Starting Chemo March 2015

Oh Theresa, I'm so sorry. Sometimes it's the unexpected that can set it off.

IndyGal: I was just telling DH how sexy I feel yesterday. I have one boob, a bald head - now featuring some red bumps (and I noticed a dent in the back of what I thought was my nice round head - why did I feel the need to do the 2 mirror trick & look back there....oh, I was checking on the bumps), twitching eye, a dry-skin-reddish-goatee from blowing my nose every 2 seconds (with dried blood fragments - of course) and my crazy looking tongue. Wooooooo Hooooooo!

today the most pitiful woman was at infusion. Crying to another woman who we all happen to know has recurred, and is now stage IV with liver and bone mets. She explained her situation, while saying the first new stage IV infusion drugs have failed so they're trying another.

The woman giving blood was. still. crying, talking about how she's not scared but so tired of it all. Stage IV woman goes for Kleenex and gives the woman a gentle hug who sobs out she lost all her birds last year who were her family due to a lung condition. Had to give them all away and leave her home and live with a friend for 6 months. Still uncontrollable. Still inconsolable. Finally, while the nicest male nurse deals with her port says he understands- his own wife is on her 3rd recurrence, she cries some more. Tears just rolling down her cheeks in overwhelming self pity. Tells stage IV woman she finally thought she had her chance to start anew. Moved to a new town and before she met a single friend, she was dxd BC.

That selfish, self centered woman. How could she not see how much better off she was and how very gracious these strangers were being to her? She really needed to stop.

Trouble is, I couldn't make her.

That pity party hostess was me.

I am so very, very, ashamed.

Katy, you are allowed, don't be so hard on yourself. Every persons breast cancer diagnosis and treatment is unique to them, and nobody else understands the side effects, etc. you are going through.

Give yourself a break. You are a very uplifting and thoughtful person on this forum, and you make me laugh even when I don't want to. That is priceless, and you are a treasure. Nobody is perfect all the time. Who knows, maybe the woman patting me at the store was a stage 4 going through treatment herself, and she was just reaching out to a sister. I'm an asshole for thinking the worst.

Ok, somebody Tell a joke now lol!

Katy - You have no reason to be ashamed. Those people comforted you because they, too, are members of this shitty club and understand.

IndyGal - sorry I'm so late responding! I think my body aches started relatively soon after chemo #3, like within 3 days. It's still there, but not as bad. Still annoying, frustrating, and uncomfortable.

DavisD - I am so sorry about your kitty. I couldn't imagine going through that at a time like this. We're all here for you.

My emotions are definitely out of whack. Had a major meltdown today. I called so many people just to talk, and finally one friend called back and another was texting me - reminding me that it's okay to not be okay - I had cancer and am going through a shit storm of crap. I also need to stop trying to be strong for everyone else and make myself my priority. Something that's really hard for me to do, but now is the time to learn.

My eyelashes and eyebrows are thinning, too. I'm doing cold caps for my hair, and the shedding has slowed but it's still not the same. I can't blow-dry or straighten my hair, so I have a massive frizz ball all the time. I'm grateful to still have hair, but sometimes think maybe I should've just shaved it. I'm mad at cancer for taking away my usual idea of "me". I'm still trying to figure out my new normal, and it's not easy. I don't have to shave anymore, but I do have to lather my whole body in lotion, among other things.

I got home, changed into pajamas, snuggled up with my kitty, ate double stuff oreos for dinner, and watched sex in the city. That was my pity party for the day.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Katy - SO MANY HUGS TO YOU! Don't feel bad for breaking down. You've been so strong for all of us in so many ways, and we are here to be strong for you, too. Everyone's experience is different, but no matter what stage they're at - cancer is cancer and it fucking sucks. There's no sugar coating it. You're allowed to break down. Cry. One of my friends always says "Feel your feelings." Don't apologize for them.

Ugh. I'm sorry so many of us are having such a hard time right now. I look forward to when the worst of this is behind us.

Slothabout - ROFL! I came across it while looking for a cookie charm to post up for Theresa and ended up finding poo - go figure! Here's the link to a plethora of poo! https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheTinyKangaroo/search?s...

Theresa and Katy-I can relate to both of your stories. I had a friend I hadn't seen for awhile bring me soup and a muffin from Panera Bread to my last chemo. I perseverated about eating the muffin or not...all those sugary calories for something I probably couldn't taste anyway. I decided "Go for it" and I dig into the bag only to find the idiots forgot to put the muffin in the bag! I melted down, all I wanted was a frickin muffin and even THAT didn't go well! Seems like I'm always just one little event away from a meltdown. I would home deliver you a dozen cookies Theresa and Katy you so deserve to vent just like the rest of us! You are always so supportive I'm actually proud of you for letting down your guard with someone. It's a sign of good mental health. Sending you both hugs before I leave for work. Slept all night so hopefully no pulling over to nap en route! Talk to you all tonight, have a great day!

Italy chick - I totally get the breakdown over the missing cookie. I would of probably thrown stuff all over my house because of that.

Red poo charm - it's a must have!

I went to a TNBC support group meeting yesterday. It was pretty good with the exception of one girl (there is always one) who would not shut up and made the whole meeting about her. We had to introduce ourselves (name, when DX, stage, where you were in treatment......) This lady took 15 minutes talking about every stinking detail. I know that her doctor called her up at 6 pm to discuss her mammogram, I know exactly where she received all her tests, I know she is Jewish, has ADD, is on Adderall and that her cancer was most likely caused by the generic medicines they made her take. Her dog died of cancer, she referenced her New Testament which told her to get her biopsy on Good Friday....I could go on and on. Needless to say my eyes rolled more than once. The nurse moderator had to tell her to stop talking when others were asking questions. I'm praying she won't come again, but I think she got off on all of us listening to her. One older lady fainted at home after chemo #2 and had open heart surgery the next day. Scary. Now she's back on a different chemo regimen. She's my hero and if she can get through that I can definitely finish my 4th and final AC next Thursday. I am so dreading that final treatment.

On a side note...my husband has been awesome. I went to bed at 7pm last night and he was basically a single parent driving all over for our three children. I am blessed.

You guys are cracking me up. I picture seeing a story on the national news tonight over that cookie. Man, I have been there! I was craving a cookie from Subway so bad a while back, so I drive by on the way home. (They're sweet, and that's about all I can taste.) After an eternity, I couldn't get any help at the window, so I finally got pissed off and stormed away. Later, it turned out that they had a robbery about 20 minutes before I got there. The jerk of the year award went to me, but you still should never come between an emotional woman and her cravings.

I think my nuclear meltdown is going to occur the next time my MO's staff has to ask me if I have traveled to any Ebola-affected countries in the last 21 days. AYFKM? I repeat: AYFKM?!?!

Your cookie was my pizza last Saturday. We had pizza for dinner and then on Saturday my husband left early to go off-roading with some Jeep friends and I stayed home with the kid.

We had a busy day, taekwondo in the morning (for him) and then we headed to our local park -- it's actually a gorgeous greenway (http://www.ascgreenway.org/) one reason why we chose to live where we do. They had their annual Earth Day celebration. We met up with friends, the kiddo got to participate in a recycled instrument show, he made a drum / maraca out of a cardboard box and beans He's usually pretty shy when it comes to participating, he thinks he'll mess up and that people will make fun of him, but he's gotten better about it.

We had lunch there then headed home. Come dinner time, I'm craving a slice of pizza. I keep thinking about the leftovers from the night before. My mouth is anticipating the delicious cheesey greasiness. The pizza is gone! DH took it for his trail ride. Mind you it was a whole medium pie left over!!! I settled for some Mozarella sticks with Marinera sauce that we had left over from Wil's B-day party (frozen that I never got to cook). I was pissed!

Don't mess with a BC's woman's cravings!

On another note, though coffee isn't tasting the same to me, I still drink it outside of my worse days. Without it I'm even worse. I feel soooo much better after my cup of coffee! For my first round I didn't drink any until 3 days later and saw the huge difference and decided not to hold back.

Thank you for sharing Katy. Hope you are not still being hard on yourself.  All this just wears a person down.  I was surprised I had to give up my parrot I've had for 23 years for the duration (advice from the vet). I still find myself saying hello when come home and miss him saying "bye bye" when I leave the house.  But hopefully we will be back together in June.

Today am so tired all I want to do is go back to bed.  (TC on Wed, Neulesta yesterday, today just tired, achy, slight temp, tachycardic and no appetite.  Always nice to run a temp with the weekend coming up...

Yeah because I feel good enough and would trust my almost non-existent immune system in Africa. Please. I get that question all the time too, like SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?

AYFKM = are you fucking kidding me

don't they have a drive thru drug store lol? Where you could get polish remover? Just kidding I guess. I had all three grandkids yesterday, 8 month old, 23 month old and soon to be 4 year old. I had to pick the 4 year old up from pre-school. So clipping multiple kids in and out of car seats three times. I was like, can't I just drive up and you bring him out to me. Ugh! But they were a joy to play with, and totally kept me out of my head, that's for sure.

Katy, how are your fingertip blisters?

Still pissed about the cookie lol.