When your guy doesn't get it....

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miss_sunshine
miss_sunshine Member Posts: 48
edited June 2015 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Recently I found out that a friend's breast cancer metastasized to her bones. I told my partner about it and I've made several attempts to talk to him about my feelings but he has pushed me away. I used to be able to talk to him about my feelings and he used to offer comfort but now he is different. I feel so alone.

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  • crmnsuga1973
    crmnsuga1973 Member Posts: 100
    edited June 2015

    Sometimes it's hard for men to be emotionally available sometimes, especially if it is a topic such as cancer.

    Your partner may be scared of the reality of your friend's diagnosis, and maybe ask him how he's feeling if this is a mutual friend?

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited June 2015

    They think if they don't discuss it it isn't real plus it's hitting close to home and they are just plain scared.

    Diane

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2015

    I don't have any real life friends with mets, but whenever I tell my husband about someone who I follow online metastasizing or dying, he is sometimes is sad with me, but sometimes he gets mad at me for reading that stuff and sometimes he finds all sort of reasons to blame the person (ie I bet they weren't aggressive with treatment like you were, I bet they don't exercise and eat well like you do). In those cases, he shuts down and I can't talk about my fears without feeling dismissed. He even ranted against that woman who had the amazing MBC video because why did she have to go scare people?

    He's not as bad as my dad who is in super denial. I can't count the number of times he's trotted out that fcuking hit by a bus line to me. My mom had BC too and he tells everyone that it was non-invasive because it was caught at Stage I. Guess I can't blame the guy, all the close females in his life have battled the beast (his mom back in the 80s as well).

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  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited June 2015

    My husband is not really great at dealing with it all. He was super calm and kind of detached during my treatment, and sometimes needed some space. (Don't get me wrong he is a great hubby who loves me.)

    When I had my recurrence scare recently he was emotional.

    But yes, any sort of stuff about mets or death he just can't deal.

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited June 2015

    my ex would say "no i know you will be fine, you will live a long time"....... Eventually I left Mr Psychic.........just too lonely in a so called relationship, daily hurt..........

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  • MerrellGirl
    MerrellGirl Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2015


    Lily, you made me laugh!  Mr. Psychic - I love it!  Did you have to get divorced? 

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited June 2015

    Lily, I agree with Merre. great line :)

    Missy Sun, the guy is scared as hell and doesn't know what to say or do. If he doesn't think or talk about it, it doesn't exist. You mess with that mode of dysfunctional coping when you bring up the subject. His brain is going>>>ding, ding,ding....doesn't compute, disconnect and reboot.

    Another member connected to Mark Gungor on YouTube. The first link I watched was < 5minutes. She brought it for the humor. I was intrigued.I watched several hours.  He does marriage counseling. He's a minister. He presents human problems with insight and GREAT humor. If you wander through his YT presentations, you may find some useful stuff. I will guarantee you will laugh.

    This link is to a compilation of his YT presentations

    https://www.youtube.com/user/LaughYourWay


     

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited June 2015

    No we were not married but together almost 20 years.

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited June 2015

    lily, ouch.........

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  • MerrellGirl
    MerrellGirl Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2015


    ditto lily, ouch. . .bless you for deciding to end it.  are you happier now?  how long since it ended? any dependants involved (including fur-babies)?  i am one year post treatment, almost 2 post dx.  i too am lonely a lot and am married to mr. psychic.  they're not bad people, but it's tough to be in a close relationship with them.  ugh. . .

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