Lymph node involvement but don't know extent

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Jenga60
Jenga60 Member Posts: 24
edited April 2015 in Surgery - Before, During, and After

*****warning- a lot of negative thoughts****

So I had my BMX 3.5 weeks ago which included sentinel node dissection. The surgeon told me after the surgery that they had to remove all the nodes as the dissection was positive.

This waiting to find out how many nodes is scary!!!

Then I had a Ct scan with contrast and a bone scan last week. Just 5 more days until I get all my results.

What if it has spread ?

As it gets closer to finding out the results from the BMX, dissection and the scans....everything is getting to real!!

Up until now, I've been living through Netflix when I've been by myself and playing with my 1.5 year old daughter when she's not at daycare.

But right now... I can't concentrate on anything but what if it has spread and I won't grow old with my hubby and see my daughter off to school, see her graduate, see her get married, see her start a family.

Then there is the thought of the treatments to come... Will it be chemo, will I loose my hair, how painful will it be, how much will I miss of my little girls life being to tired or sick to play with her? How much extra is going to burden my husband?My mind just goes crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a great life and I'm grateful for all I've been given, I'm just mourning the possibility there might not be much more left.

On the other hand I still have the potential to find out that my life expectancy is still high. Just 5 more days. And this is when I think of those that have already found out the really bad news. And what is going through there mind... Trying to be strong for everyone around them.

Anyways... Thanks for listening... I just had to vent.


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Comments

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited April 2015

    hi Jenga - Sorry about all the bad news. I think we all go to those dark places at first. I literally bawled the whole way through my initial bone and CT scans. The poor tech was beside herself and kept asking me where I was hurting.

    You have a lot of living to do no matter what news the doctor has for you. I think it is really healthy for you to express your worst fears. You might ask your doc for some meds to help with anxiety. Try to take one step at a time. It is a terrifying diagnosis. We're here for you and you are not alone

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  • inks
    inks Member Posts: 746
    edited April 2015

    The feelings you have are normal. It's hard to wait for pathology or test results. Try to think that the cancer is no longer in your body. My daughter was also 18 months when I was DXd and my biggest fear was that I would not see her grow up. She is 3yo now and we will see her dance at her first dance recital before mother's day. You can't change the fact that cancer was found in your nodes but you will be in charge from here on. Hugs!

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  • Oncearunneralwaysarunner
    Oncearunneralwaysarunner Member Posts: 252
    edited April 2015

    Hi Jenga,

    It's hard to not go to those places until you have all of the results. And it's completely ok to feel the way you feel. I had those thoughts too.

    I too had lymph node involvement. We knew that going into treatment since it was caught on the ultrasound and was biopsied at the same time as the lump. By the time I saw the MO, he could feel a bunch of lymph nodes in my armpit. I had neo-adjuvently chemo so I don't know for sure if it had spread to the nodes that could be felt since I had a complete response to chemo. Similarly to you, I had a young child at home. My daughter was 2 and a half when I was diagnosed. Here's how things went for me, hopefully it will give you a bit of hope.

    After the scans, we found out it had not spread beyond the axilla. I'll admit that chemo sucked and that there were days where I slept most of the day. Those were days that we watched movies or read books with the kiddo. I noticed you mentioned that your little one was in day-care. Mine was too and we kept her in day-care during my treatment. One it gave her some structure and routine that was the same as before treatment, and two, it gave me the chance to rest during the day so that home life could be as normal for her as possible. This worked really well for us. You'll still be able to spend time with your little one if you have to do chemo, how you spend that time may change.

    She's four now and we get to go to her second recital this morning. I'm not sure she really remembers that anything was wrong with me, other than I had a boo boo that the doctor had to take out when she sees my scars.

    I know this won't change the outcome of your results but I hope it gives you a bit of peice of mind that things can work out even if you needmore treatment.

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