New normal? I don't think so...

Donna-Dew
Donna-Dew Member Posts: 264
edited August 2015 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Warning: Pity party and rant below

Finally, finally today I had a meltdown, I have been trying to hold it together ever since April (about 2 weeks after my mastectomy) when my husband was almost killed in an accident. After his 8 week recovery things were starting to look up again. He was feeling almost brand new and my pathology results showed no invasive cancer and clear margins. We should be sooooooo lucky I know, and then I started my "journey" (another one of my favourite words – NOT) processing everything and adjusting to the "new normal". In my humble opinion there is nothing normal about life after treatment. I read this woman's story a few weeks ago in The Globe and Mail, http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/after-cancer-treatment-i-had-to-walk-away-from-my-life-as-i-knew-it/article25533491/ and felt so understood, the writer was able to put my inner angst into words. I hope her words can help you too. She had a lot more intensive treatment than I did, actually I feel guilty that I still feel the same angst knowing that I got off a lot easier.

Physically I recovered more quickly from this mastectomy than I did from the one I had in 2012. But this time I am suffering from delayed shock as I try to get used to the idea that I will never have breasts again. And I really thought that once you had a BMX then at least you could relax knowing that "you are done". But NO. A few weeks ago I discovered a pea-sized lump next to my sternum on the recent mastectomy side. I had an ultrasound yesterday and am hoping for the best since this is only 4 months post-op. Surely it must be just something associated with surgery trauma, right? I am also experiencing pain and swelling now in front of my shoulder/armpit area, I am guessing that this is related to the sentinel node biopsy but I still have to address that with my doctor next week. Who knows? The ultrasound technician covered that area too, just in case. Believe me I am ready for the worst knowing there is still a 3-7% chance of recurrence or new cancer (depending on what source you use). Hard to believe I used to be the most positive person you could know. But now I am anything but light-hearted, I am becoming more angry and bitter. Maybe because now I understand that I will always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for the return of the monster. Worried that I can no longer do annual mammograms but must rely on doing my own "breast" exams. Everyday I am reminded of breast cancer when I get dressed. And as the article above says, trying to have a "normal" day seems forced.

For some reason I feel ashamed for feeling so down. How low can I go? I have been going to a counselor but I think that now I need to bring on the chemicals. This has to be depression. My counselor is trying to convince me against anti-depressive meds, encouraging me to process everything with her instead. She feels that meds just cover up the symptoms and that problems will come back once I stop taking them. I don't know what to think anymore. I felt better after today's meltdown, but I still feel like I have a long ways to go, sigh!! Thanks for listening.

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Comments

  • ksusan
    ksusan Member Posts: 4,505
    edited August 2015

    So sorry you're having a rough time. It's my experience that too much depression makes it very difficult to process emotions, and that an antidepressant can be very helpful for continuing to have the therapeutic conversation in the face of overwhelming negative feelings. NIMH consistently finds an antidepressant plus counseling (particularly cognitive therapy) to be effective for depression.

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited August 2015
    Donna, just wanted to let you know you were heard and to thank you for posting so honestly. I am sorry you're going through all this yet again. As to chemical assistance, I say whatever it takes. I don't see why it should be an either/ or situation. Hang in there...
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  • mira845
    mira845 Member Posts: 68
    edited August 2015

    i can relate!

    I don't want to go for anti-depressants but I really don't know how I'm going to navigate this "new normal".

    I had a hard enough time keeping in my happy face without the new health problems. Finances, single mother, stressful job, asshole ex.... Thank you for this big addition!!!!

    I'm still waking up in the morning with the "was that a dream" feeling and then the " oh yeah...no, not a dream." My new reality. yay. Did the same thing the first couple of weeks after my (now ex-)husband up and left. I was so proud of myself for handling that drug free....but now this ...

    I have a therapist... We shall see....

    So I jion your pity party...I totally understand!!

    I

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  • Donna-Dew
    Donna-Dew Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2015

    Thank you so much for your understanding Ksusan, Hopeful, and Mira.

    Think that I will be requesting an anti-depressant next week when I go for my results, why be shy about this anymore. And wow Mira you have alot going on too, welcome to this new reality party - honestly.

    Hugs to you ladies,

    Donna

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited August 2015

    Hi Donna:

    All I can say is the counselor has obviously never discovered a pea-sized lump next to her sternum on the recent mastectomy side. That just puts you right back into the vortex of fear and worry. It's hard enough to navigate everything you have been through this year without that. You need to do what you need to do, and if there are some unresolved issues later, you can address them then. There is no timeline

    Hope everything turns out to be something benign.

    BarredOwl


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  • Donna-Dew
    Donna-Dew Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2015

    Thank you for understanding BarredOwl, that's where I am right now... in the vortex of fear and worry, but so good to feel supported here. I had to wait 3 weeks for my ultrasound. I was polite to my GP's receptionist but she still couldn't understand why I was anxious about the appointment date seeming so long away. Obviously she never had breast cancer before or an undiagnosed lump. Then I calmly spoke to my nurse navigator about the new development and she took a rather nonchalant approach as well. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I certainly felt like I was being ignored. I guess I wanted this dealt with and I was not prepared to wait. Oh well. The results are coming soon enough. Next week I will have the direction I am looking for, more tests more than likely. I don't think that they can give an absolute diagnosis from an ultrasound. Will keep you posted!

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited August 2015
    A 3 week wait for an US would have driven me over the edge. I'm glad you can at least come here to vent amongst those who get it.
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  • 208sandy
    208sandy Member Posts: 2,610
    edited August 2015

    Donna - instead of an anti-depressant maybe try an anti-anxiety drug and of course see your therapist too - I don't use a therapist but do avail myself of the services of my local cancer clinic's social worker because she is a gem, she listens, has a wonderful sense of humour and is very good at getting me to choose the right pathway (for me).

    Good luck! S.

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  • Donna-Dew
    Donna-Dew Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2015

    Hopeful, exactly! I see the edge approaching lol!! I was just explaining in another post I am waiting patiently to hear the ultrasound results on Thursday, and preparing myself for a much longer wait to get a biopsy. With my last 2 biopsies (prior to mastectomies) there was a 3 week wait between mammogram result date and biopsy date. And a further 3 week wait for pathology results. As you can probably tell from those wait times I'm in Canada. So I think what I really need in the coming weeks is an anti-anxiety med. This whole process is going to take me to the end of September, unreal. Think I will take up running to help offset all this nervous tension. Never been an avid runner before but for some reason it is appealing to me now. Maybe just a subconscious desire to run away from it all!!

    Sandy, I've never taken an anti-anxiety med before. I'm hearing good things about zanax. My mind is working overtime, worrying a little (ok maybe alot) but more so planning out all the what-ifs. If this lump is found to be cancerous after excision, then I'm thinking that the treatments available to me will be radiation and/or chemotherapy. We live 3 hours away from the city so it goes without saying that we would experience a major lifestyle upheaval for a while.

    Rose, thank you for that encouragement. I have a mountain high pile of paperwork to do today but I just decided, no, I am going to go to the boards to chill with my girlfriends there first. I work from home so I have that luxury. After reading your suggestions I'm now thinking of only processing half of that paperwork pile and then doing something that is totally just for me and something healing for my spirit. Not sure what that will be yet but it's gonna be good :))

    Hugs to all you ladies!!

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited August 2015

    Hang in there, Donna. The waiting is a special kind of torture that those outside the experience cannot understand. We do and we'll be here to help you get through it.

    Running is probably VERY good idea!

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