How do you tell friends and family

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rockwallgirl
rockwallgirl Member Posts: 2
edited October 2015 in Surgery - Before, During, and After

I have an appt tomorrow with the surgeon to schedule a lumpectomy due to invasive ductal carcinoma. I should also find out what stage it is at. I am an extremely private person and prefer to be there for people than need them to be there for me. I have never had surgery other than a tonsilectomy when I was 17. I am a health nut and marathon runner, and have not been sick since..... I can't remember when. I am curious how to tell friends and loved ones and co workers about this. I do not want pity or worry or have people cry. How do you let them know you need their strength and not their pity. I would rather keep it all to myself, my husband and my boss until I am better, but I know that is not possible. Can anyone offer advice? Thank you so much.

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  • JerseyRenee01
    JerseyRenee01 Member Posts: 221
    edited October 2015

    rockwallgirl


    Hi! First, I am sorry for your diagnosis. I just got diagnosed last week & at first I was going to keep to myself as I am that type of person. I hear you on the pity as that is how I am as well but try not to look at it as "pity". We cannot control that we got struck by the "C" word. I can tell you that all my friends have been awesome! That night I got diagnosed 2 of my friends came over. We hugged & cried. My friends have said "WE" will fight this! I really needed it! I havent been myself at all since this all started Oct 12 with my 1st mammo. Then coming on here has tremendouslyhelped! We are all here for the same reason. Take the love & support. I certainly am not announcing it on my FB page but to my close family & friends. Strength is what we all need!

    I also do not know what my treatment choice is either. If i go bilateral masectomy than I will need help!

    {{hugs}}

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  • Brutersmom
    Brutersmom Member Posts: 563
    edited October 2015

    It is an individual decision. I only told my immediate family, two people at work (the office manager and my office companion) and my pastor until I knew everything. I told several other people prior to starting radiation because I knew I would not be able to do everything that I had been doing. If I had had chemo I would have had to tell more. I have been very selective who I told. I assisted another agent in my office who had recently under gone treatment for cancer and was trying to get back on his feet. I told him Our conversations have been very helpful. I have found most people seem to forget I have not been feeling well. Radiation and surgery do that to you. I just didn't feel like I needed the drama so I have been selective. I think it is a personal choice.

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  • fizzdon52
    fizzdon52 Member Posts: 568
    edited October 2015

    I think after the shock of diagnoses you kind of evolve. I didn't want anyone to know at first, I don't know why and then after I had been through treatment I wanted everyone to know haha! Weird. I also figure now that if I can share my experience it might help others. I wasn't diagnosed until 18 months after I knew I had something going on and no-one would believe me. So I figure if I can tell people about it, it might help someone else.

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  • rainnyc
    rainnyc Member Posts: 1,289
    edited October 2015

    I think the thing you learn quickly is that you don't have to tell everyone all at once. I told immediate family and a few close friends, as well as a few people who had to know for various reasons, i.e. to take my kid if there were a medical emergency. The hardest people to tell were those whose lives have been touched by cancer. Some have faded out and others have really stepped up. The needy people in my life have remained that way, i.e. have found a way to turn it into their drama, so there are a few people I've tried to keep at arm's length. But in general I've been pleasantly surprised at how people have reacted.

    It's hard to learn how to take people's offers to help, but it can be done. I am very private as well and hate the idea that I would be the center of attention. I try to control it and when things get out of control to just take it as gracefully as I can. Good luck to you; I hope it all goes well!

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited October 2015

    I am also very private. It is totally up to you whether you tell people and when to tell them. You need to do what is best for you at this time.

    I was diagnosed five years ago and the only people I told were my sister, best friend, hair dressers and people on this site. Some others knew I was sick because I was not at work but did not know more than that. Family who don't live in the same city as me did not know anything about it.

    Sending best wishes for your treatment and recovery. We are here for you any time.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited October 2015

    Hi Rockwall and welcome to Breastcancer.org,

    We're sorry you have to be here, but really glad you found our incredible supportive Community. As you can already see, it's a great source of advice, support, and information.

    In addition to the great help given here already, you may want to check out the main Breastcancer.org site's pages on:

    We hope this helps!

    --The Mods

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited October 2015

    I am sorry you find yourself here with us! Hugs! I think it is a very personal choice. We chose to wait until after I had all the details on my diagnosis to tell everyone, plus it was Christmas time and I just didn't want to ruin the holidays for everyone. I told only my sister and best friend initially and then waited almost a month to tell the rest of my family and friends. Some friends that we did not see often, we did not even tell. I too was very active...a fitness instructor for years and lead a healthy lifestyle. I could not believe this was really happening.

    When I did tell people, I kind of gave them rules. I know it sounds odd, but I didn't want to hear about other people's cancer stories and how they died, blah blah blah! I didn't want to hear "you are so strong"....I was falling apart and it was all I could do to keep it together for my 4 year old son so NO I was NOT strong. I was just getting by. I shared these "rules" with people as I told them in hopes they would respect my wishes so it would be easier for me. Mostly they did. The best part was when I was leaving my mom's house after telling her my dx and my "rules" she said "good bye weakling!" I laughed. It made my day!

    I used cold caps through chemo so I kept my hair so I didn't have to tell everyone I was going through chemo or cancer. I did not work during treatment. I went on disability for several months as my job was too stressful and I knew I could not manage working and treatment. It is very much a personal choice how you go through this. Don't be afraid to ask people to respect your wishes. It's YOUR cancer and YOUR experience. Don't let others put their needs on you. Take this time to be "all about yourself". Hugs! Best wishes :)
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  • Optimist52
    Optimist52 Member Posts: 302
    edited October 2015

    I have told no one this time except my husband, sons, mother, sister and her sons (and asked them all not to tell others). That's it. No friends at all. When I was diagnosed 12 years ago I told all my friends and in laws, although not workmates or acquaintances. Because of the way many of them reacted, and because of the ignorant, naive, insensitive things they said to me it was easy not to tell them this time. One friend who I had known 20 years then either said nothing to me about it at all, or only referred to death and dying. Another friend at the time who was a registered counsellor (!!) gave me a long story about having a skin cancer "scare" which turned out to be benign.

    Other people either took it too lightly or were too morbid. I realise that I am probably highly sensitive to others' comments and other women wouldn't be so affected but I remember some friends' comments and was very hurt at the time. That is why I have been so pleased to find these discussion boards this time and feel a sense of community with others who are going through similar emotions and experiences to me.

    Of course for those going through chemo it's probably harder to keep it quiet. For my part I've missed out on possible support from some people but on balance I prefer it this way.

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  • igay1ord
    igay1ord Member Posts: 193
    edited October 2015

    Hi rockwallgirl! I hate that you're having to go through this, but we're all in this together! It's really up to you on who and how you tell them. I have told my entire family and most of my co-workers in our immediate office. I have actually said to some of the people at work "don't be nice to me"! That's when I tend to get emotional about the situation, if someone shows any concern. You'll be surprised to find out at work who has been affected by cancer. A lot more than you probably know. The hardest part for me was telling my husband and my two boys (one is 32, the other is 25). Telling them just broke my heart. My husband is so far in denial that he won't even talk about it...at all! My sons have been wonderful, but the stress is starting to show on them. They just want Mom to be okay. I will be just fine, but it's going to be a rough year! We ladies here will all come out of this just fine!

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited October 2015

    sweetie my family n friends were very supportive one cousin couldnt handle it was hard for me without her round me at time but forgave her helped me too. You will need that support for u and husband most time hubby. Also needs support to handle it im now a 21yr Survivor(Praise God)) we are All in my prayers daily

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