My head is swimming

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fidget
fidget Member Posts: 135
edited August 2015 in Waiting for Test Results

Hi everyone. First I would like to say thank you to everyone here. Seeing your stories and your concern for others is truly amazing. I have learned so much in a week's time. So now my story. About a week and half ago, I was getting ready to take a shower and was pinning my hair up when I saw a long indentation on the outer side of my right breast. I had always heard to bend over and check my breasts, but never about putting my arms up in the air. So I started feeling around and sure enough I felt a huge lump. Well it was huge to me. I just felt sick to my stomach. I was able to get in to our military base women's clinic a few days later. The doc wrote me an order for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound if needed because I have very dense breasts. I did that yesterday at our little local hospital, and the doc called me not even an hour later. She said the mass is 2.5 cm and has some outreach. The radiologist is pretty positive it's cancer. She set me up to see a surgeon on Thursday the 20th. I feel like my head is in a fog. My fingers are trembling as I type. August 27th is my 25th wedding anniversary and I feel like any celebration is on hold. Anyhow, I wanted to say thanks to you all again. Coming here is the only thing keeping me sane.

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  • queenmomcat
    queenmomcat Member Posts: 3,039
    edited August 2015

    My sympathies! I can well imagine you don't feel particularly celebratory right now. (22nd anniversary for me, on the 21st, though not so hard on the heels of my diagnosis.) Do you know what the next step will be? Biopsy?

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited August 2015

    HI fidget,

    We're so happy you found us -- welcome! As you've already noted, our community is an incredible source of support and information while you navigate this nerve-wrecking time. Just try and take a deep breath while you wait for the surgeon's appointment on Thursday, and we'll all be here, sending our positive thoughts your way.

    Please keep us posted!

    --The Mods

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Thank you so much. I will definitely will post my progress through this journey.

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Thank you queenmomcat. No, I have no idea what is next. From what I understand, the surgeon on Thursday will lay everything out for me. I guess that is why I'm so crazy with worry. All I know at this point is I have joined this club that I did not volunteer for. LOL.

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  • queenmomcat
    queenmomcat Member Posts: 3,039
    edited August 2015

    Yes! that initial time between the diagnosis and the treatment plan is awful! Followed close by/possibly even passed by: did the chemo work? did the surgeon get clear margins? is the PET scan negative? and all the whatifs.

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  • ml143333
    ml143333 Member Posts: 658
    edited August 2015

    Fidget - now is the worst time, the time between testing and diagnosis.  My advice first off is DON'T CANCEL YOUR ANNIVERSARY PLANS. Keep your plans and celebrate!!!  Take your mind off what is happening for a little bit!


     

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    So I see the surgeon today at 3:50 and I am a mess. I just feel sick to my stomach. I guess I know inside that I will leave there with the same fears because I will still have a million questions that he can't possibly answer this early in the game. I hate it because I'm usually the strong one, the cheerleader for everyone else, but right now I'm not sleeping, eating, or accomplishing much of anything. I think I'm being hyper aware of all my aches and pains and wondering if the cancer has spread. This 2.5 cm lump just feels huge to me, and I wonder how in the world I missed it. I just want to kick myself. My last mammo was April 2014, but with dense breasts who knows what was really there. I find myself thinking I need to get everything in order like I'm gonna leave this earth soon in a few months or even weeks. I'm losing my mind. When I come here and read your stories, I have hope. As soon as I leave and try to live life, I'm back in that deep hole of fear. Anyway thanks for letting me get this all out. Hugs to all.

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  • Larkspur
    Larkspur Member Posts: 88
    edited August 2015

    Fidget, I think all of us who read your posts will recognize the fears and feelings you describe. Here are a few suggestions that you've probably already seen on this site and will hear from others, but a little reiteration can't hurt:

    Write down all of the questions that you can think of to ask the surgeon this afternoon;

    If possible, have someone come with you to your appointment to take notes, as well as provide support;

    Ask for a prescription for Xanax! It's helped many of us through those panicky hours and days of not eating, sleeping, or concentrating, and being overly-aware of any twinge or pain.

    And no self-blame here about "missing" this problem. This stuff happens, no matter how vigilant we are and how well we take care of ourselves. It's hard for those of us who are the strong ones and the cheerleaders for others to accept that some things are simply out of our control. But at least we have some control over how we respond to them.

    Hang in there! Please let us know how things go. And feel welcome to send me a private message, for more advice or just to talk, about anything.

    All best wishes,

    Larkspur




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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Thanks Larkspur. I felt better after your kind words, and I felt better after I met my surgeon. No new information really. I just felt better knowing he was in my corner. I really felt comfortable with him. They are going to call me today after setting up a biopsy to confirm everyone's suspicions. I will up update with the results. My husband is going to drive me up to Myrtle Beach for the weekend to try and relax a bit since we don't live very far from there. I hope my head can stop spinning for just a bit. Thanks again to everyone.

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  • Peabrain
    Peabrain Member Posts: 268
    edited August 2015

    fidget: once you have biopsy results, I would recommend talking to an oncologist before you schedule surgery. Your surgeon is only one part of the medical team.

    Enjoy Myrtle

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Hi all. I had my vacuum assisted biopsy this morning. I was so nervous I thought I would pass out. Thankfully the radiologist and ultrasound tech are super great people. They treated me like the big baby that I am. It was an odd feeling procedure, but not nearly as bad as it was in my head prior to the whole thing. Now the real waiting begins I guess. My follow-up with the surgeon is Thursday afternoon. What a way to spend my 25th wedding anniversary. My husband and I will be sitting in the docs office I guess. I think I have actually calmed down a bit now since I feel the ball is rolling. I'm sure I'll have many ups and downs and I'm glad I have found such caring and informed voices here on the boards. Will update as soon as I hear something. Thanks guys.

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  • queenmomcat
    queenmomcat Member Posts: 3,039
    edited August 2015

    Imagination is an amazing thing....glad to hear that your test went well, as far as such things ever do! (I expect the radiologists and technicians are quite used to handling flipped-out women in a soothing manner; mine were wonderful throughout.)

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Here I go again. I feel dizzy. My appointment with the surgeon to get biopsy results was suppose to be tomorrow at 4:40 pm but his office just called and they want to see me today at 4:30. I'm glad to get results back early, but I'm terrified that this is bad news and they want to see me asap. I'll post the news as soon as I can.

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  • queenmomcat
    queenmomcat Member Posts: 3,039
    edited August 2015

    Take a deep breath: I'm hoping it's just that they had an opening today and didn't want to keep you waiting, one way or the other, any longer than necessary!

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Thanks queenmomcat. I'm trying to keep it together. My mind is going a mile a minute. It's crazy, but I feel like all these steps should be getting me closer to a game plan, but each appointment leaves me with more questions. I guess if I get bad news today, which I really feel I will, I still won't get all the info I want. Am I correct that I can't be staged until the tumor comes out? Ugh, more waiting. I hate being in the dark which is where I guess everyone here has been before.

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  • queenmomcat
    queenmomcat Member Posts: 3,039
    edited August 2015

    Yes, trust me: we've (pretty much) ALL been in your position at the beginning. Some more so, some less. Some faster, or more drawn out. But we've all been in that AAAAAAA!!!!!!whyme? point.

    I'm still not 100% sure of how staging is determined--perhaps someone more informed will chime in--but my impression is that oncologists will do a preliminary staging with the biopsy results (and whatever other tests they've done), and a more accurate one with what's excised should a more extensive surgery be called for. Sometimes our diagnosis changes, from one to the next. But not always! Mine didn't.

    But right now: deep breaths. Do something calming. A walk. A hot bath. A few minutes of gardening. Whatever works for you. And come back to let us know the results of the biopsy!

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Well, I guess I'll be moving on to the Just Diagnosed area. Surgeon told me today I have IDC. We don't have the hormone receptor tests results yet. MRI is Friday. Worst part is, my husband of 25 years tomorrow is being an absolute jerk. All he heard was the doc said I will be okay after treatment. He didn't hear the each woman is different, survival rates are rising, each woman responds differently. All he heard was I would be okay. So when we got to the car and I started crying as the diagnoses set in, he just yelled at me saying he's glad he went so he could hear I will be cured and that basically made me feel like I wanted him to feel sorry for me and that dying from this is in my head. Wow. So here I sit alone letting all this soak in. I guess I'm just a big baby and cancer is no big deal.

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  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited August 2015

    Sorry to hear. I am also waiting today to hear the results of biopsy. But was told its 75% cancer. My doctor acted very confident and not to be shocked

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  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited August 2015

    Fidget,

    Sorry about your diagnoses. I am married as well with still young children. My husband is supportive but is not acting in panic as I am. He is sleeping well and continues his daily activities. Men are not used to being care givers - at least majority who I met. I guess with kids it's better not to panic and just go on..

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    EuroAmerican,

    You are absolutely right about men. I just wish for once I didn't have to be the cheerleader. I will be thinking about you while you wait on your test results. I hope your story will turn out better than mine. Just remember, most will come back with a benign result. Both my radiologist and surgeon were pretty sure I had cancer, but my surgeon told me you never know because some benign conditions can mimic cancer. I have my CT scan tomorrow and maybe an MRI if they can get approval from Tricare which is my insurance.

    Can I ask where you are from in Europe? We spent 8 wonderful years in Germany and I miss traveling there so much. Enjoy your family and try not to worry too much. I know that is easier said than done, but please try. I'll be praying for you.

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited August 2015

    fidget, you might want to get your husband a book called The Breast Cancer Husband. I venture a guess that most men act like idiots when their wives are first diagnosed. My husband was too, but he rallied. He went to every chemo treatment with me, took me to the ER one night when I spiked a fever, and twice drove me to radiation treatments in bad snowstorms.

    I do think that it is really hard to understand what someone goes through when they're diagnosed with cancer unless they've been through it themselves. I knew I wouldn't die from BC any time soon, but I was worried about needing a mastectomy and chemo.

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  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited August 2015

    Hi Fidget,

    Good luck tomorrow with your testing. Germany is beautiful!!! I am from Prague, Czech Republic. I was post to get my pathology today but didn't. Should get it tomorrow. I was hopeless on Tuesday and Wednesday when I was told 75% cancer. I feel it's silly from doctors to say it. They really shouldn't say anything until pathology report. It's not fair. I am going to switch doctors because of this. I don't need to hear %. I want to focus on the results and treatments. Hope you get your tests done tomorrow!!!

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  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited August 2015

    Fight,

    You will learn on here many men are idiots! Instead of him making you feel like a crybaby, just imagine how he would react if the doc told him he was going to cut off his penis!

    It may just be his fear for you showing in this manner.

    You can remind him many of us were told we were cured with surgery, now are Stage 4 and fighting to live

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    Sjacobs146--Thanks for the book recommendation. Maybe that's exactly what he needs. I really hope he comes around.

    EuroAmerican--I know how you feel. I have found in my waiting though that no answer really satisfies me. Had my doc given me a percentage, I would have been crushed. But on the other hand when he told me "we are not in the game of guessing", I kept asking "but what are my chances?". Everytime we move forward, I have new anxieties. I am now so afraid of my scans today. The unknown is the worst. I hope you get some news soon. On a side note, the Czech Republic is beautiful also! I really miss Europe.

    Beatmon--That's exactly what I said to him! Someone has to fall in that "small" percentage. Even small is too much. I told him to go to any stranger on the street and tell them how he acted with me just 10 minutes after we left the doc's office. I'm willing to bet most will tell him he was a cold jerk. We have a 19 year old daughter who lives at home and attends college. She is mad at him for the way he has been treating me, and of course he feels that is my fault too. I'm just trying to hold it together since I have to get ready for this battle.

    Ladies, thank you all for the support. It's so generous for you too listen to other's when you have your own battles going on. I hope I can gain the same strength. I will update on the scans.

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  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited August 2015

    Fidget,

    Hope you get some good news today. I am waiting by my phone. Because I should hear next few hours. Since this happened I have been thinking about my life. I am a pleaser as many women are. I also create a lot stress in my life. Always worry about my kids and family. I have noticed that I am the person who others complain to. Especially my mom / nobody else will listen to her. So I am the one where she will dump all the negativity of her own life. And she has had a lot... I have to change my life from now on... I have noticed that even my teenager / daughter has learn that more she is complaining, nagging and having issues, the more attention I give her. It wouldn't be a big deal. But I get really stressed and worried when my love ones are not happy. So I am changing my life today...

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  • fidget
    fidget Member Posts: 135
    edited August 2015

    More waiting. I was able to have the CT scan, but my insurance did not approve the MRI yet so I have to wait for that. Everyone from the surgeon to the radiologists were upset about that. My small town hospital has really impressed me. When I was a kid everyone called it Tombstone because, well, you get my drift. They're pretty high tech now. LOL. Glad I can still laugh about some things.

    EuroAmerican--I know exactly how you feel. I'm also the one everyone leans on, so when I'm down, everyone is down. I feel like there is no room for my own feelings and problems. I know I am the only one who can change that though. Did you hear anything yesterday? Hope all is well. More waiting for me.

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