Mum has stage IV cancer: Do I have a baby?

Maddi1
Maddi1 Member Posts: 2
edited September 2015 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hi,I haven't used support forums before, but I have got something going on that I really need advice of people who may be going through a similar situation.

My mum was diagnosed a few years ago with stage IV breast cancer, mets in bones, and wasn't given long to live. Several years later, she is doing fairly well on treatment, which is incredible, although has extensive bone mets now. I'm married and now ready to try for a baby. but, Im so worried and confused, because: If I get pregnant, what if mum deteriorates, doesn't make it to see the baby, and I'm left overwhelmed with sadness and grief whilst trying to nurture a baby? As we know, cancer is so unpredictable -we have no idea when she will succumb to this sh***y disease. What if I cant support or care for my mum properly if/when it gets to that point, if i'm pregnant or with child? What if getting pregnant makes my mum feel bad - am I pushing in her face something that she will be missing out on? Just to note here, my mum really, really wants a grandchild, has done for years. I don't want to talk to mum about it as when I said I wanted to to my partner, he rightly said the decision for when to have a baby should be ours alone - instead of me looking for the green light from mum. He is very supportive - the decision really comes down to me - which is a lot of pressure to get it right.

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Please also note none of us are religious, so I cannot find comfort in religious words of wisdom.

Thank you xxx

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Comments

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2015

    Hi, and welcome to BCO. We are really sorry for what you and your family are going through. Naturally this is a very personal situation, however you say that your mother would feel great joy knowing that you were going to have a baby, and if you and your husband are ready, you should perhaps not delay. We wish you the very best with your decision.

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited September 2015

    As a mother, grandmother, and Stage IV patient, I can tell you that if you get pregnant it will NOT fill your mother with sadness, but with joy. There is nothing more life-affirming than a baby. I don't spend the time I have with my grandchildren mourning that I might not see them grow up. I spend it enjoying them and loving them.

    Leah

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  • scuttlers
    scuttlers Member Posts: 1,658
    edited September 2015

    Agree with Leah. I am also a mom, grand mother, and a great grand mother, with stage IV breast cancer. This would bring ONLY joy! Don't wait, if the time is right for you, then DO IT!!!

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  • 3-16-2011
    3-16-2011 Member Posts: 559
    edited September 2015

    Hi

    I am a mom of teen agers and a stage IV patient. I love my family and they are so supportive and I NEVER want them to make a decision based on this disease. I want my family members to find joy and let me share in their joy for as long asI can.

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  • glennie19
    glennie19 Member Posts: 6,398
    edited September 2015

    Maddi, I think it would bring your Mum a lot of joy to go thru pregnancy with you. It is a personal decision for you to make with your partner and while you might be stressing, thinking how will you cope, if Mum gets worse,,, you will make it. Take it a day at a time. May your Mum be stable for years to come.

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  • Italychick
    Italychick Member Posts: 2,343
    edited September 2015

    I am a grandmother of three and they are the shining lights in my life. Getting to hold them, or know they were going to be born is something I would want to be a part of no matter how I was doing. Even the chance I could be there to hold them would be enough for me. I would want the affirmation that the circle of life continues and that a small part of me will continue on in those grandbabies

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  • Chantal10
    Chantal10 Member Posts: 105
    edited September 2015

    please have a baby! Your mom could only be thrilled for you!


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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited September 2015

    My dd found out that she was pregnant three days after my dx (I was stage IV but didn't know at the time). It was such a positive force during the early months of surgery and tx. All I could think of was that sweet little baby. I didn't worry about the future and that beautiful baby is now 3 1/2 and brings me endless love and joy.
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  • rainnyc
    rainnyc Member Posts: 1,289
    edited September 2015

    You know the toast L'chaim, which means here's to life! As others have said, a baby, or even the promise of one, feels like an enormous affirmation of that fact, and it's hard for me to think that your mother wouldn't greet the prospect with joy. Whether your mother lives only to see you pregnant, or whether she is able to hold the baby or even to be a presence in the life of your grandchild, the love that she brings to you and your child will nurture all of you, yes? And she'll be nurtured in turn, no matter how long she lives.

    The week after I was diagnosed this spring, knowing I was going to start chemo, I planted my garden. L'chaim!

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2015

    Your spouse is correct in saying the decision to have a child rests with you two as a couple and not you and your mom making the decision.

    It seems you are projecting yourself way, way into the future with all of the "what ifs". Try your best to live in the fullness of one day, today. Life takes many twists and turns and we cannot predict everything that is going to happen in our lives.

    I think you feel some guilt that you could be starting a brand new, exciting chapter of your life while your mother's future is less than optimistic. Yet your mom has probably lived a full life and is still quite capable of experiencing the joy of a grandchild on the way. And in the midst of your mom's health issues, you are still allowed to have wonderful moments and are not required to put things off in order to accommodate her illness.

    Having a baby will shift your priorities. It's okay. It's normal. There is no right or wrong in your decision. It's just a choice. It's not about being the perfect daughter, the perfect wife or the perfect new mom. Life's messy. Live it.
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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited September 2015

    I can't imagine anything more exciting and uplifting to your Mom than hearing she's going to be a grandmother! Assuming you and your partner are ready, it sounds like something that will bring your Mom a tremendous amount of joy, which may be the best medicine ever. No one can predict the future, so why go there with "what-ifs," especially when your Mom is doing well now and hopefully will continue to for a very long time.

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  • Maddi1
    Maddi1 Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2015

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you all so, so much. You are an incredible bunch. You have no idea how much your thoughts and advice have helped me, even just in the past 24 hours. TheDivineMrsM - you've got it completely right, and I didn't even realise that myself. There is definitely a huge amount of guilt there for me. However after reading all of your comments, that feeling of guilt has started to ease - and I'm beginning to feel hopeful that the prospect of a baby will be a happy one for mum and us all, not just for me and my husband. Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to reply to my post, I wish you all the very best xxx


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  • MusicLover
    MusicLover Member Posts: 4,225
    edited September 2015

    I agree with what everyone else has said. I remembered this thread and was reminded of the radiation issue for pregnant women and small children. I am not reminding you about this to stop you from having a baby but just be mindful when your mom has a scan or has received radiation therapy. Best wishes to you.

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  • PoohBear-61
    PoohBear-61 Member Posts: 263
    edited September 2015

    Image result for what ifs quotes

    image

    Maddi ...Nothing makes a Mom happier than seeing her daughter happy ......go for it if that's what you and your husband want ...!!!!!!!

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  • MelanieBC
    MelanieBC Member Posts: 74
    edited September 2015

    My mom is not Stage IV but I know that she would never want her cancer to stop her daughters from living. Your baby may give your mom the peace and joy she is looking for through all of this. Hugs.

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