Regretting Tram almost 9 years out

I haven't visited BCO in so long but today everything came crashing back at me. My dx was 9 years ago this July. My Bi-lateral tram was also 9 years ago in July. I gained so much weight over the past 9 years I finally decided I had to do something about it. I won 6 weeks of training in a Facebook contest and started this week. I had already lost 11 pounds on my own. Today as I lay on the floor unable to do even one leg lift I started to feel like an overturned turtle, completely helpless. With no rectus abdominis muscle because of that tram nine years ago, today I felt butchered. The DIEP was new then and no surgeons in San Diego were doing it yet. I couldn't travel due to my young children, so 2 weeks after dx I had the surgery. Why didn't someone give me a Xanax or at least a margarita and let me think more clearly about this surgery. I knew what it was, I knew what would happen and I knew the repercussions but freaked-out-me over having no breasts went for it. For a few years it was great to have those perking breasts and flat stomach but that is over now. The breasts are sagging and are more like a uni-boob and skin is folding over under my arms. My stomach bulges out and don't even get me started on the enormous pubic mound that resulted from the tummy tuck. There is nothing I can do now. When I started crying in the training session today no one could have known what or why it was happening. The trainer knew my history but she had never been faced with someone without a rectus abdominis before she had no idea I could not lift my legs even an inch off the ground from a laying position. So here I am feeling sorry for myself when I should be happy I am alive. Bad day so I came here to an old familiar place. Thanks for reading my story.