PTSD - anyone had this diagnosis during or after cancer?

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  • Rachel1
    Rachel1 Member Posts: 363
    edited May 2015

    I have been dx with PTSD and I am 5 years out. It isn't a problem for me at work as this is the one place I can sometimes just be me all caught up in teaching and working with kids. I love that. However, when I'm not in that zone, I'm a worrier. Hence, I am here on the boards looking for something -- answers, support, I don't know what anymore. At almost 5 yrs. out, I'm still live with so much fear. Every ache and pain torments me. The time of year, a new person dx, everything, weighs on my mind. I'm on antidepressants, have RX for xanax and attivan, see my psychiatrist once or twice a week (she thinks 2x/wk is best because the PTSD is so bad). Has anything improved -- perhaps minimally. It's sheer hell katygrey. It's awesome to see Kicks response above. She's kicking butt!!

    xo to you.

    Rachel

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  • ahdjdbcjdjdbkf
    ahdjdbcjdjdbkf Member Posts: 645
    edited May 2015

    Well, I did go to yoga and back a couple of more times too. While I am really struggling right now - haven't weighed this much or had to buy this size of clothes in about 8 years - I am doing what I have to do to honor and take care of myself a bit more than I was a couple of weeks ago. Suffering in skin tight clothes and not breathing isn't going to get my life back on track. I think I'm taking this whole wardrobe thing in a new direction of less body conscious clothes anyway. It makes me insane! I'm going the yoga lifestyle route of loose pants and drawstring pants and stuff - but nice ones that I like. I'm grateful I have some credit cards and can get a few things. I'm grateful I have a tax refund coming that will really help me out through this situation. I'm trying to adapt and make some positive changes to just accept a bit. I wasn't able to do this a week ago. I'm trying to not hate my situation but instead be in it and make the best of it I can. My boyfriend has been really loving to me about my body situation lately. He is a hardcore pro-level athlete - rock hard with an 8-pack. We both used to be like that. Now I'm looking a lot rounder, flabbier, and older. However I am working on refraining to use bad words to describe myself right now. I have my 6-month Oncologist appointment this Thursday. I'm hoping for good blood counts and that those blood counts will give me some hope and a boost to keep living the best I can as I am now and moving towards the future with some self-love instead of self-hate.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2015

    Mariasnow, that is a good plan. I'm struggling with the same body issues myself...sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror or won't turn the light on. But yesterday I went to bikram, and then walked, and the day before that I went to the gym and hiked for an hour. I just spent two hours in the sun just now with my dog and husband (okay, we were weeding, but it was pleasant) and that was two hours I didn't have many negative thoughts about myself. Good luck. There are others out there just like you--me! And knowing that someone else is having the same struggles makes me feel more normal, and therefore a bit more loving toward myself today.

    Claire

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2015

    PS and I just found a lovely skirt at Nordstrom for $26 that is loose, flowing, long, hides my legs and makes my waist look small (and it's stretchy and comfortable). So I get what you are saying about clothes, Mariasnow, too

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  • katiegrey
    katiegrey Member Posts: 79
    edited May 2015

    image


    Thanks so much for your insight, ladies. I feel so sad for those of you who are still in the dark place (like me), and admire those of you who keep busy with the little things and are able to live in each moment. I decided to spend last weekend like this and it was heaven!


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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited May 2015

    I like your kayak! Especially the color. I/We are planning on trying kayaking this summer. Can rent them cor the weekend from MWR at the Base quite 'inexpensively' (read - cheap ). We fly fish and a kayak seems like a better idea than an inflatable float as more options of what we can do with.

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  • shelleym1
    shelleym1 Member Posts: 298
    edited May 2015

    I know there hasn't been a post here in a few days but I'm glad I found this. I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I truly feel I have it. I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Does anyone have days where you feel okay and days where you just feel hopeless? In my mind I'm already dead, it's just a matter of when it comes back. Really sad way to live.

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  • katiegrey
    katiegrey Member Posts: 79
    edited May 2015

    shelleym1 - I know exactly what you mean - it's like you do everything you're supposed to, and there's still this black cloud of recurrence hanging over our heads. I belong to a breast cancer support group offered through my hospital. There are women in the group who had breast cancer 8-10 years ago and they still feel anxious every time they have a dr's appointment or anything that reminds them of their experience. My 1-year anniversary was on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be a happy time, but I was just sad all day

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  • Karlax215
    Karlax215 Member Posts: 4
    edited May 2015

    I'm 21 years old and noticed this bump in my boob. Is it normal or can it be cancer? The bump is under my nipple.

    Edited to remove photo.

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  • Karlax215
    Karlax215 Member Posts: 4
    edited May 2015

    do u think I'm ok or sick?

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  • shelleym1
    shelleym1 Member Posts: 298
    edited May 2015

    Katie congrats on your 1 year anniversary even though you weren't feeling it. My 1 year will be December 1st 2015. It was a horrible Christmas for me. I hope this year will be somewhat Better.

    Karla I would have a doctor look at that.

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  • Karlax215
    Karlax215 Member Posts: 4
    edited May 2015

    I don't have insurance. And I'm to ashame to tell my mom. Idk if I should be worried or not.

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  • shelleym1
    shelleym1 Member Posts: 298
    edited May 2015

    I'm sure there is a free clinic in your area?

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  • Karlax215
    Karlax215 Member Posts: 4
    edited May 2015

    I will look into it. Do u think I should be concerned?

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2015

    Hi Karlax215, and welcome to BCO. We deleted your photo as we do not want to promote diagnosing based on photos. While it is unlikely to be anything of concern, you may want to check in with a doctor to ease your worries.

    We're here for you!

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited May 2015

    Karla,

    Call around locally, planned parenthood, ladies medical centers. There are programs for free mammos. That is what the Susan B. Komen thing is about, awareness & free mammos.

    Odds are it is nothing. At your age that is not unusual, to have bumps, pain, itchiness. But, never ignore changes, be proactive with your health.

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  • TaniaE
    TaniaE Member Posts: 92
    edited May 2015
    Booked my first mammogram since surgery today and really hate the thought of going. The last mammo I had was the one that found the cancer. It's an experience you never forget, hearing those dreaded words. Karlax if in doubt it's always best to get it checked out, it could be a number of things.
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  • LilacBlue
    LilacBlue Member Posts: 1,636
    edited May 2015

    Katiegrey your kayak is fab - you look at peace on the water and kayaking is in on my list of sports to try. TaniaE, holding faith that all will be healthy and well for you mammo outcome. Karla, taking care of yourself is the action needed - go have your breast looked at by a doctor - now.

    Does anyone come out the the eye of breast cancer treatment needle unschathed? We were minding our own business and BAM! We were broadsided by a diagnosis that most of us had not given much thought to in first person. Our bodies change inside and out, our minds increase at a speedy rate with new information, as a result of awareness, advice and rational discussions and our spirits delve into fear of uncertainty.

    Therapy (EMDR) helped me most in the short term as has time, being patient with myself while moving through the passage of time, further from the shock of initial diagnosis, and being physically active on a consistent basis. I also read our stage IV women, in how they cope, manage and find meaning in day-to-day living - understanding living life to it's full extent, in the "now". I intellectually understand the fear of having a diagnosis of a stage III or IV including, HER2+.

    My truth, I had a stage 1b HER2- no node involvement starting diagnosis - my cancer removed via surgery - that for 3 years now has not morphed into anything-nothing. My so far 3 yearly mammos have been clean and clear, even with flecks of calcification in my healthy right breast. I tell my magnifying mind to live the truth, not the false, negative stories it so readily want's to cling to. I'm still coming to terms - the aftermath, as stated on another thread, still can't show my left breast in the gym changing room and no one is standing in front of me and staring at my scared reconstruction. My body dysmorphic issues are lessening - over time as I live who I am a now.

    Maria spoke to me with this: ...keep living the best I can as I am now and moving towards the future with some self-love instead of self-hate.

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  • ahdjdbcjdjdbkf
    ahdjdbcjdjdbkf Member Posts: 645
    edited May 2015

    Unfortunately, my LD doesn't seem like others who have been able to knock it back. I've been to numerous doctors and the most highly certified lymphedema therapists. I'm not me anymore. It is Friday night and I'm on the laptop in the pitch dark with my arm in a big lymphedema wrap. I have lost interest in attempting to participate in life in this state. I accept others are more brave than me and this is how I am.

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  • ahdjdbcjdjdbkf
    ahdjdbcjdjdbkf Member Posts: 645
    edited May 2015

    I've gained 20 lbs. since this cute avatar. I don't have the heart to change it. I used to like who I was but it has been a long time now that I can barely face myself in the t morning, despise what I see in the mirror, and all the platitudes of things being better in the future are no longer anything I believe in. I'm about to go remove anything hopeful from my Facebook history. I no longer believe. The dark side won. I cared for a while that was the case. I now no longer care.

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  • katcar0001
    katcar0001 Member Posts: 621
    edited May 2015

    Maria, I so wish I had something to say to you to make you feel better. I just wanted to let you know that you have a friend here, and I am sure many more on the boards.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited May 2015

    Hi Maria - I'm sorry you are feeling blue. No great words of wisdom here - meds and counseling helped me feel better. I recently went through a down patch and the ladies here lifted me up along with an increase in effexor and I'm feeling much better.

    Why are we so hard on ourselves with regard to body image? Would we treat our daughters the way we treat ourselves? No way! We would never allow it.

    You are perfectly and wonderfully made. Look deeper at that mirror image - into the eyes of that amazing, resilient, courageous, generous, compassionate woman looking back at you. Bobogirl wrote something that I keep in my self love toolkit - " You are enough".

    Try to find one thing to do today that makes you feel good today. Mariasnow you are enough right here right now. Big bear hug to you

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  • wintersocks
    wintersocks Member Posts: 922
    edited May 2015

    Mariasnow,

    Your sadness, gave me permission to acknowledge how I feel too, and I share much of the same feelings. I so wish that we and others who feel this could change it. I do believe that meds and retreating into myself are the only way I can exist, right now.

    I thank you for your honestly, I want you to know it did make me feel better.

    That's all.

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  • U4iachic
    U4iachic Member Posts: 84
    edited May 2015

    I'm hoping I can post this here, I just feel helpless. I thought I was getting my emotions in check. I just can't even begin to describe this feeling.......

    I found a small knot beside my expanded near my arm pit. I called my surgeon, she said lots of lumps and bumps after a mastectomy are not uncommon. Also could be my expander. Radiation Onco felt it yesterday and he said he wasn't worried. Especially since that is the area getting radiation. I found it putting my lotion on for burns. I see surgeon on Tuesday to have her look at it. What do you all think would be the odds of me having a local recurrence after 1. After a masectomy, 2. just finishing chemo a month and a half ago and 3. currently in radiation? Any encouragement would be appreciated. Prayers anything please......

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited May 2015

    I believe that the odds are in your favor that it is nothing. You've had the mx, chemo, radiation, plus two docs believe it to be nothing. If I were a betting person I'd bet that you are just fine. Try not to go there. You have been through so much in a mere six month period, I'm sure your nerves are raw. Crossing my fingers and toes for nothing but B9!

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  • U4iachic
    U4iachic Member Posts: 84
    edited May 2015

    Thank you so much for responding, I appreciate it. Thank you also for the well wishes. I just want off this ride.......

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  • artsee
    artsee Member Posts: 1,576
    edited May 2015

    U4iachick...it's not unusual to develope scar tissue in those areas. It's amazing how it can appear in just a few months. It happened to me, and my Dr. Kept reasurring me it was just scar tissue.

    However about three weeks ago I noticed a change. (I am 7 years out) it put me back into such a scary place again. So I know how you all feel. I have looked over my shoulder every day for 7 years because I don't trust cancer. I only hope I'm as fortunate as some of you that have been cancer free for such a long time. But when your make up is ' the worrying kind', I don't know how much of any distraction will change it. I hate it. I wish I was carefree and could forget what I've been through , but it hard. Everyone I know personally is so happy go lucky that it amazes me. I freak out 2 weeks before mamo sand labs.

    By the way the biopsy I had 2 weeks ago and that everyone thought was a recurrence, turned out to me fat necrosis caused by radiation and breast surgery. I am so very thankful but now it will take me a while to pick myself up off the floor again. Ugh !

    I pray that we can all get ourselves into a better place.........


    Hugs, Artsee

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  • maidentiredofwaiting
    maidentiredofwaiting Member Posts: 155
    edited June 2015

    Mariasnow, your posts brought tears to my eyes as I have felt the same. One day I even wondered why I fought cancer in the first place. Some days are such a struggle. I have Prozac but that doesn't fix things. Things that keep me hanging on are enjoying nature, reading good books, watching silly YouTube videos and spending time with my best friend who doesn't judge me. I'm not working right now and it's hurting us financially but I have panic attacks thinking about trying to find a job when I look like this and am so forgetful. I'm still in treatment too. Who would hire me? It's very stressful worrying all the time. I wish there was a magic pill to make it all better. Just breathe and take baby steps as this won't last forever. Hugs to you!

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  • katiegrey
    katiegrey Member Posts: 79
    edited June 2015

    Mariasnow - I wish I could wrap my arms around you right now. I remember looking at myself in the mirror after my mastectomy - it took me a week to work up the nerve to look at the scars. I was also bald because I had chemo first, and those awful drains made me feel like a prisoner of my own body. All I could think is "my life will never be the same, and may even be over if my cancer comes back." I still hate the way my breasts look - the scars haven't faded and its a constant reminder of the worst ordeal of my life, not to mention the hormone therapy that makes my bones feel like they're breaking. Please don't let the dark side win.I'm wishing you peace and we are all here for you.

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  • macb04
    macb04 Member Posts: 1,433
    edited June 2015

    Hi

    I think that I too have PTSD about a lot of things. I am now afraid of needles. The surgeon, david byrd at SCCA, who put in the port I had put it in really crooked, only one person in the entire building could access it first time, every time. So every week for 5 months when I got chemo at SCCA they would stab me with needles 2 or 3 times per visit. Recently I had to have a root canal, and although my dentist was really gentle I was miserable, crying silently with the tears running down my cheeks with my mouth open while they were drilling away.

    I had taken tamoxifen for 9 months, but I hated it, was making me a moody lunatic. TAMOXIFEN DEPLETES TRYPTOPHAN,!!!! Look it up, it is used for rapid tryptophan depletion in neuropsychiatric research studies. It is even used in a study to treat Bipolar mania.Tryptophan is a precursor of Serotonin and Melatonin, if you still want to take tamoxifen, or an AI then try 5 HTP or L-tryptophan and Melatonin, they are safe together. Double check about taking 5htp or tryptophan with any antidepressants or anti anxiety meds. A good antianxiety med is called "calmAid". It's active ingredient is called Silexan, which is a gelcap that contains a special concentrate of Lavender oil. It has been studied in Germany in a head to head comparison with Benzodiazepines like Xanax or Valium, and was found to equivalent without toxic side effects. Can buy it over the counter at most Vitamin Shoppes, Super supplements or online for less. Only side effect I noted was lavender tasting burps.

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