My imagination is worse than my reality

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AspiePoet
AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
edited August 2015 in Waiting for Test Results

I hate the not knowing. I can't stand uncertainty. It is like torture as if life is playing a cruel game with me to see how far I'll go before I break.

My world changed on July 22, 2015. My shoulder had been aching, not constant, but just every now and then - enough to be a nuisance. I am a writer so at first I chalked it up to some funky way I was holding my laptop or a weird way I was sitting while typing.

Then I started feeling around and there it was, in my left breast, a lump. It is probably grape sized, maybe smaller. I can't really tell. What I can tell is that it doesn't seem to move - if it does, it isn't much. I also have pain under my shoulder blade directly behind where the lump is.

I didn't do anything right away. I wanted to see if it would go away. Several days later nothing had changed so I talked to my husband. We don't have insurance so we burned several days looking for a doctor I could go to and pay out of pocket without having to mortgage my home. I called the American Cancer Society for information - numerous times as nothing panned out. Finally I got in with a clinic who set me an appointment but I would have to wait for four weeks.

The woman setting up my appointment told me that with the symptoms I was describing I should try to get seen earlier. So I kept trying. Finally I got in with a women's clinic and was seen the next day (July 30). At the office visit the doctor noted a mass in my left breast and swollen lymph nodes. I asked if I should be concerned and she said yes. She wanted me to get a mammogram ASAP.

She gave me the order and the next morning I called. My diagnostic mammogram is scheduled for Monday, August 3 at 3 pm. It will be a mammogram and sonogram from what I understand.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. I still hurt. My underarm feels swollen, not much but enough to be a little uncomfortable. Most of the time I don't even notice it though - well, except for the nagging, mocking word that keeps clanging around in my brain and surfaces when I least expect it - cancer.

No cancer in my family but I guess that doesn't really mean anything. I am 48 years old, had a complete hysterectomy in 2007. I am no idiot; I know this doesn't look good.

I just wish I knew. Pretty much anything would be better than this waiting, this not knowing. I want to know that everything will be OK. I want to know that I will hold my grandchildren and attend my daughter's wedding. I want to know that I will grow old with my husband.

But right now I know nothing.

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Comments

  • CAMommy
    CAMommy Member Posts: 437
    edited August 2015

    I'm so sorry. The waiting is the worst! I know. I was just waiting for pathology results yesterday and I though every second seemed like an hour. I have no advice as I just sat and worried. But some people watch tv or movies, or shop. I also have a rx for Xanax. That helped the most. If your worry gets where you can't sleep or interferes with your ability to do anything during the day, you can ask your dr for a prescription.

    (((Hugs))) it gets better once you know. While they can give you a b9 result from the mammo/sonothey can't give you a definitive cancer result. If they think it's suspicious you would then have a biopsy.

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Thank you; you are so kind. My husband is here and he tries, but I just feel like I need people who know exactly what I am going through.

    I hate meds but I am making myself a cup of passion flower tea right now. Maybe I'll add a little valerian and some damiana (go or the big guns). I pray and that helps.

    Thank you.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited August 2015

    You are certainly in the right where people understand the agony of waiting, over and over again. It is something that one really needs to wrap their head around in order not to go mad. We are all here for you, and hoping for b9 results!


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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Thank you so much. That is what I am praying for.

    Just trying to keep my imagination under control. It is like a wild pony.

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  • Nancy2581
    Nancy2581 Member Posts: 1,234
    edited August 2015

    HI AspiePoet - I'm sorry you find yourself here. I absolutely hate the waiting too - it's torture. I'm hoping for nothing but benign for you. They say 80% of lumps are benign so hang on to that. I know you have some swollen lymph nodes too, but try not to go there until you get there. It's hard - the mind can be evil. I know mine was. Hopefully you can find something to occupy your time until Monday - like go shopping lol. Hugs

    Nancy

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    LOL

    Thank you. I am naturally analytical and that is turning against me right now. I am trying to write (I am a freelance writer) and it seems to be distracting me. I am thinking positive thoughts and holding on to my faith.

    It is what it is though and I am prepared to accept whatever - but between you and me I am hoping and praying for it to be nothing!

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  • coraleliz
    coraleliz Member Posts: 1,523
    edited August 2015

    Swollen lymph nodes can be sore & hurt no matter where they are found on the body. Many causes besides CA. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers & hope all goes well on Monday.

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Thank you.

    It is the breast mass plus the swollen lymph nodes on that same side that has me a little freaked out. Well, that and the doctor being so concerned. She got real serious real quick. And then everything went into hyper speed.

    There has to be a better way for people to get through something like this - the waiting.

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  • DSW1976
    DSW1976 Member Posts: 118
    edited August 2015

    ASpiePoet,   Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and not alone.  Like they said above 80% of all lumps are benign so hang in there.  I know is so hard to do and hopefully they can give you some kind of an idea on the 3rd.  Make sure if they send you for a biopsy not saying they will but if they do based on mammogram ask for birad score.  Good luck

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Ah! Good to know! Thank you.

    You have just sent me scurrying to Google to find out what a birad score is...

    I am hoping that I am in the 80 percent...

    My doc said a biopsy is very likely. She also said she hopes she is wrong.

    It does feel good to be around people who know how I feel. I am trying not to freak out or worry because I haven't told anyone but my husband and my pastor and his wife - and two very close, praying friends. I am not saying anything yet because I don't want to deal with everyone else's emotions. I know that sounds selfish, but I just don't feel like reassuring or comforting someone else right now.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited August 2015

    I hope it is benign. My mother had a grape sized lump turn out to be nothing that was 30 years ago. I never felt my 2 lumps one was idc the other ilc. Saying a prayer for you.

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  • DSW1976
    DSW1976 Member Posts: 118
    edited August 2015

    I Didnt want.to give you miss information on the exact meanin of birad.  Score but for me it was given after my mammogram before biopsy for likely hood of cancer mine was birad 5 . I just had 2 other lumps that came up come up again after chemo and surgery at a 3 and my dr said not to worry so I am not. She said fat necrosis. There are many things it can be. I never had a lump with my original diagnosis so I don't know a cancerous one feels but a have a swollen lymph node in my cancer side arm pit. Sorry again but you have found the best place to be. These ladies will get you thru.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited August 2015

    You may find our information on BI-Rads also helpful http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/testing/types/mammograms/results

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015
    Thank you so much! That does help. This is all so new to me.

    Regardless of the outcome, this has changed me.
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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    I hope it is benign as well. I don't know what to think, really. It seemed like it moved around when I first found it but now it doesn't seem to move at all. Might just be my mind playing tricks on me.

    One more day...

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    I am SO GLAD I found you guys!

    I just can't help but wonder how many women are like me, uninsured, tight budget, and no support or resources? We wound up paying out of pocket because my husband did not want me to wait a month (the one appointment I could get).

    I had to wait one day to see the doctor and four days for the mammogram. Considering what I was looking at, things are moving fairly rapidly. Still, these few days have just about driven me crazy. I ping pong back and forth between complete peace and insane worry. One minute I am sure it is nothing and the next I am convinced it's worse case scenario.

    I can't imagine waiting months to get the necessary tests and exams, yet based on my experience, that is the world of at least a segment of women in our society.

    I find that troubling.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited August 2015

    Hi AspiePoet, please keep us posted!

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited August 2015

    If it does turn out to be BC, please check with the ACS about some resources to help you pay for any treatment and also, check with the social worker at whatever facility you will be treated. Praying that you have a benign result! Hugs!

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  • WinningSoFar
    WinningSoFar Member Posts: 951
    edited August 2015

    There is no time that is worse than the Waiting Time. And that includes dealing with the cancer, if that's what it turns out to be. I find that to be interesting--that not knowing is worse than the thing we actually fear. I recommend Xanax.

    I've been diagnosed twice and the last time was pretty grim, yet here I am coming up on my 4th anniversary. Just hang in there and know you're not alone.

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Benign!

    The doctor was baffled because the mass has changed to smooth and perfectly oval and the lymph nodes are were no longer swollen. The tech couldn't find it; I had to show her the general area where it is. It is much smaller and, like I said, the shape and feel has changed. I can now feel that is it uniform and smooth.

    I have been doing some serious praying and warring in the spirit the last few days.

    This has raised awareness for me, though. How many other women go through this and don't have the resources to even get seen in a timely manner? I would have had to wait a month if my husband hadn't shifted bill money around to pay for me to be seen.

    I wrote about it on my blog.

    Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. You helped me get through a very difficult time.

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  • Suladog
    Suladog Member Posts: 952
    edited August 2015

    Aspie,

    so glad for you!!!

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  • Nancy2581
    Nancy2581 Member Posts: 1,234
    edited August 2015

    YAY AspiePoet - best news every. So happy for you!!!!

    Nancy

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  • AspiePoet
    AspiePoet Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2015

    Yes, I am so relieved! Thank you all!

    God is good!

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  • worriedteacher
    worriedteacher Member Posts: 22
    edited August 2015

    I'm so happy for your results!

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