Hospital visitor poltics

Marg64 · September 2015

I'm getting a bilateral masectomy in 3 weeks.

I have a bf. I've informed him fairly graphically about what to expect if he sees me when I wake up in ICU.

BF has independently told his parents. I don't get along with them generally but recognize that this is bfs support system.

I would prefer to definitely not have them in ICU when I don't have control of what I'm saying. I want the same for my parents. I'm not enmeshed with my parents like he is however.

What is the gentlest way to handle this?

exbrnxgrl · September 2015

I echo much of what grey said. Patients are not in hospital after a bmx for very long, sometimes only a day or two. I think you can gently, but firmly let everyone minis that you want to use that brief time to recover quietly and will welcome visitors, when you are up to it, at home. Why will you be in the ICU? Unless you have special circumstances, or some terrible complications, you will be on a regular floor. I am not implying that a bmx is not serious surgery, but it's not the same as surgery to a vital organ.

dtad · September 2015

Are you having DIEP reconstruction? That would be the only possible reason you would be in the ICU. I had BMX with direct to implant reconstruction and I was in the hospital 2 nights and they tried to get me to go home the next day but I wasn't ready! Eight hours of surgery and they wanted me to go home in 24 hours? I personally think that's way too soon but I was very happy to go home when I did. I think you will find that most women on this forum stay 2 days. I hope there is not another reason why you would have to be in ICU. Best of luck to you

Skittlegirl · September 2015

You can also say that since it's during cold and flu season, you would like to limit visitors to avoid catching an illness that impedes your recovery.

Marg64 · September 2015

Skittlegirl's excuse is really good and I'll try that.Thing is BF will know it is bs. I want my fam and friends to stop by in the hospital and at home so I'm not bored.

Thing is, his mom is only going to do things to satisfy her need to feel needed by her kid. Even her bringing over a Hamburger Helper casserole would trigger the obligation to kiss butt extensively. She and I were barely on speaking terms before this and I don't need the stress of her coming around at all during convelescence or arguing about it frankly.

ps yep diep

DivineMrsM · September 2015

Marg, I've not had this surgery, but it is a very stressful thing to go thru, certainly. You're better off asking the bf for a heart to heart talk, and then, after explaining how much he means to you and how much you love him and are grateful for his support, tell him that you think visits in the hospital from his parents might be too stressful for you on top of dealing with this major surgery. Say that you'd prefer to be feeling better and looking better, able to shower and have clean hair, before they visit, preferably at home. That's how I'd feel. And the parents can be a support without having to accompany bf to the hospital.

WinningSoFar · September 2015

It's interesting that you the patient have to grapple for a story to keep your bf's parents away until you look your best and can properly entertain them.

When I was in the hospital one of the many times in 2012, my friend visited me (which was fine, even though I had no energy to welcome her) and she brought HER friend. I just plainly told my friend, as best I could, that I couldn't handle talking, sitting up, perking up or even looking mildly glad to see her. It still makes me kind of mad, but I have to remind myself that she did this from the best of motives.

Marg64 · October 2015

I was telling bf to sort laundry minimally and run full loads instead of running a load on three things of exact color like mommy would say. He usually stays here and my utility bills have doubled as it is. His response was that he would go to Mommys then. I said that for the next two weeks I would be needing him

She calls him daily. He is always going there to do stuff. He remembers to take her garbage out but forgot to take mine. This woman is barely 70. She is not a widow. She has another son to call on nearby. She doesn't have the problems I've got and basically expects someone to personally be there coddling her including moving in when she is a widow for the 25 years she realistically could live. she lives almost across the street and my parents are coming down to help from two counties away. . My parents are. In their 80s. If bf does not clean up I hire someone. . If he goes over there for mommys hypochondriac call and I up shitting myself or pulling out my drains, he is all yours, mommy

terrij152 · October 2015

Marg64,

If you are put in ICU after surgery, visitation can be limited to immediate family by the nursing staff. I don't think you'll be in ICU, unless you have some underlying medical issues. I had a 10 hour procedure with my bmx with lat flaps, had an elevated heart rate in the recovery room (130 heart rate) and I wasn't in ICU, only on telemetry.

My best suggestion is that you be honest to a point and tell your bf that you'd prefer to limit the amount of visitors while you're in the hospital, especially since your parents won't be there either. It is a tough recovery and you need to rest after the surgery. There will be plenty of time for visits after you get home.

Best of luck to you!!

Marg64 · October 2015

My friends can come anytime. Corworkers. My family can. My bf can (of course), and so can his brother and his wife. His dad. These people do not stress me out.

His mom, on the other hand, stresses me out entirely.My bf told her about some of my earlier concerns. She took it upon herself to tell a friend I don't know all bout it and then spam my mail saying to go to a second surgeon and don't forget my medical records and say this and do this. I told her that I recognized she was trying to help, and how she could do that was minimize chores and obligations on her kid (my 50 yo bf). She sent me a passive-aggressive opus promising not to interfere and not to do (repeated my lines verbatim). She probably bawled when she got my request. She bawls all the time when things don't go her way, which causes drama, and then she gets her way. BF won't accept that I don't want to visit and says she has to. So it'll just have to be indefinitely delayed through passive-aggressive omission and avoidance.

Marg64 · November 2015

I'm in my hospital bed after bmx and diep.

My bf mom weeks before this took it upon herself to ask her friends for a better plastic surgeon. I ssked her not to do it and minimize obligations and distractions.

She responded by having a birthday mandatory party the first night I got dinner in the hosp icu. Bf to his noncredit went.

My bf ordered me To let her visit. I opted for yesterday but she then canceled saying she had flu-like syntoms.

My ps told me to say today surgeons didn't want me exposed just to be safe.-

She got huffy since she only had "sniffles" and now wants to cook food "if I allow her to help."

How can I get her to leave me and my primary caregiver (bf) alone...

Smurfette26 · November 2015

Oh dear Marg64. You do not need this added stress at this already difficult time.

It will hamper your recovery both short and long term.

The less stress the better. Hugs to you. Donna.

Marg64 · November 2015

you'd think, right??

Gees im irritated

DivineMrsM · November 2015

Is this what you want to deal with if you should marry your bf? The woman is extremely overbearing and I don't care how much you love the bf. If he's not in your corner and taking his mummy's side on issues, those are huge red flags that you should assess the relationship to see if you want a future with this man and his family. If you do, you must assert yourself now at every turn and insist the bf stand by you.

Here's what happens. The bf actually enjoys two women who are clammoring for his attention. It feeds his ego. It makes him the center of attention. Yep, I dealt with that before I knew better and also had an ex wife to deal with, too. I stopped feeding into his ego and put my foot down. If I wasn't the number one woman in his life, I didn't want to stick around to be 2 or 3. Married now 25+ years.

dtad · November 2015

Completely agree with The Divine Mrs. very well said

Marg64 · November 2015

I told my bf that I needed to be no

Marg64 · November 2015

I told him. We just won't speak of her anymor

owlwatcher · November 2015

hey Divine is right if you continue with bf momma is part of the package.Usually in preadmission you can say no visitors I did.

solfeo · November 2015

Oh man, not sure how I stumbled onto this thread, but sounds so much like my mother-in-law. So manipulative in a passive aggressive way that apparently only I could see. We have been married for 18 years and after putting up with it for too many of those years I did finally have to lay down the law, as TheDivineMrsM suggests. Didn't stop her from trying to exert her place as Numero Uno for the next decade and a half, though. There was nothing she wouldn't do to win the title either, including passing away during my recovery from BMX! The only way she could one-up me I guess LOL! Yes, I realize how that sounds, but if you only knew my MIL. When I told my good friend about the death, even she said to me, "In some odd way, even though you know better, doesn't it feel deliberate?" Yes, it did. In some odd way. She was some odd woman.

Marg64 · December 2015

I didn't respond to her comment of cooking food "if I allowed her to help."

She decided to cook just enough food for her kid, send it over, and tell her family she was cooking. She apparently omitted the "for one" part.

LOL...sheesh

Hospital visitor poltics

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