How do I stop hating myself?

Hi EbonyEyes:

I was not a good girl about getting regular mammograms and I had good insurance. Regret sucks, so I try not to look back, but to learn from my experience and apply what I have learned to do better in the future.

Regarding the nurse who told you this cancer "probably started forming twelve years ago and would have shown up on a mammo two years ago," she has absolutely no way of knowing what would have shown up on a mammogram two years ago. Also, that 12 year number is subject to debate. I think it is highly variable and can range from about 5 to 10+ years. When it chooses to become visible via suspicious patterns of micro-calcifications or whatever is a biological phenomenon that is not as predictable as she would make it seem. Maybe it only became screen detectable 11 or 12 or 18 months ago. Who knows. Sadly, cancer does not become visible according to an established timetable that is in sync with each patient's annual or biannual screening timetables.

I am glad you went in when you did, and that it was visible at this time, caught early, and that the prognosis is very favorable.

BarredOwl

EBONYEYES: Please do not blame yourself. You have NO WAY of knowing when your cancer would have been detectable. That nurse should be reported for saying those things to you. You could have easily have had mammo's every single year and it not be seen,, as has happened to many of our sisters. Please please, do not beat yourself up. You need all of the positive energy you can muster, to help your body heal from the upcoming surgery.

It is a shame that you were not informed of these low cost programs to get a mammo,, and the doctors should have told you about them. Getting cancer is not your fault.

Yes, as a 40DD, it will be noticeable to be lop-sided,, but you can wear a foob to disguise that or get recon if you desire. We are here to be your support team with whatever option you choose.

Ebonyeyes,

I had a clear mammo in Nov 2013 and was diagnosed Stage 4 five months later. That nurse should never have said that to you. She wouldn't know when a mammo "might" have found your tumors or if it would have. You can't blame yourself for any of this.

Ebony, my IDC was only detected through the MRI I got when DCIS showed up in the other breast. If not for the DCIS followed by a contrast MRI, I'd be walking around with an undetected tumor. Even when they knew it was there, they couldn't see it at all on mammogram.

As many of the replies have already said, it is just not possible to know if your BC could have even been detected earlier. I had a .07cm that didn't show up, myself, and I totally agree with what Barred Owl posted to you.

If only we could know everything in advance. Then we could avoid all the bad stuff in life. Too bad it doesn't work that way. Instead, we have all kinds of experiences (good & bad) that we learn from. It's fine to look back at what happened to you if you can get something positive from it--like now you have found some resources in your community for low cost health care; but if you look back and all you are getting is negative, like self-blame and self-hate then stop looking back. Face forward.

BC puts a lot on your to-do list, so concentrate on what you need to know and do and who you will need going into your surgery. I know you are scared of what is to come. That is natural. It is the fear of the unknown. Every time I got freaked out by that, it really helped to think that many, MANY women had been through it before me. I got to thinking that they could not all be superwomen, that were probably just average people who got the same bad news that I did and somehow managed to step up and take care of business, even if it meant cutting away a body part. I thought, "Well, o.k. then, I can do this!" Try to learn and understand what all of your treatment options are. Ask questions and keep asking until they are answered, so you can make informed personal choices. If you can do that, you will be creating the best opportunity to one day look back on the whole BC ordeal, not with regret or loss of esteem, but with a sense of accomplishment at all you have done.

Ebonyeyes, please give yourself a break. I'm 63 years old.....starting having thermography....cutting edge at the time, then mammograms, biopsy, then 3d. This all started after I was 22 years old. Nobody knows for certain when your cancer started....and yes, those same docs should have referred you to a program

Don't hate yourself! Please! I did the mammo's and was told it was all clear. A few months later I found a lump and had it checked out. They told me it was a fibroadenoma and to have it rechecked in 6 months. I listened to them and then went back in 6 months and they indicated it looked like cancer and wanted to do a biopsy that same day....came back cancer. I did what they said and I still wound up here. I even am a fitness professional and have lived a healthy lifestyle and have no family history...none of that mattered. Please understand that often even with getting exams, mammo's, etc.... many of us still end up here. Hugs!!!

As others have said, no when can say when your bc started and even mammos can miss them. I was faithful about mammos for years and even had a needle biopsy at one point. They all revealed nothing abnormal. Thirteen months after a clean mammo I was dx'ed with what was thought to be stage II IDC mixed with DCIS. Six weeks after my surgery, I was found to have a bone met. Hello, stage IV and I did everything "right".
So, take time to grieve and be angry but realize that you can't go back and rewrite the past. Then, decide how you want to live today and in the future. Therapists who specialize in cancer patients and anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds can be very helpful too.