2014 Divorce Anyone?

I am trying to figure out if I am where I need to be.  My diagnosis came at the end of January 2014 at the age of 50.   Stage 1, IDC. (19mm so just barely).  First post, don't know if my condition will appear at bottom of post.

I am married.  I have 2 just about grown children, a mother with dementia, a father who cannot cope with her illness, and who has battled colon cancer in the past two years, but physically doing very well now.  We moved my mother to a nursing home in July, which has helped.  But during my surgeries and treatment, it was extremely difficult.  

Husband was supportive during surgery and treatments, and I guess still trying, in his own way.  I went for my first mammogram yesterday, he offered to come (certainly didn't insist) but I really wanted to go alone.   He asked me to call him , which I did.  No answer and it took him 2 hours to call back.   His response was, he was busy at work, I should have let him come..  Like it's all my fault.  He loves to do that.  AND.  he loves to ask "what's wrong"?    WTF really?  Just had to throw that in, as that question just drives me over the edge!

We live in a city, where there is always something fun happening.  Husband is content staying home, watching movies, alone.  Something I am not interested in.  The kicker is, he has a real problem if I go without him, or even suggest it.

Guess i am angry, emotional, premenapausal, hormonal, recovering, adjusting to tamox..    

I just want to run away.  I have said this to so many, but no one believes me or understands my feelings.   I have been taking care of everyone else for so long, it's my turn.  I want to do my thing?? Without hesitation or guilt.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I am a private person, and just seeing this written down has helped. I guess I will figure this out in time.   Just hope time is on my side.  This has been a life changing year, and my husband expects me to be same person.  I am not.

L

LB6012...I wish you could just run free...or maybe at least for a weekend...just take off...having been there with a mom with dementia, that in itself is a reason to need time for yourself...good luck dear. Rosie 

Hi LB6012, 

Welcome to the community! We're so sorry you're here but glad you found us. The community is a safe place where you can feel free to vent your frustrations and fears anonymously and without anyone judging you. 

We hope you get some resolve to all of this

Hugs from us,

The moderators

Radical... Yes somethings hurt us more . I question if she begged to come back that he won't take her. But she Is going through with the D . Signing papers this week. . If she doesn't start leaving him alone he will not be able to form new relationships. She is always texting him. He Says he ignores them. But they still come. She is not nice.

He met  someone with two kids at church. They started hanging out. Too soon though. Last Monday he told her he needed some space for two weeks. He stopped calling her altogether. They were getting close. I know because I had to supervise until last week. She called me and told me. Ask that I not tell my son. We talked. She would be good for him. But he hurt her when he stopped calling her and seeing her altogether. To bad they met so soon. He is just over whelmed.  I think it bothered me more than her. But at least now I can stay out of it.  Too hard for me. This whole thing. I have to get busy doing other things.

I'm year post bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. My emotions handled my breast cancer diagnosis/treatment/surgeries much better than what I'm dealing with now. My husband was great support and caregiver the past year, especially after surgery; we've been married for 32 years. What I'm dealing with now is the lack of affection and sexual intimacy from my husband. Before breast cancer, I would say our sex life was average. Since I've had surgery and reconstruction, we have not had any intimate moments. I finally confronted my husband after realizing that he has not cheating but turns to porn/masturbation for sex. He claims that 'it's different now' and he has a 'hang up' about my disfigured breast without nipples. I miss being desired and needed. I'm hurt, sad, tearful, anger. There's no one to talk to, it's too personAL and private. My husband is repulsed by my body! I'm not sure if I want to live my life with a person knowing that they don't find me sexually attractive......do I??? My self image was recovering, but now I'm feeling pretty low.

Hurting,,,,

Radical2squared,

I very much appreciate your support. I did write a letter after your advise, I left it in his vehicle this morning. We will see...

helpneeded

LB6012, like you, I stumbled across the definition of passive-aggression, and then I got this book (from my library), "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man." It  was a real eye-opener and explained a lot of the confusing behaviors.

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Ma...

Good luck!

Well, its been five years since my dx and treatment. Married for almost three years prior to dx and now eight years into the marriage and I am seeing a therapist to understand the damage that cancer has brought upon my body and marriage.  I love my husband, and he loves me. And I still feel strangely isolated and alone.  We have all the trappings of a great life, house with pool, great neighborhood, careers, children, grandchildren, family vacations, and I want to run away.   I don't want to have a physical relationship with him or anyone else, and haven't for years. The symptoms of menopause are extreme, and I have tried every safe alternative, but nothing works. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Its exhausting.  I feel like he has gotten dealt a bad hand and deserved someone that will/can appreciate him.  I love him and believe he is a wonderful man, but cant understand why he still wants to be married to me.....   If he said I want a divorce, I would say... I completely understand.  ugh! 

I second Merrelgirl' s post. We are all deserving of love. It's wonderful that you're seeing a councillor. Have you considered a trip to the gynecologist for an honest chat. A lot of what you're feeling may actually be hormone related and causing depression. No promises, but you might find help there too!

Hi everyone that posted encouraging comments.  Thank You! 

Still seeing  a therapist and she is has provided a great deal of help.  I am hopeful that we will be able to redefine our marriage and find happiness and contentment (with or without the physical)  Due to the type of cancer I cannot take anything hormone related or risk another bout of cancer, so.... I'm still managing all the effects of chemically induced menopause, including extreme hotflashes almost every hour, day and night.   Thank God summer is over and we have some cool weather here in so.cal. 

I truly appreciate the opportunity to communicate here on this site.  Everyone I've had contact with is just... wonderful!

I need help!! I am losing my mind I promise! I am always alone and miserable... I lost my job my kids are now grown and my husband is so selfish and mean that I cant talk to him at all.  He even took a job 500 miles away and often goes out partying and doesn't seem to care at all that I am the most depressed that I have ever been in my life.  I am going back to the cancer center in Tulsa on Feb 8th for a PET and am terrified of what they might find... I know that stress and depression can lower your immune system and I am worried even more because of the immense amount of crap I have to deal with every day... I wish that I could just pack up and move back to florida but I have to have his insuramce and we all know that it is hard to survive on disability alone... I feel like I am stuck in a loveless marriage and a house and city that I don't like at all.... If these are the last days of my life I really don't want to spend them alone crying every day . What can I do to feel better? We are always broke because of his spending habits and since I have only disability I sit  at home so I don't spend money... There is no where "pretty" to go and think here in Memphis and I am so tired of hurting this way... any suggestions?Thanks

I know it's been a long time since I have posted, and every now and then I would go back and read my depressing post, posted at the top of page 3.

I DID IT. I RAN AWAY.

Had a hysterectomy in February because of a few problems, but it was something I really wanted. Felt like I needed to do more. I was premenapausal and just wanted my ovaries shut down, so it was a relief. My husband was there with me during all of it.

My husband and I have not been getting along at all. Just a lot of tension and stress at home to deal with, along with my mother who has dementia, and my dad who in December almost killed himself falling off a ladder. I coordinated everything for mom at the nursing home and my took care of my dad for months during his recovery. STILL, my husband didn't get it. Thought doing a few dishes, is what I needed. It's not that he did a little housework, but he reminded constantly of the dishes he had put into the dishwasher the night before. Like I should bake him a cake for doing a few chores.

I had an opportunity to go to the Caribbean in late May with a friend and I just booked it knowing it was a real problem for my husband. The afternoon before I left, we had a big blowout, which I knew would happen and I was ready for it and I left. Had my car packed with everything I needed, and drove about an hour to the nearby beach community where my parents have a small home they don't use. Next morning, I left for the most fantastic vacation I have had in such a long time. Sat under a palm tree for 5 days, at an all inclusive resort. I have not felt so relaxed in years. When I returned I drove straight back to the little house near the beach.

I decided that I need to take a step back from everything this summer. I need to let it all go and take care of myself. I visit my mom once a week. Added sitter at the home to help. My son, who is a college student, stays with his dad because he's in summer school. But comes to see me and cuts grass for me most weekends. I enjoy spending time with him. I am taking Pilates class here and walking almost daily on the beach, and found a great nail salon. I also have relatives here that I spend time with on weekends.

I haven't talked to my husband too much and have only seen him once, since I "abandoned" him. Regarding marriage counseling, he said he would come with me while I went to therapy. I still find that one funny !!

I don't think I will ever go back home. "Que sera, sera. What ever will be, will be." Whatever happens, Iknow I will be fine, Independence Day this year has a new meaning for me.