Ridiculous things SO's say!! Blow off steam here!!

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MizMimi
MizMimi Member Posts: 98
edited April 2016 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I'm going to start blowing off some steam here before I pitch something at the wall. I was supposed to be fixing dinner and had it almost done while he showered. When he got out of the shower, he was pissed that I was online on these boards.

1. "Everything on that board will be there later."

2. "You are on the boards too much."

3. "You should have plated dinner and then go online, not the other way around."

You get my drift. It was all about his dinner being 5 minutes late. OMG.

The other day, I posted on this board asking opinions on how long I might be off from work. I told my husband that I told work it would be a minimum of 3 weeks. He said:

"I'm sure it will only be 3 weeks. You should be fine.. I'm sure."

He's really thinking "She better get her ass back to work and not be out longer since we have bills to pay."

I said "It's really not up to me. It depends on how I heal and what the doctors say and it could be 6 weeks, who knows."

He says "What? Six weeks?? It better not be six weeks! Where do you get the idea it would take that long to get back to work?"

I say nothing. Then he says "Well, take the time you need, but it better not be 6 weeks, but take the time you need. I'm sure you will be okay way before then."

1. I told him he was acting like an old fashioned asshat.

2. Followed by that I hope he stays at work while I recover from my surgery. And now I have to worry that he is going to be worrying about me not bringing in my income for several weeks!!!!!!!! G

Ugh.. sorry. Rant over!!


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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited June 2015

    Haha great topic MizMimi! We are sure many others will happily be joining in here soon to share their experiences!

    Thanks for sharing yours!

    --The Mods

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  • catlady44
    catlady44 Member Posts: 159
    edited June 2015

    I'm pissed as well, but for a bit different reasons. I really need to vent too. I try very hard to not be an angry person, but I've been bawling here and I'm tired of feeling so damn alone in this. The thing I hate hearing the most is "You're so strong" and "you're so brave". Really?! What the hell is brave about trying not to die? I'm only strong because I still happen to be alive and I've endured chemo and now surgery because I've had no f--ing choice. Bottom line is, the only other choice is death. That's what would be truly frightening.

    I feel so guilty when these comments make me mad. I'm about 2 1/2 weeks post bilateral mastectomy with expanders and lymph node removal after 16 rounds of chemo and I feel just drained in every possible way. Now comes the radiation. Fun. This isn't being strong. This is having no other choice but to go through this hell.

    I'm pissed off that cancer has robbed me of my femininity. I know the anger is pointless, but it's just here. Yes, I know I'll have boobs later, but for now I'm mangled and I'm in a lot more pain than I expected. I feel destroyed as a whole person and not because of my appearance really. Of course time will help me heal, but right now I feel devastated and every now and then I think, "I can't believe I actually have cancer." I've been fighting this for 8 months and I am TIRED! I have a high pain tolerance, but it's hard to find painkillers that really work for me and now I'm treated like a damn addict.

    Wow that rant got crazy and I'm sorry if I got off topic. I just have no one to really relate to. I'm still too sick to join a support group which is the dumbest part of cancer. The support is there, but I can't get out of bed so how the hell is that supposed to work?

    And Mizmimi - that is awful what your husband is saying. I would be furious. I wish we could just punch these idiot men sometimes! And I love the word asshat! That's a new one for me and I will definitely be using that in the future!

    Thanks for letting me scream.

    Much love and hugs -




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  • MizMimi
    MizMimi Member Posts: 98
    edited June 2015

    I'm sorry catlady that you are having such a tough time! I'm glad you vented here and I hope writing that all out helped you process and deal with the frustration a little bit!

    I know it helped me to do so. I know my hubby was just reacting to a little bit late dinner but it was probably more than just that. He's stressed about my situation and he has his moments, too... It's just not nice to hear it when I have all my crap to deal with, too.

    He knows he was an asshat! ( glad you like that word!)

    I am not yet where you are in treatment. I'm still meeting doctors and figuring out what I'm going to do. I'm sorry you feel so frustrated and robbed of femininity. It will get better soon!! Hang in there. Feeling guilty for your feelings is normal. Fighting cancer is not fun but you will beat it and in no time this will be in your past!

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited November 2015

    Hi MizMimi and Catlady: I also liked "asshat". Seems like venting has been helpful for both of you.

    Catlady: Some of your comments made me think you would be interested in a blog I follow - that can be a kind of support as well while you're stuck at home or if a support group is not your thing. The blog is by Nancy Stordahl, who is also a contributor at CureDiva. The home page is here:

    http://nancyspoint.com

    You will appreciate number 4 in her What not to say to a patient post:

    http://nancyspoint.com/four-things-not-to-say-to-s...

    BarredOwl

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited June 2015

    Oh MIzM what an analpore. Another asshole word. Dear friend couldn't swear or say certain words. I love analpore the first time I heard it just like I like asshat. Hmmm how many other words for asshole?

    Catlady, sorry...................for it all.

    Hugs to both of you.

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  • JJOntario
    JJOntario Member Posts: 356
    edited June 2015

    I love this topic and asshat. I'm newly back to work (part time after being off for 6 months) I'm feeling very fortunate for good benefits!!!) it friggen sucks to have to stress about money on top of everything else. We are moving in 4 wks and things are stressful. Let me follow that by saying we moved in January...DH decided we hated this house so in the middle of treatment we sold and bought another one. Who does that???? Between moving and back to work I'm bloody exhausted and DH doesn't get it. Rads wiped me out....and I'm so craving "normal" whatever that is???

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  • kittysister
    kittysister Member Posts: 212
    edited July 2015

    Here's a gentle hug to all of you .. from me. Actually, sometimes him saying nothing is worse than anything. What is the old saying .. "spare me your indifference"? Yep, that hurts .. a lot. I think HE thinks I am tougher than I really am. I guess we all have a lot of anger about different things. But moving in the middle of treatment, JJ, just wow!!! Have you made the big move yet? I can't even imagine. Just packing my own things would do me in.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited July 2015

    My husband says It can't hurt I'm just hugging you. Try not to squeeze so hard please. He just doesn't understand and never will.

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  • tazbear89
    tazbear89 Member Posts: 46
    edited August 2015

    Catlady, I noticed that you are in the KC metro area, have you called Gilda's Club or Turning Point? They have free counseling and may do it by phone. I have had issues with my post op too and I'm two weeks out. Hope this helps. Keep me posted. I live outside of Lawrence.

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  • Queen_Celeste
    Queen_Celeste Member Posts: 68
    edited August 2015

    catlady44 and taxbear89,

    Hope you are feeling better.  We are neighbors, sort of, as I live 1 mile from KC MO.  Another suggestion:  I go to a monthly support group at Shawnee Mission Medical Center's Breast Center.  It's a nice group and the facilitator/coordinator is terrific.  Just a thought.

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  • MizMimi
    MizMimi Member Posts: 98
    edited August 2015

    My hubby is no longer being an asshat! Just wanted to chime in and say he has become very supportive and helpful. He must have been having, understandably so, some stress related to my diagnosis and he was irritable..

    He's been behaving and very loving. :

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  • ksusan
    ksusan Member Posts: 4,505
    edited August 2015

    I'm glad!

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  • Sharazhad707
    Sharazhad707 Member Posts: 37
    edited September 2015

    Dear MizMimi
    Thank for creating the space to vent!

    My boyfriend and I broke up because he was just not there for me! He works really hard in a town about 90 mins away from me, but one would think that since my diagnosis he would offer some support?! Right? being the significant other and all that? No, he proves himself to be the siginficunt other when:

    1) He ignores what I am going through - blatantly. If I tell him all I got was a "sorry babe"
    2) Makes everything about him " My day at work was so shite, blah blah blah"
    3) Decides that instead of being closer to me which would seem like the norm, he considers a job offer another 90 mins away from me.
    4) Tells me, when I dispute the above statement, that we dont always get what we want.
    5) Fought with me when I had to cut my long locks (prechemo), and pretty much told me my hair cut was stupid.
    6)When I shaved my hair , asked why did I do that?

    Prior to all of this bullsh** he was a rather decent guy... now, well ... if he cant be there for me now then when can he be??

    I've also met other women who get chemo with me, whose SO's have also just upped and left... WTF? Who does that? In your time of need, why would anyone abandon you? I don't get it... I guess it just shows their true colours...

    Ok Vent session over

    @Catlady, I know what you mean about being brave and strong and insprirational... I hate those words too. I just don't want to die and while getting treatment I just want to live a normal life...

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  • Suzted7
    Suzted7 Member Posts: 44
    edited March 2016

    My favorite: "Its almost over." WHAT!? Yeah..I ONLY have two more rounds and then "I'm done." Um.............NO.....I'm NEVER GOING TO BE DONE! I've told him rads, hormone therapy, all the SE's from them both. The follow up appts. Jeez. So NO HONEY....it's not almost over!!!!!!😠😠😠

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  • Tresjoli2
    Tresjoli2 Member Posts: 868
    edited March 2016

    my husband's favorite "you don't have cancer anymore. It's gone. It's done". Ummmmm maybe for you dear...

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  • flowergrl63
    flowergrl63 Member Posts: 10
    edited April 2016

    My turn to vent and already I feel "guilty" for sharing this room with my fellow BC travelers....as my CA was/is so small and probably (as told by oncs) after the lumpectomy, radiation (4 zaps to go), cure is 98%. No chemo, etc., as so many here are enduring...God bless you!

    However, and this is my gripe: hubs knows all this (best scenario...phew dodged a bullet) and whenever I grown over my burning blistered breast, have a mini breakdown and just have a good cry, or sleep all day due to rads/reduced estrogen (had to go off E patch after glorious 16 year run after radical hys/ooph due to cervical cancer (once again, caught early, only surgery). So, yeah, I'm lucky, VERY lucky, this BC caught early, but still am I NOT entitled to a little PTSD? It's emotionally taxing to get a second cancer to my repro parts. I also very recently helped get my dear 38 y/o daughter with 3 young children through an aggressive stage III E/BC (fortunately, 6 years out ca free) from a distance of 500 miles and me working FT.

    It's the lack, the egregious lack of just the occasional altruistic, husbandly kindness -- "what can I get for you hon?" Instead: "Are YOU going to the store?? I need....". Or "Wow, you really broke the record for sleeping in today!" Interpretation: You, wife are not like me: up and at 'em crack a dawn -- I slept until 1 pm...(so what)....The thoughts, I'm sure, of many here in SO partnerships with men is: let us reverse the tables and see how you guys survive the pain, bodily intrusions, surgeries, removal of sex hormones, mutilations, etc., etc., without the need for comforting words and acts of love....

    I'm afraid, I have to seek out these vital, healing needs, from my sisters, daughters, girlfriends...and of course here; to me I am asking for so little. To him, I'm guessing, he is "giving in" to a kind of manipulation on my part...it's depressing as we are both past our 60's; shite's gonna keep happening...being married means leaning and active loving toward each other. I despair.

    I also need to remind myself: I married this man, no doubt subliminally aware of these tendencies...or to me character flaws that my dear old Dad had. So I cannot complain of being totally blindsided or surprised. And that first gyno cancer I had so many years ago....we were younger then but I had similar complaints....of his emotional shutting down...

    Sorry friends! This is more like a journal entry then a post to vent! I hope someone can relate; it's what is all about I guess.

    Tender affections and loving kindness to you all!

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