Breast and cancer, and the mind of a 27-yo.

Hello there, I'm new to this forum, I've seen lots of supportive threads around, and that gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in this painful journey. I'm going through some terrible times, and with the encouragement of my friends, I have decided to give this a shot. I will be open with my thoughts, I apologise in advance for any offence I might cause. I just hope that I could find some sisters here who might be able to pull me through.

On the day after my 27th birthday, I found a dent in my left breast. It was a dimple, and we all know dimples aren't good. Apart from the dimple, there were no other symptoms. Well, yes, I was tired all the time, but who isn't? I went to the doctor's promptly and after the few frightful weeks, I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I had 7 tumours in my left breast, and 2 of them was more than 4cm in length. All my lymph nodes on my left underarm were infected. I'm not familiar with technical terms, so I'm not going to try to use them. I didn't even realise that my body was dying. The cancer had spread to the lymph nodes behind my sternum too. But having gone through and met other patients at chemo since then, I guess I still count myself lucky for finding out and seeking treatment in time.

The fact that I have an advanced stage of cancer did not scare me. I was hopeful, I was full of fight. I guess it was my survival instincts. I won't choose to die, so I fight it. I'm sure most of you here would understand how easy it suddenly is to accept such frightful news when you don't have a choice but to face it. I was prescribed AC:T, and I've gone through both AC, and 3 sessions of Taxol as of today. I embraced hairfall, I mean how many times in our lives could we see how we really look like without hair, right?

What I was afraid of was how disfigured I would look after surgery. I'm 27, I love my sensual pleasures, and I'm single. I do, dream of finding the right man and starting a life to call ours with him. When I confided in my friends, they said the usual "oh, he will love you for who you are." I can understand where they are coming from, I would say the same to a friend too. Perhaps this is the part where some of you might relate with me. I am scared sh*tless of rejection after my surgery. I have consulted my doctors, it will not be a nice sight. (If I may add, I was asked to do chemo before surgery as my tumours were too rampant and aggressive. Surgery is scheduled late dec/ early jan depending on my progress with chemo. I will need to have a massactomy and reconstruction on my left breast, I am seriously considering removing the right one as a preventive measure and also to balance out the implants.)

I told myself that I would get myself inked when I'm done with these all, I have embraced tattoos and always had plans to get more (I have 3 large pieces around my sides and back). I also told myself that our body is but a vessel, yes, the initial sight might be a shocker to the man, but it is the mind that drives the vessel. And I'm still the same person, I still know my tricks. I am still the same person, it shouldn't be so bad. I had all my fears and self-assurances put in place. And, I too believe that a man who loves me will see past my scars.

See, I was having an on-again-off-again relationship with an ex boyfriend of mine for over 4 years. He is the typical scum that we know - lying, emotionally abusive, selfish, you get the drift. We were briefly in contact during this period of time (it was our birthdays). Nothing too serious, and I told myself to be cautious. During the weeks of tests and hospital visits, I confided in him as I was in so much distress. When the diagnosis was confirmed, I remember him holding my hand, and telling me that he wants to be here for me. Hence began our journey again.

I am a creature of love, and love is what drives the core of my soul. And hell, I loved this boy so much. There were more good times than bad during the 3 months of his participation in my cancer journey. He was distant, but somehow constant in checking-in with me. He was hot and cold, but I drew so much strength from looking forward to hearing from him, and seeing him. In one of our fights, he had told me that he would not be able to accept me after my surgery (mastectomy, reconstruction implants). I do not blame him for feeling this way, but his words have confirmed my greatest fear - the rejection I would face after my surgery. And this rejection is coming from the man whose opinions my silly heart valued the most had hurt me truly. Time passed after his hurtful words, we went back to what we were, I learnt to live with that fear (after countless nights of shivering in panic attacks in bed alone). Until another incident happened this week.

Someone had tipped me off that he had been having other girls over at his place, flings and romps, and ex-girlfriends. I do not thank said informant, as the information was not conveyed to me out of goodwill, but in a fit of anger and intention to hurt him. So I was set in motion, like a piece of pawn, I am ashamed to admit that the next thing I did was to snoop on his private stuff, and hell, did I find out that he was a cheater, and a serial one at that. He had a harem of girls whom he actively dirty talked, flirted, and had sexual romps with, throughout the 3 months of us being together. I'll save the grotesque details that I've found (it's not worth our time, right?). I was devastated. I had confronted him, and of course he jumped the gun and blamed me for everything instead, he even blamed me for having cancer.

If I were in the right mind, crying over this seems so stupid. But I'm not in the right mind - I am blindly in love, isolated from work and friends (I have little friends), lonely, and suffering from self-esteem attacks. I cried. I've cried for days. I cried through chemo today. I feel as though I was torn apart. I was not ready to go through the rest of this alone. Whatever little he had done for me, he was still the pillar of my strength through this journey. I returned to smoking, it is the only way I know to cope with a break up. I had been smoking for the past 9 years, light smoker (2 - 4 a day?), but still one. I had quit upon my diagnosis.

I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel that there's no way I can come out of this intact. I'm alone, unwanted, disfigured. I have lost all strength to face tomorrow. I've thought of suicide, but I'm not brave enough either, and thank goodness I still have some sense left. I feel miserable and pathetic. I have no idea why it is so hard to get over this blow. I am at my rock bottom, and I don't know how to get back up. Life has lost all its pleasures for me.

This has been a really long rant, longer than I had expected. Thank you for taking the time to read, if you had. I do feel a little better and more clear headed, having sorted my thoughts out in words, but I know that I will still feel broken tomorrow when I wake up.