My mom was diagnosed and I'm mad!

smkmrn
smkmrn Member Posts: 7
edited September 2015 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mom told me yesterday that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We don't know how bad yet, she will have the biopsy probably later this week, but we were told it is definitely breast cancer.

Cancer has been widespread in my mom's side of the family, all her aunts and uncles (on her mother's side) died of cancer. So I guess I knew there is a good chance this might happen. And my mom is the type of person who is never happy, always complaining about something, particularly her life. She can never see the good side of anything. To her, there is no good side to anything. Knowing her, I knew how she would react if she was ever diagnosed with cancer. And she is having the exact reaction I had imagined, and I am mad at her. She has given up, has no hope, and just talked about how there is no cure for this type of cancer, even though she still doesn't know what type it is, how bad it is. All she thinks about and all she says is about dying and what we should do after she passes away.

I'm trying to be the strong one, to comfort her, to be on her side no matter what, but I'm tired of this. I'm tired of all the pessimism and how she has just given up. I keep telling her treatments have changed a lot since the last time anyone in her family had cancer, but she refuses to even listen.

Has anyone had a similar experience? What should I do?

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Comments

  • BrooksideVT
    BrooksideVT Member Posts: 2,211
    edited September 2015

    Well, first, I believe your mother was only told there is a high probablility of her having breast cancer. Without a biopsy, it is highly unlikely that any professional would tell her it is definitely bc.

    My suggestion would be to go with her to her appointments (biopsy, and surgeon/breast specialist, and maybe medical oncologist). These guys see so many of us (me, for instance) with unrealistic ideas of doom and gloom and are absolutely amazing at cutting through the myth and fear and presenting reality. Your job would be to call your mother's attention to their mentions of statistical outcome. Even if it is true that she has a serious situation, there are treatment options. I will add that for me, I was absolutely thrown by the docs telling me I would be fine. Believe it or not, I actually asked my surgeon to stop telling me that I'd be OK because, as it was so contrary to everything I understood about cancer, I found it confusing.

    Where I developed my confidence and, well, expertise, was in reviewing studies my surgeon suggested and reading, reading, reading all the info on breastcancer.org, and on these forums.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2015

    smkmrn, we welcome you here at BCO. It can be very frustrating when your loved ones manage serious issues differently than we we would. Perhaps you could ask her how she would like to be supported by you. It may make things easier along the way. Take a deep breath, and vent here all you like.



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  • smkmrn
    smkmrn Member Posts: 7
    edited September 2015

    One thing that really worries me is that the doctor just looked at my mom's mammogram and told her it was cancer, no x-rays, not biopsy (yet). It was either really bad that was evident from the mammogram, or it's one of those doctors. Has anyone had a experience like this before?

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited September 2015

    smkmm - I'm so sorry about your mom's situation and yours as well.

    Yes, the radiologist who read my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound did tell me that a biopsy would be needed to confirm the diagnosis but he was certain that it was cancer.

    The biopsy not only confirms whether a mass is cancerous but also reveals details of its characteristics - how fast it's proliferating, whether it has one type of receptor or another, etc. That information will help your mother's doctor's plan her treatment.

    Until your mom has a biopsy (soon, I hope) all you can do is speculate. That's a tough place to be. If she isn't already scheduled for a biopsy, perhaps you can urge her to get that on the books.

    Once she starts seeing surgeons, oncologists, etc., you could help by setting her up with a means of recording her doctors' visits to listen to again later (i.e., via smart phone) so that she can keep all of the information straight. Taking notes for her might be another option but I find the recording is more helpful.

    Good luck to both of you. Having been through cancer diagnoses with both my mom and my brother as well as myself I know first hand how tough this is for all of you.

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  • smkmrn
    smkmrn Member Posts: 7
    edited September 2015

    Thank you all for your replies. It's definitely very scary and very frustrating. My mom's biopsy is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I don't know how long it takes to get the results. All I can think about is that if it was evident from the mammogram, it's bad.


    Hopeful82014 - I hope you, your mom and your brother are doing ok now.

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited September 2015

    Smirnoff, ( SMk) autocorrect likes to be in charge.....lol...

    I was told it looked like Cancer. It was & I had a lot in my axillary nodes. Stage 3..... Not what anyone of us hopes for. That was 2 years ago, I finished chemo & radiation, now take Arimidex.

    None of this is easy. Most of us, get through treatment & regain our lives back, slowly.

    You can't change your mom. If she has that kind of personality of being negative, this certainly will add fuel to her fire. My daughter will occasionally call me on being a pessimist. I laugh & say, you are right!

    My Mom was a difficult person. Nothing I could do to change her or help her. Good wishes to both of you. Let us know. You are a loving daughter to want to help

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited September 2015

    getting the results back ?

    Totally depends on many factors.....I was lucky, ( I guess...) I was told 24 hours later. I think that is pretty fast. Some ladies wait 4-5 days...or longe

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2015

    smk, I'm sorry for what you're going thru with your mom. It is a scary time, for sure. What you have to keep in mind is you may not be able to reason with your mom at all when it comes to treatment for bc. You must learn to accept that you cannot change her. Its actually not your responsibility.

    Is your mom on any kind of antidepressant? If she's not, it may make a difference in her outlook if she has one prescribed for her.

    It may be hard for you to hear, but you are not obligated to save your moms life by trying to get her to change her outlook. You need to let yourself off the hook. Do what you can for your mom, but also take care of yourself. I wish you both well.


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