My Mom's Cancer is now stage IV

Little-G
Little-G Member Posts: 647
edited July 2015 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I don't post very often.  I was dx with ILC shortly before my mom was dx with IDC.  She had a mastectomy and no further tx.  We went to ER about a week ago, she fell and was having a hard time breathing.  They ran many tests and found out her breast cancer is back in her lungs.  The doctor says it does not look good and tx will be more for pain than anything else.  She is 82, so I realize she is not young anymore and at some point something is going to get all of us.  I am just having a really hard time this last week though.  I keep breaking down at random times.  My dad died of lung cancer years ago.  Now my mom.  I don't know what I am really asking here and maybe it is more to put it out somewhere in some way.  I'm just having a tough time, that's all.  I meet with her oncologist, who happens to also be mine, next week.  That is stressing me out too.  Well, I guess just deep breaths and one day at a time.  I am feeling overwhelmed.  Thanks for letting me share.

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Comments

  • WinningSoFar
    WinningSoFar Member Posts: 951
    edited December 2014

    I don't know how to comfort you. You have have one mom and it doesn't matter what takes her, she's the only one you'll ever have. I fell to the floor in a faint when I heard my mom died. I'm so sorry.

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  • Nel138281
    Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
    edited December 2014


    There is no good time or age for our mom's to pass , breathing will be difficult for a while.  Take are of yourself while coping with all. 

    Do you think your Mom would want a second opinion?   At about the same age , my Mom refused any mammograms, she never had BC but said given her age , she would refuse treatment anyway - so what was the point.   Initially I was very upset - but did come to realize these were her calls to make.  So what does your Mom want?   This should be your guidepost. 

    Take care, do what you need for yourself.  There is no easy way through this time

    Nel 

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited December 2014


    Thank you, WinningSoFar.  You are right.  It doesn't matter what takes them.  And maybe that's what it is.  I very much appreciate your words.  It makes sense to me.  Thank you for sharing and I am sorry about the loss of your mom too.  I wish you all the best. 

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited December 2014

    Thank you, Nel.  She doesn't want any treatment at all.  I told her we should at least go and see what the doctor says.  So, we will do that next Monday.  No, there is no easy way out when you lose a loved one, that is very true.  I appreciate your thoughts and thank you for listening.  It is tough at any time.  I hope you are doing well today.

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  • bevin
    bevin Member Posts: 1,902
    edited December 2014


    Dear Little-G, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know your pain (our stories are similar) as my Mom passed a year ago at about the same age from complications of cancer. Her health didn't allow for treatments and she would not have elected them anyway. It was hard for me to accept this, but similar to you, we went and heard what the doctors said and recommended or didn't recommend and why. It helped me to realize how her future months would be , why treatment would be more harmful than the cancer and enabled us to plan for her care. My Father had passed 2 years before her and as she became sicker, I was able to tell myself that at least when she did pass that they would be together , happy and healthy in Heaven. Praying for peace for you and for your Mom to have an easy time with her cancer.

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited December 2014

    Bevin, Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry for your loss.  It never goes away and some moments it just comes all right back.  I know this is going to be tough so I am trying to get ready for that, although I suppose you never are ready. I just don't want her to be in pain for too long, which I'm sure we all wish that for our loved ones.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  They are really appreciated.  Monday will be a hard day going to the doctor.  It is going to suck.  No other way to put it for me.   I wish you the best and thank you for the kind thoughts.  They help!

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited January 2015

    I wanted to just update my mom's story, for my own somewhat peace of mind.  She was just released from the hospital again.  The cancer has moved to her brain and more in her lungs and bones.  The doctor says anywhere from 2 weeks to maybe 2 months.  Hospice is coming tomorrow and will set us up.  She is going to stay home with us for her final time here.  I think we are all still trying to wrap our heads around this.  She is glad to be with family and we are glad to have her here.  She's given so much of her life to all of us kids and to her grandkids, I just can't see letting her go out with strangers.  They sent her home with some liquid morphine and something for anxiety.   I have no idea what to expect and it is our first experience with hospice.  If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would appreciate them. 

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2015

    Hi Little-G,

    We wanted to send our love and support to your mom, you and all your family.

    Having the people she loves around her right now is what matter most.

    Sending big hugs to you both,

    The mods

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited January 2015

    Hi LIttle-G - I am sorry for all the heartache. I came across this little book that does a nice job detailing the dying experience. I am glad you are able to have her close during this sacred time. Gentle hugs.

    http://www.amazon.com/Gone-From-My-Sight-Experienc...


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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited January 2015


    Thank you, Mods and Farmerlucy.  I appreciate the hugs and thoughts.  They are needed as I feel pretty lost right now.  Farmerlucy, thank you for the link to the book.  I will definitely look at that.  I am a reader and so anything that will help right now.  I just don't know what to expect and I suppose that is the thing about it.  I'm sure I will learn.  Thank you again. 

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited January 2015


    Farmerlucy, we met with hospice yesterday and in my packet of things they included the booklet you mentioned as well as another called The Eleventh Hour.  My stress level is through the roof.  I will need to do something about that. 

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited January 2015

    Little-G thoughts are with you. 

    I know your stress level is through the roof, but decisions have been made.  This is your opportunity to spend quality time with your Mom.  The hospice folks can help you take care of you along with your Mom.

    I hope for her sake and your yours that she is not in pain, and that your family is at peace.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited January 2015
    Hi Little-G - I'm glad hospice is helping. Just do the best you can and take care of yourself. I can only imagine that anything "cancer" is a stress trigger for you. When I was struggling I met with a Stephen Minister from my church who is a social worker in real life. She really helped me sort out things. I thought I would soon pass the way I had seen my mom pass from this wretched disease and that scared the wits out of me. Could that be something that is making this so much harder for you as well? I don't know why life is so hard sometimes. Thinking of you and your family.
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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited January 2015


    Thank you pajim, you are right and I am hoping we are able to fall into maybe more of a 'routine' as we get use to living together.  My mom is not difficult at all and I am not sure why I am so stressed.  The doctor's can't believe how good her lungs sound for how far the disease has progressed.  She is now on liquid morphine.  She takes a little in the morning and a little at night.  We help her with getting up and down on chairs and on the toilet when she needs it.  I am really trying to focus on taking advantage of the time we have left.  It is not always easy though.  I work too, often from home, so I am not getting as much done as I should on that end.  Our routine at home has changed, my room has changed.  It just seems a lot at times.  I feel guilty for even saying that, but that is honest.  The last couple of days I find myself ready to break down, but I don't.  I know what my mom is going thru is harder than what I am and I feel selfish for being overwhelmed.   I'll have to figure it out. 

    Farmerlucy, I am sorry that you had to go thru this with your mom.  And you could be right that some of it is due to my past dx.   I am considering some sort of support group.  I do think it helps to talk to others in similar situations.  Or familiar with the situation, like you did.  Thank you for the thoughts.  I know people are going thru much worse than we are so I will do my best to do what I can.  It's not about me.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited February 2015

    Erased 3 things I started typing.  I don't even know why I feel the need to put this out there but I guess I just do.  My mom is fading very fast now.  I believe there is someone from the other side waiting for her. I feel an overwhelming sadness today.  I guess I just wanted to put that out there.  Maybe when I hit 'submit' some of the sadness will fly off with this. 

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  • RebzAmy
    RebzAmy Member Posts: 322
    edited February 2015

    I so feel for you Little-G - I have no words to help you but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I'm sure that I speak for many others here. Sometimes it helps to offload a bit. Sometimes it helps to hear words of comfort. Sometimes nothing helps but we do what we can to try and help ourselves get through something.

    Thinking of you.

    Hugs xxx

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  • Nancy2581
    Nancy2581 Member Posts: 1,234
    edited February 2015

    I am so sorry little-g. My heart is breaking for you. Please know I am thinking of you and your mom. Please take care of yourself

    Nancy

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited February 2015


    Thank you Nancy and Amy.  My mom passed away Wed. night.  I was with her when she had her last breath although I believe her spirit already left.  I am glad she is no longer in pain and I know she is in a better place.  Thank you all for the good thoughts and hugs.  And for listening to me.  I wish you all the very best. 

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  • Nancy2581
    Nancy2581 Member Posts: 1,234
    edited February 2015

    I am sorry Little- G. It's never easy to say goodbye. I know you have lots of tears now but one day you will think of her and smile. May she forever rest in peace.

    Hugs

    Nancy

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  • LindaE54
    LindaE54 Member Posts: 2,054
    edited February 2015


    I am so sorry Little-G.  Your mother was very fortunate to have you by her side.  My most sincere condolences.

    Linda

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  • WinningSoFar
    WinningSoFar Member Posts: 951
    edited February 2015

    I'm so sorry. One only has one mother and life changes forever when she is gone. My deepest condolences.

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  • Beachbum1023
    Beachbum1023 Member Posts: 1,417
    edited February 2015

    Little-G, I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Cheryl

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  • Little-G
    Little-G Member Posts: 647
    edited July 2015

    Thank you for your thoughts. I am doing OK. It's a tough loss as most of us know. It's been about 4 months now. I try not to think about it, but so many little things just come back. I am glad I had her with us and so very glad that she is my mom.

    I hope everyone is doing well and I very much appreciate all the thoughts and messages. It has helped. Hugs to all.

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