I wont be with you b/c of weight gain ?????
Ok...Im devasted right now. My bf has supported me since dx in July of 2014. Well, Im driving him to work this morning and he he yells at me and tells me he wont be with a "fat girl" !! I was 134 in December and since starting arimidek Ive gained 30 pounds despite completely changing my diet and adopting a a daily exercise routine ( no junk, except occasional choc chip cookie). Ive been with him for five years..and ladies its getting tougher to be with him. I am so depressed b/c of him and his cruelty. Yes, I know what ya'll are going to say but leaving him is not an option right now. Any suggestions PLEASE would really help...how do I deal with this until Im ready to get beck on my feet and leave ??????? Anyone else in this situation ?????
Comments
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So sorry, ganz, that you have to deal with this. I haven't been in your shoes, exactly, but I have been in the position of not being able to leave a relationship that had died. You just get through the bad times as best you can, and put the best face on it, while turning to friends for the emotional support you need. Take this time now to look around you. Ask yourself "who can I count on?" Reach out to them. One day, you might, like I did, find yourself picking up the phone and saying, "I can't take one more day of this. Can I come stay with you?"
In the meantime, remind yourself that you would never say the things he is saying to you, and that makes you the better person! Do NOT let the fat-shaming take away your self-respect. He is the one who is behaving badly. You are getting through a devastating illness.
(Oh, and - how rude is it to yell at the person who is giving you a ride? What if you had pulled over to the side of the road and said, "Get out of my car" ???)
Good luck, GG, and let us know what happens. I'm pulling for you. You can do this.
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Sorry you have to go through this but it's obvious what's happening. You need to start making your get away plan. I know you're not in a position right now but consider what happened this morning as a "heads up" as to whats coming down the road. You might want to look into low carb diets. I lost over 30 lbs in 6 months and I'm on arimidex and over 50. Just a suggestion, since I wish I were your weight. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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2timer..thank you for your reply and encouragement. I wish I could talk to someone on here about other issues Im having with him who may be going thru something similar.....sigh
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Hi Ganz,
So sorry you are going through this now. I know you can't leave now but from the sound of it he is emotionally belittling you which is a form of domestic violence. I concur with the other posters to start planning ahead. I suggest if you have other issues concerning the relationship you might want to call a legit Domestic Violence hot line with people who are trained and can offer some concrete help. There are several in the Boston area. They often give assistance guiding women through the planning process of getting out of an abusive relationship. It may not happen overnight but you can plan. Here are some links.
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing!
http://www.janedoe.org/find_help/for_victims_and_survivors_of_domestic_violence
Pat
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From someone who has been there, some men are just "broken" and no amount of love is going to fix them. Stop blaming yourself ( I know you do, even if you don't say it.) Realize you deserve better but will never get it if you accept less. Figure out an exit plan. If he died tomorrow you would have no choice but to figure out how to move on. So make him figuratively "dead" to you.
Good luck to you.
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Sorry you are going through this. BTW, there have been other threads on these type of relationship issues, but further down. It's been awhile since I've read them, maybe down below under DAY TO DAY, the forum on Relationship Matters. Yes, unfortunately, some relationships change and end after BC. I separated from my husband two years after I completed Tx and we divorced last year. Not what I thought would happen but for me, it was the right choice. Though we had some good times in the past, I'm glad I'm where I'm at now. The whole separate and divorce began to feel like a tunnel and my goal was to get through it to the other side. Step by step, day by day, I made and if this is your choice, you can make it too.
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"Love is only Love IF it is returned".For whatever his insecurities are - they are - HIS!
" his cruelity" - is not going to get better - it will esculate. He knows he can.
Emotional abuse can be more invidious than physical abuse - there can be a VERY fine line between.
Why can't he drive himself to work?
IF you don't feel you have options to leave him, what options do you have if HE kicks you out?
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Everything a person says and does is about them and not about you. I ask myself, what is he telling you about the issues he has with himself?
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I can only second what everyone else has said. This is emotional abuse, this is his problem, put yourself first, period! I too have been there, though before bc. Start right now and figure out a plan, protect your financial,assets. The process of getting divesting yourself of an abusive partner is is not easy or pretty, but finding yourself and knowing your self worth is the reward. I am thrilled to be going through bc with people who truly love and value me. You deserve it, we all,deserve it.,wishing you the best.
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How did you stop yourself from just popping him right in the face? My husband would never say those mean things to me, and yes, I have gained a bunch of weight too, but if he ever did, I would smack him right in the face!
No words of wisdom, but smacking him a good one might help
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I know several women who were in your shoes. They couldn't leave right away either. Thing is both of them were already planning to move before their BC DX. I also know one who divorced during her treatment. They were all blessed with family snd friends help so when the time came they did have places to go. Hopefully you do too even if it's only temporary. The last thing you need is his crap so tune him out as much as you can. Find a support group too.
Good luck.
Diane
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Again thank you so much ladies I feel cared for genuinely for the first time in idk how long maybe since I was a teenager so these reply's mean so much to me. xoxox
I do have a plan..but I have to stick this out until the end of October..maybe as late as Christmas. See, I am waiting for a hearing to be approved ssdi benefits until I get everything straightened out and my health is back to normal, or atleast near normal. My attorney called a few days ago and said it would be retroactive back to 10/2013 ! So my plan will happen just hope this goes by quickly
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No thanks needed. Many of us have been in similar situations, some before bc, some during tx and some after. You deserve better, even if that means being without a partner. Thinking of you.
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i hate the weight gain and my puffed up face.
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Reading through these responses have made me feel better. I think I've been too hard on myself. We all have been through the wringer from this disease. So good to have your support.
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Meow13..I agree about the weight gain. My face didn't puff up but it do go right to me stomach and thighs. Ive been thin all my life never weighing over 135 (Im 5'6") and now Im ashamed of my weight which is at 164. My eating habits have not changed. Since I was a teenager, I never ate breakfast or lunch, just wasn't ever hungry, so I ate one GOOD meal a day and a few snacks at night. Over the past few months Ive changed the things I eat..my fridge is FULL of my favorite fruits..barely any junk food in the house and I cut down my soda consumption to one ginger ale a day. I never ever used to drink water, just hated the way it tasted, but now WOW I cant get enough of it..all of a sudden I love it !!! As long as it is ICE COLD. I also started a mv, vit d3, calcium and a B complex...I don't feel any better yet as far as feeling sluggish and exhausted all the time. I also walk at a pretty fast pace for 45 minutes 4 to 5 times a walk. I do sit ups but cant really do anything else. My point it is...WHY AM I STILL GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT LOSING AND FEELING BETTER ???????
I think I may have started this post in the wrong section but now Im happy about that because I feel like people are listening to me and HEARING me finally. I guess I hold a lot in so people don't know whats going on unless I tell them, and I don't tell many people. But I felt more comfortable here.
Over the weekend I was driving his Hummer on the highway, well..something flew out of a dump truck thing that was in front of me and hit my windshield with my daughter and my niece in the car. Everyone was ok tg ! But I was sooooo scared to go home and tell him what happened. My kids have NEVER seen or heard us fight and I didn't want Sunday to be that day. So when I got home I sent the kids over to the play ground behind my house. And he went OFF on me. Saying stuff like " Look at you, your so fat that no one would want you nor would anyone want to see you naked" . He called me a druggie because Im on so much medicine right now for different health issues...I cry as I write this...He is not the father of my children but for the last five years, he was AWESOME with them. My daughter worshipped the ground he walked on because she found him to be hilarious (he is a very funny guy) and he seemed to fill a whole that I don't think her own dad filled. He screamed thru a closed door, kids were in my dining room, I DONT GIVE A F*CK ABOUT THOSE KIDS THEY ARE NOT MINE...my daughter and niece heard this. I could go on and on here but my eyes hurt from crying.
Oh and Im going back in for more surgery on the 17th
Im so stressed out and sick over all this. I feel so stuck
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Hi Ganz, I wish there was something I could say to make this better but just know I am thinking of you and praying for you.Pat
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Dear ganz,
It sounds like your man is good as long as there is little stress. But add breast cancer and weight gain and he falls apart. It's up to him to find the strength and character to be a man and right now he's just a little boy having a tantrum. If you don't see him getting with the program, it's going to be necessary to leave him behind. Otherwise you'll be the punching bag for his frustrations. So sorry, but we've all gone through it I think when we realize that a guy is good for the good times, but not for the bad times.
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I know you say you can't leave him now, but hurting your children is crossing a line that you should never tolerate. That kind of verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse and to aim it at children is inexcusable.
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One of the reasons we still gain weight despite a genuinely good diet can be because the liver is under strain. When it cannot filter out toxins, especially after a period of time of huge demands on it, then it dumps in fat, if not enough fat it has to make it.......low carb, high plant based diet and liver support (natural) will most likely be more effective than diets or exercise..............
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As exbrnxgrl mentioned, verbal abuse is as powerful as physical abuse. For kids living in a situation where this goes on can affect them for the rest of their lives. I know from experience. I don't mean to add to your stress but please understand the ramifications of staying in this situation. I'm also concerned for your safety.
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lily55, the real issue here is not weight at all, but a very, very harmful situation for ganzagirl and her children. I too have seen first hand what this does to children and it can have life long consequences.
Ganzagirl, I am worried for you too.
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Really hard when kids get attached. I'd love to slap this guy upside the head. I can't understand why he'd take his problems out on your kids truly a first class jerk. I hope you and your kids find the happy family life you guys deserve. Prays for you, I'll be thinking good thoughts on the 17th. Heal and be happy.
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