, but I think that she felt guilty about not being supportive, so she lashed out at me. It still hurts, no matter what the reason. Big hugs back to you!


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  • AmyA
    AmyA Member Posts: 70
    edited October 2015

    I purposely wrote loved ones as opposed to family as I just mean people who you want / who should want to be in your corner. Hurt is still hurt.

    Hugs.

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  • ChicagoReader
    ChicagoReader Member Posts: 110
    edited October 2015

    Thanks, Amy.

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  • Hattie
    Hattie Member Posts: 414
    edited October 2015

    let them go, let them go, let them go. they do as well as they can, which sadly, is not much. you all are better. find support elsewhere, here or with others. so sorry, find other people who can support you. take care,

    hattie

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  • KbellaK
    KbellaK Member Posts: 15
    edited October 2015

    Wow, I never even thought to ask if anyone else had this problem! I have 3 older brothers and the oldest one, we'll call him Joe, was just awful to me right from the get-go. When he called me after he found out about my diagnosis, the first words out of his mouth were, "Well, do you think maybe NOW is a good time to start exercising and eating healthy?" He sees me maybe 4 times a year, has no idea what my day-to-day life is like and makes lots of assumptions about me.

    At first I just let it slide but then he just kept saying really awful things and when I finally called him on it he said, "You're just upset because I deviated from the outpouring of sympathy you seem to feel you're entitled to." Ugh. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. I skipped his wedding in July...And my mom has called me about 5 time since my diagnosis a year ago.

    Hugs all around!


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  • breathe
    breathe Member Posts: 17
    edited October 2015

    Thank you! This is just what I came here to read. My sister is trying to take me for a ride to crazy town and saying mean things. I have many of the same thoughts on why as above but feel better knowing it is a fairly common reaction and not my fault. The holidays will be interesting this year!! Love and strength to you all!

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  • Lemint
    Lemint Member Posts: 162
    edited November 2015

    I'm sad because my 20 something year old son has depression issues. He doesn't know how to cope for himself let alone me. He can be down right mean to me. I worry about him more than myself. I just feel like giving up.

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  • marijen
    marijen Member Posts: 3,731
    edited November 2015

    Making a leap from teenager to young man is a tough one. I found it best to not add to the drama and they've turned out fine.

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  • Lemint
    Lemint Member Posts: 162
    edited November 2015

    He's well past a teenager. I've walked on egg shells for 2 years with him. I try real hard. I also have 2 older sons that are independent, loving and supportive. I put up with all this because I know he has issues but it's not easy.

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  • Smurfette26
    Smurfette26 Member Posts: 730
    edited November 2015

    Was just talking to hubby about this earlier. At times like this we find out who the "real" people are in our worlds.

    On one hand I have been overwhelmed by generosity of spirit, kindness and compassion from some special people in my life.

    On the other I have been disappointed by some since my diagnosis. Maybe it's just that they don't know how to talk about it, deal with it. But it's not about them and I know my priorities and focus will change forever more.

    Hugs all.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited November 2015

    My relative, my mom's sister, is very religious and I have always felt loved until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was really upset I waited 1 year to tell her. She live s on the other side of the country and I wanted to wait until I felt somewhat used to things and feel like I was ok. She totally ignores me no cards no calls anymore.

    Everytime I see her constant prayers for people it makes me sick what a hypocrite. It feels good to type out my feelings. My mother is disgusted as well.

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  • jcfree
    jcfree Member Posts: 105
    edited November 2015

    Reading these posts of how insensitive loved ones can be is heartbreaking. My MIL who passed away last month could not handle my BC diagnosis. I was her primary caretaker on a daily basis, once I started chemo my husband had to take over as I could not take care of her during that time. I did go to her home once a week during chemo, even when I could barely get around after my chemo treatment, to do her pills for the week and do her blood test. She would say things like, "When are you going to be done? Being Stage IV I will always be in treatment, she was mad because I was not there every day like I had been. She got mean and said negative things to me like, "They are just using you as a guinea pig. or I don't think they know what they are doing." It was hard to listen to her negativity. Then my Dad who is 83 yr. old has never asked me how I am or said anything at all about my BC since I told him last December about it. I drive him to his doctor apts. to the VA hospital which is a 45 minute drive one way. He is sharp mentally, no memory issues. I think you have to distance yourself as much as possible from toxic people. Their negativity is not good to be around when you are in the fight of your life. Even though you know they are the one with issues it still hurts and is not good for your own psyche to be around them.

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  • robertstuc
    robertstuc Member Posts: 1
    edited December 2015

    I was engaged with my husband to be when I found out that I had breast cancer. He did not want to know anything about the cancer and did not want to discuss it with me at all. He said we should go our separate ways and asked me to move out. So I moved all my stuff to storage before surgery and am having a hard time dealing with everything and very overwhelmed with the long process. Surgery is now over and the most important thing is my health but it still hurts and I am having a difficult time with the whole thing. Hard to believe that someone that you thought you loved and would spend the rest of your life with is now not going to be there for you and what a fool that I was for so many years. Its a hard realization and a struggle to get over and deal with every day and with the process and the treatment plan that I have to go thru to be healthy. The weight and the mental thoughts are always there and hard to manage at times. I know that I have to get past the toxic and selfishness of his issues. Its just so hard to deal with.

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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited December 2015

    Robertstuc - Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It's crippling when you find out your partner isn't the person you thought they were. There's plenty of people on here to talk to and offer support (even if we can't physically be there for you). All the very best for recovering after your surgery x


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  • NJ-Jen
    NJ-Jen Member Posts: 64
    edited December 2015

    I feel for you Robertstuc... I had a chronic illness before this and my husband was barely hanging I with this but has flat out told me he does not want to be my caregiver anymore, so I am thinking I will have to move on after surgery depending on news. I am already disabled, and a lot of my friends lost husbands to their illness too. I hope you can build a friend network and get better

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  • gardengypsy
    gardengypsy Member Posts: 769
    edited January 2016

    AmyA

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom's childish reaction. I have had a similar experience with my daughter, and I ended up having to speak to a psychologist about it.

    When my daughter, age 28, heard my diagnosis she literally said, "Fu*k you. Stop being such a martyr... You caused your own cancer."

    WOW.

    My psychologist-friend explained how wounded people react like children. And yes, perhaps my daughter has bipolar like your mother.

    No matter what their illness, it is not ok to speak to anyone who has cancer like this. Set your boundaries. If necessary, keep your mother at a distance. I think some people simply get jealous when others get sympathy, attention or extra love.

    Your healing is most important and noone, even blood relatives, should be allowed anywhere near you if they trample on your spirit.

    Keep reaching out! Seek counseling - with what we are going through, we could all use an extra ear.

    Hugs,

    gardengypsy





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  • gardengypsy
    gardengypsy Member Posts: 769
    edited January 2016

    Robertstuc~

    I feel deep heartache for you. So many people have said that going through this with someone you love strengthens your relationship and teaches deep empathy and compassion.

    Your dude is the big loser here. He doesn't get the amazing opportunity to care for someone and be their cheerleader. It's a place where a man can be proud of who he is.

    You are well rid of this person. He was never EVER Mr. Right. He is a big, fat creep. Even though you are sad right now, believe that you will find happiness with another person some day.

    In the meantime, gather up your courage, get lots of support, and rock this journey as best you can.

    Hugs,

    gardengypsy

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  • gardengypsy
    gardengypsy Member Posts: 769
    edited January 2016

    Lemint~

    Let him take responsibility for himself but remember that he is not yet an adult.

    Give him positive suggestions - such as seeking therapy. Let him know you are there for him. He may be very afraid of losing you , and doesn'tshow it in a kind way.

    ~gardengpsy

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  • Lemint
    Lemint Member Posts: 162
    edited January 2016

    Thanks Gardengpsy. He's been better lately. He is in his early 20's. Hoping some of this is a maturity thing.

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  • AmyA
    AmyA Member Posts: 70
    edited January 2016

    Hi GardenGypsy. Thank you for your thoughts. Sorry about your daughter's reactions.

    I can say that the further I get away from my surgeries - I had 7 in 18 months - the calmer and nicer my mom gets. I just had to be the bigger person and accept that she's scared and that she shows her fear in hurtful, irrational ways. It is getting better.

    Big hugs.

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