I can't stand myself

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brandyb719
brandyb719 Member Posts: 13
edited October 2015 in Waiting for Test Results

As the subject implies, I am having quite the time today. I woke up on day two of recovery from a ultrasound guided biopsy and I am still in quite a bit of pain. I am not sure this is normal. My spouse surely doesn't think it's normal and I really just want to break down and cry. I am bruised up pretty good and the surgical strips are still in place. I was on Halcion the day of my biopsy so bits and pieces are coming back to me slowly and I'm just now realizing what a hot mess of an appointment that was for me. I guess I did pretty well. On sampling five I finally said "hey Dr. I'm getting pretty nervous over here". I remember being physically pressed into the mammogram machine by one nurse as the other one went to run and hit the button to take the picture. I was telling them repeatedly "I can't do this". They just responded with "yes you can" as they squished me in.

As I'm sitting here speaking into my iPad, I can feel myself losing it. I have kept her together until now and I can't do it anymore. I am scared to death that I have cancer. That I'm going to follow in my mother's footsteps. I can't do what she did. I can't go through the things she went through.

I'm losing it.......

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  • CherylCC
    CherylCC Member Posts: 73
    edited October 2015

    I cannot possibly know what you are going through, but just wanted to reach out to say I am here listening, I feel for you, and I hope you will take a deep breath and let yourself wait for those results before you really panic. I am sure there are many more experienced ladies here who will comment soon and will better know what to say, but meanwhile, here is a big hug from another scared woman who is still waiting for the biopsy. Sending you good energy and hoping for all the best in your results!

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  • Lena0423
    Lena0423 Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2015

    I went through this on Monday- had a biopsy for a very suspicious mass and it came back benign! I was scared to death considering that mom has stage 4 BC as well. I am 40 and has been doing mammogram since I was 35. It is a very scary experience but hang in there. I have to repeat it in 6 months and already feel anxious.

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited October 2015

    Hi Brandy:

    Waiting for biopsy results is extremely stressful! Words really don't seem adequate to describe it. Don't be impatient with yourself for feeling this way! How you are feeling seems pretty normal to me.

    Cheryl's advice is good, and it is important to keep in mind Lena's experience, that some results will be benign. Great news Lena!

    It sounds like you are in some pain, and your husband agrees that it seems out of the ordinary. Since you have bruising, it could be that. I would suggest that you check your temperature and note it down (normal or otherwise). Then, call the number they gave you on the discharge instructions today, and report your pain, temperature, any other symptoms and the appearance. The nurse can let you know whether it seems okay, whether you need to be seen, or if not, what you can do or take for the pain.

    I had an MRI-guided biopsy and a wire-guided surgical excisional biopsy that were smooth sailing. But I got a "hematoma" from a core-needle biopsy (an internal pool of blood). It was about 2.5 cms, and felt like a hard ball. It was very painful, particularly with movement (like leaning forward to get out of the car). If you gently touch your breast, and there is a hard area that wasn't there before, that might be a possibility, and you should tell the nurse about it. Hematomas are not very common, and typically you just wait for them to go away unless other problems arise.

    I was told to leave the steristrips on until they fall off themselves. It took over a week. Ask the nurse about it when you call.

    Hoping for benign results for you!! Be kind to yourself.

    BarredOwl

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  • ml143333
    ml143333 Member Posts: 658
    edited October 2015

    Brandy - right now is a horrible time, trust me, I know, but you can and will get through to the results.  If your recovery doesn't feel normal, call your doctor.  Other than that, try to do things to keep yourself mentally busy.  When you start thinking bad thoughts, actively switch to thinking of something else. 

    As far as saying you can't do what your mother did.  Well, we all hope that you don't have to face that diagnosis, but if you do, you will get through it.  You will be able to make the informed decisions that need to be made in order to keep you here on this Earth.  You don't think you can now, but if you are faced with the diagnosis of cancer - you will find your way. 

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  • brithael
    brithael Member Posts: 224
    edited October 2015

    Brandy - hang in there - Obviously being in pain keeps this coming back to you, and you might need to call your Dr. about that. I had a biopsy last Friday on my breast and lymph node. Although I'm bruised, I'm certainly not in pain right now, so I'm not having the constant reminder that you are. My mother had breast cancer too, and since my US showed BIRAD-5, my percentages are not good.

    I have taken this time to educate myself on breast cancer since I knew way too little. My way of dealing with it is to "let it go." No amount of worrying will change my results, and will only make me feel worse. I won't find out the results until this Friday. I'm getting a 2nd opinion regardless of the pathology, and that won't be til the 22nd. When I get the final results, I'll make plans then. The Serenity Prayer of having the courage to change the things you can, accept the things you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference helps me a lot.

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  • cuddyclothes
    cuddyclothes Member Posts: 160
    edited October 2015

    Brandy -

    ((hug)) Back in May I had an ultrasound guided biopsy. They kept having to do it over and over because one of the two masses kept slipping out of reach. And I mean PUSHING that ultrasound into my breast! Then the mammogram. Afterwards, my breast was badly bruised. I don't remember if I had pain afterward or not, just what a nightmare the whole process was. And that I couldn't stop crying, because in many years of mammograms (I'm 59 and have been getting mammograms since I was in my 30s) they had never found suspicious masses like these.

    I agree with the others here, check with your doctor about the pain. Don't worry about being an emotional mess. The more I tried to control myself, the worse it got. I can only speak from my own experience. Good luck!!

    In my case it did turn out malignant, and I've needed treatment. But as far as cancer goes, mine's been fairly minor, and the lumpectomy was an easy operation, even with removing the sentinel node. I've had major abdominal surgery. Compared to that, this was a breeze! It's a few months out and my breast looks fine. Still in the waiting-for-treatment phase. Educate yourself as much as possible.


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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2015

    Your post, and I understand your panic completely, begs the question "what is normal when you've been scared out of your mind that you might have a life-threatening disease?" Everything we thought was normal before now flies in the face of abject fear. I never felt the overwhelming paralyzing fear that I felt when I was facing my own possible (and then subsequent) diagnosis. I was a blubbering mess at times. I resorted to Xanax with the blessing of my surgeon-he's a good guy. But if you don't want to use drugs, just know that whatever you are doing right now is okay.

    Don't get hung up on "normal". Do what you have to do to relieve any tension in your body and mind, and if this is curling up in bed paralyzed with fear at times, okay (I've done that). Cry for hours if you need (I did that, too). Get angry and throw pillows at an unadorned wall (I've done that). Pray. Yep. Research on Dr. Google and look for positive info only, or read the inspiring stories here (remember, lots of research out there is years and years old and doesn't include other qualifiers like BMI, smoker/non-smoker, overall health--which I felt I had going in my own case). In short, brandyb, whatever you are doing right now to cope is normal. Hang in here and we'll be here for you no matter what.

    Claire

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  • adot99
    adot99 Member Posts: 14
    edited October 2015

    I'm not sure I have anything useful to say, but wanted to at least chime in with an "I understand and am sending you good thoughts!" My biopsy path came back as "well, maybe this or maybe not and we won't know until after surgery." So, I'm doing the surgery as quickly as I can because the waiting stinks no matter how you look at it. I have been trying to give myself permission to "just be" - whether that is being sad or angry or exhausted or anxious. No judgements, especially self judgements. Easier said than done, but I hope that for you. And, of course, I hope your results are good! Please let us know.

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