How did you feel when you were first diagnosed?

I had so many similar feelings. Especially about being a wife and mother. My biggest fear is leaving my children with no mother. I am also afraid that things are worse than they seem (which unfortunately was compounded for me after my MRI revealed other issues).

I am in the process of a lot of self-blame right now. Especially with ER+ cancer, I feel that if I would have partied less during college and grad school, I might have prevented this. That all the hard living from prior years is now coming back to bite me and that my children will be the ones to pay the price for the wild ways of my youth.

I also feel like I'm not ready to be upbeat about all of this. I have an acquaintance who was diagnosed with triple negative IDC at 31 and is also a young mother and she keeps telling me to "stay positive." I firmly believe in God's plan and that I will have peace about this at some point, but I'm just not there yet and all the unknown factors are scary and I don't feel positive at all.

queenmomcat - I had a child and I breastfed for longer than most women. Didn't help me! Then you always hear about those 110-year-old women who, when interviewed, say their secret to long life was a good bottle of whiskey and cigars. Even poor health choices don't necessarily cause cancer without the genetics and environmental factors to set it off.

Cajunqueen; vent away! It's lifestyle changes for all of us, I think, to some degree or another.

Somebody once told me, your children don't know what a perfect parent is - you are the standard. That helps me when I feel like I'm doing my best but it isn't enough.

I'm thinking about the time factor too and projecting too much. I have no clue how we will handle chemo if need be with no family in town. We won't be able to afford the nanny (who only works 35 hours a week anyway) if I have to give up my salary for 6 months... what then? I want to say cross that bridge when and if I come to it, but the thought of having no plan gives me anxiety. I'm a big planner!

I've felt overwhelmed since we had our identical twin girls in 2013. I wouldn't change a thing but I was not prepared for how hard twins would be when you are healthy, especially with a husband that works all the time.

Hi!

I just want to say that I have thought just about everything written on this thread. Often wonder to myself will this ever get better?! Seems like there is always something. I don't like surprises but lately it seems like it's always "something"

Add me to the "don't like surprises" group! My husband knows better than to throw me any surprise parties. Of course with BC, once you get diagnosed the rest of it isn't a complete surprise because they tell you just enough to leave you in suspense and terror for weeks or months before the next big surprise comes.

I found out 12 days ago that I had IDC grade 1,<5mm . Yesterday I saw the surgeon. The treatment plan is lumpectomy followed by radiation, followed by hormone suppresion therapy. Thirteen years ago I was diagnosed with salivary gland cancer. I had two surgeries and 33 radiation treatments to both sides of my face. Since then I have struggled with repeated tooth extraction, donor bone placement, scar tissue in my cheek that limits opening my mouth, hearing loss and damage to my ears from the radiation. I have had hyperbaric therapy twice, and I see my ear doctor every four weeks for ear cleaning to keep the holes in my ear canal from getting larger and exposing more bone, and it hurts. How do I feel about this new diagnosis? Mad as hell, full of self pity, resentful, crabby, hurt,victimized, tired of it all, humiliated. I will do what is required of me to get through this, but I don't think I am going to be very gracious this time. I am very grateful to have my husband beside me in this, i dont know what I would do without him. If I really work at it, I am grateful that I don't have to have chemo or a mastectomy (I'm sure this will become stronger down the road). I have actually been in therapy with Cancer Family Care for years so I have a counselor I really, really like. I am grateful for her. But, yesterday, when I was laying on the exam table with my breasts exposed to the five people in the room, I had this incredibly strong urge to run out of there and just keep going. I guess that is the flight response. Ok I'm tired of being cranky, I'll leave now.

Marie Therese Its been quite a while since I last visited this site to read and hopefully provide some words of hope. This post caught my eye, and I was compelled to respond. It has been six years and 3 months since my treatment. Only recently have I been able to talk about my experience with breast cancer (DCI 2A) without bring tears to my eyes. I was afraid and can recall moments of seer despair. It was my journey and although I wouldn't want to do it again, I am a tiny bit thankful for my experience. It has (like everyone who has experienced it) changed my life, in many ways for the better. Keep you spirits high and go to bed each night with positivity for a better tomorrow.

One of my favorite quotes: "I am too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic be fearful, and too determined to be defeated"

I am ashamed to admit that my first thought was losing my hair. ( I love my hair)- HAIR IS IMPORTANT, to many women and something I totally relate to. When it grows back, it will likely be better than before, mine was..

I am afraid that others will judge me and assume that I just wasn't taking care of myself. If you feel judged by anyone, dismiss that as quickly as you can. The diagnosis is not who you are or what you represent. Take the opportunity to exam you life and you health, then make healthier choices. It worked for me.

I read that the cancer drugs cause weight gain and I do not want to gain any more weight. I already have too much as it is. Gaining weight is temporary and something you have the power to do something about. Its not permanent and with a few minor changes can be controlled and reversed.

I am afraid people will not want to be my friend because they will be uncomfortable around me. If there are people like this in your life now, they were never your friends, and your better off without them. Surround yourself with only those that add value to your life.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me or talk about me at work . I worked through my entire treatment. My team had almost 130 people. I told my entire team just enough about my condition and asked them to be supportive but not intrusive. they were terrific.

I am afraid I won't be able to work. This is why there is disability. If you don't feel up to it, use it.

I am afraid people will be too nosy and ask me too many questions. When that happens, asks them a question back. like "Why do you want to know/" That worked for me.

There is nowhere to cry at work or even take a private phone call. Discuss it with you boss or the H.R.Dept. They should and most likely will be understanding and make accomodations

I will be too sick to be a good wife and mother, Family is about give and take, its time that they should be there for you and take on roles and responsibilities that will help you, until you get back on your feet.

They haven't found everything yet. Don't pre-worry. It is terribly stressful and doesn't help you at all.

The doctors know more than they are telling me. Ask, Ask Ask, until you get all the answers you need.

I feel contaminated and damaged. This is simply not true, every person who ever lived has experienced a trauma in their lives, and having cancer is not who you are.

I am not ready to be positive and optimistic, you will be soon, take it day be day.

Why can't I just get a new pair of boobs and be done? RIGHT! That would be great, I would totally sign up for that :-)

Thank you Lissee, there is so much in your post I can take to heart!

"We'll know more when... " I can't take hearing this anymore!!!" - THE WORST. And it's always some date that's a long way off and totally out of your control and then is inevitably delayed by something else totally out of your control.