Feeling guilty

Hi There - Are you saying you missed 9 radiation days because of your husband's illness? Not sure what you feel you missed. Could you be more precise? If you did miss 9 (or less, because of weekends) days of rads, was that not discussed with the radiation oncologist? If so, do they think your treatment suffered? Secondly, of course you had to be there for your husband. No regrets; you just need to have medical answers about whether your treatment plan was adversely affected, or not. If so, it's done. I suspect it's just fine. As to thinking you "just" had DCIS, not so. We all get our breast cancers at the level we get them at. I was happily surprised, with just low-grade DCIS and a tiny, non-aggressive microinvasion, how the women I was in rads with (we would meet each day as our appointment times were near together), women with the chemo no hair and the other, more aggressive cancers, brought me into the fold just the same. Cancer is cancer; luckily for us we have probably a good outcome, but no woman ever made me feel my feel my experience were less important than theirs. Yes; we are lucky it was early. No; we are not lucky it happened at all. Anyway, please respond. Would like to know more. Best- P. xx

In a similar vein, about getting the attention you need. I am supposed to schedule my 2-year-out mammo now. Actually, it's a few weeks late because I just don't want to do it. I'm fine, but have experienced the horrible feeling (when I got the routine mammo which originally showed my cancer) of thinking I'm just fine, only to find, with one bad picture, that I'm not. I've read that most recurrences happen not at the, say, one-year-out point but from the 2-10 year-out point, so having my two-year-out mammo is scaring the hell out of me. I would like some empathy around this feeling, but everyone I know just thinks it was gotten, it's gone, what's the big deal, why do I turn into a little puddle of mud when screening draws near? The rest of the time, I basically forget about it. So. I know I need to schedule the mammo (ladies; give me a push!) but I resent that mammos only show 40% of cancers, and ultrasound shows a further 40% (of a different type) which would bring spotting a new one to 80%, but my HMO won't do screening ultrasounds, and I can't afford to get an outside one. I do not feel guilty about wanting understanding that screening scares me, nor do I feel guilty that I would like better screening. I guess I'm saying I'm having a hard time right now, because I have to schedule this mammo. The support we need may be required, at times, forever.

ORknitter, I can understand feeling that way. Your diagnosis might not have been as life threatening as your husband's, but it's still scary and HUGE and life-changing and painful and exhausting! It's a tremendous shock to have a cancer diagnosis, and then you also had to support your husband and deal with the shock of his heart problems. Anyone would be left reeling. Please don't feel guilty for feeling overlooked during that process. The timing stunk. It would have been helpful to have had more support and to not have had to support your husband when you needed it yourself. You still need it! If your husband can't provide it because he is also transitioning into his new normal, maybe there is a friend or professional (or maybe just us!) you can talk with just to work through your feelings. Your feelings are valid, so please don't feel guilty about being honest with yourself. We all come through this feeling differently, and finding that new normal is a process. {{hugs}}

ORknitter, I am supporting your feelings of unfairness. You need to be pampered and cuddled, and be told you don't deserve to have this ugly disease altering your life's trajectory. <<<hugs>>>.

ORknitter, when I read your post, it really resonated with me. Some of my friends and relatives insist on reminding me that I didn't really have cancer in their opinion, as DCIS isn't invasive. While I certainly understand that those with invasive cancer face fears that I didn't, sometimes I find myself wishing for a little more understanding about the pain and disruption arising from surgery and radiation. I also "picked" a bad time to get sick -- my surgery came one month after an uncle died from leukemia, 10 days after another uncle died from lung cancer, and 2 days after a cousin on the other side of the family was diagnosed with another form of leukemia. It's been a particularly tough time for my aunt, who lost her older brother and her husband in such a short time. I think it's also causing "compassion fatigue" in the family,

Even though this is "just DCIS" and others close to you also are dealing with serious medical issues, you need and deserve care and compassion, too. You couldn't be sure of the diagnosis until the final pathology report after surgery, and the road from the first sign of trouble to that final report can be a long one, filled with a lot of anxiety. Surgery, rads, and hormonal therapy all bring risks and potential side effects, and the DCIS diagnosis means you'll have to monitor for the risk of recurrence. So yes, the experience would shake most people, even if you didn't have any complications.

You'll find a lot of support here if those around you are not capable of providing it right now. Big HUGs to you!

Thanks, ORknitter. We are rallying around my aunt, and she has support from some wonderful friends. The funeral was too soon after my surgery for me to fly (especially as I had infection and other issues), but others were there for her, I've been supportive over the phone and through mail (she's not much for email), and I will be visiting her before the end of the year. I'm also using air miles to bring her to Chicago to see my mom and me when she's feeling up to it.

If you have friends or other sources of support who aren't connected to your husband (like this board), those might be especially good options for you right now as their attention won't be divided. I'm expecting a visit at the end of October from an English friend and it will be a real treat not only because she's delightful, but also because she is coming just to see me!

And don't forget to be kind to yourself. Take it easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up for how you're feeling.

Orknitter, happy to hear that there is one less thing to worry about for you. Yeah! Also happy to hear that DH is in the recovery stage. Perhaps you two could agree to pamper each other as you heal.

Percy4, yes, life is one negative event after another which often overwhelms us. I see that you also need <<<hugs>>>.