A place to talk death and dying issues

Hi, sweet sisters, it's been a tough week and taken me time to wrap my mind around it.

On Monday my DH and I met with the onc again, and again agreed I should stop treatment. My onc said he would be with me to the end, and set the wheels in motion for me to start hospice. On Wednesday, a hospice nurse and hospice social worker came to our home and met with us, and arranged to have oxygen delivered for when I would need it. Friday, the nurse delivered all the meds she wants me to use when needed, including a box of morphine. I cried seeing the morphine with my name on it. It's something I never wanted to see.

I notified my two sisters by e-mail, and put the word out on the local friend grapevine. I would much rather my local friends tell others than for me to have to do it. I wrote cards to 2 friends and my ex-SIL because that was easiest for me. It just felt too much for me to get into extended conversations with them about it.

I always told my DH that it was entirely up to him whether to have a service for me or not, and I thought he would prefer not to. I told the gal I think of as my spiritual advisor about this, and she said she's worked with others to put together service plans in advance which could be used or not. I mentioned this to my DH and he said he'd very much like for me to do that with her. This surprised me. One would think after 34 years I would have known what he wanted, but we've never been through this before.

I was very grateful when my DH said he would contact the Neptune Society about picking up my remains and cremation.

I feel fine except for bad SOB and extreme sleepiness.

So that's the long and short of it.

Thank you for being there!!!!

Love,

Calico

Calico,

Gentle hugs to you. In my thoughts and prayers

Nel

With you and wishing you peace. S.

It's very sobering to read your words and the thoughts you express regarding hospice, medicines, relationships and how you're dealing with all of it. It is insightful.I hope we are of some comfort to you, being here with you in spirit. I appreciate your sharing what you're experiencing, physically and emotionally. Keeping you lifted in prayer, CalicoCat

Calico, although I am relatively new to the stage IV crew and just started my treatment 5 months ago, I often visited this thread and have read all the posts here. I have seen your deep footprints along your brave journey which are mixed with thousands and thousands of others who walked before you on this path. I saw your joys, and I saw your sorrows. I saw your courage, and I saw your grace. All this will remain here for ever. I wish you all the best!

My love, my thoughts, my prayers, my hope...you know the lives you touch here & now you are teaching us to be brave right along with you, beloved Sister.  XO

Thank you, dear, sweet sisters. You are the only ones in my life who I can bring my thoughts to, who are able and willing to help carry the pain. Bless you all for your kind words and for being there.

Love,

Calico

Divine - Thanks so much for your reply. I actually think I am handling this fairly well. I have been trying not to dwell on the future and how things will be when I am gone. If I spend too much time thinking, it just wastes the time I do have.

Prayers for you Calico.

Calico I'm glad you checked in. I pray you are able to enjoy each day that remains,

Hi Blondie. Nice to hear from you too. I hope you are feeling well and able to enjoy each good day.

Calico,

If you tell your sister what you just told us in the same thoughtful way, she should understand.

Everything you wish is reasonable. You should have it.

Tina

Dear Calico - You said it so well in your post. Let her know your wishes. As a nurse who helped many leave this planet, your sister is probably in a good position to understand what you want. She may be surprised at first, but comforted that she will contribute to fulfill your wishes. Perhaps in writing would be easier. Sending you hugs and courage.

Calico - you said it best in your post - that is the way I would like to leave as well - perhaps DH could talk to her first to spare you the emotional turmoil. Hope you're resting comfortably, sending hugs, S.

Thank you, dear sisters, you inspired me to write a letter! She and my older sister should both get this before I see them on August 21st.

Here's the letter:

*************************************************************************************************

Please forgive my typing this letter.My penmanship is really awful these days!

I decided to send this to both of you because it may affect both of you.

I do not want anyone at my bedside when I'm passing except for Bettina (my spiritual adviser), a Buddhist priest if available, a hospice nurse, if necessary, and Scott sitting quietly in a chair reading his Kindle since that is normal for him and would be comforting to me.

I've had a lot of time to think about this over the years.The reason for my wishes is that I can't imagine anything more painful for me than having to see the pain and sorrow in my loved ones' eyes.I want to leave this earth anxiety and pain free, and I know I can only do that in a very simple way.

I also don't want anyone jumping on planes and hustling to get here as I take my last breaths.That would really stress me out, too.

What you can do for me is just be who you are, loving sisters, and we'll try to get together as we can.You are both invited to come here, but the timing of that is not critical.

Please know it is not because I don't love you that I ask this, but because I do.

So look forward to seeing you for Elizabeth Pearl's birthday party!!!

Love,

**********************************************************************************

I tried to keep it "I" versus "you" oriented and not talk about the phone call from little sister. Just start with a clean slate.

Thank you for your comments and inspiration!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo!!!

Calico

Calico, that's a beautiful letter, as eloquent and graceful as I imagine you are! I wish you a wonderful visit with your sisters later this month.

xo

Rose.

perfect