Starting Chemo March 2015

Katy, (((((HUGS)))))) I hope today is a better day. We all have to have those bad days, and some days you just have to cry and let it all out. There's just too much going on and to process otherwise.

avmom, congrats on getting this last AC done.

I think that is the hardest! Even though you know it is just hair the reality of losing it is so difficult. Like one more thing to have go. Have you found headware that you like? That helps! cute and easy to wear that you can wash http://www.curediva.com/chemotherapy.html check here! Please always remember you are never ever alone xoxoxo

Katy-Im at work but read your post before leaving and couldn't focus without letting you know how special you are to me. You always say the right things to give me hope when I need it most. J watched the same documentary right before my diagnosis and it stirred up a lot of feelings about quality of life and end of life decisions. I recommend watching as well but maybe not while going through this physical/emotional journey. Sending you a big virtual hug and the wish that I could lift you out of the fog. Please remember how important you are to all of us.

thanks everyone- you all said the right things to help make me feel better. It's a new day, I can hear the birds waking up, and I'm going to get up and go to the LGFB. I will report back in.

I think, Sloth, that you are right about things getting so much more real. Yesterday was the first time I really had that longing for my life before bc. I had just barely gotten things in order. Just moved to a new home and was hopeful for new beginnings.

Again, hugs to all of you and thanks for being there.

Katy

Katy, there is such a huge let down when friends and family leave that you almost feel like a piece of you has died. But it HASN'T! You are just as alive today as you were yesterday...you might just have tI remind yourself if that - but it's true!

Hugs...Bekah

Jackie,

I do not start chemo for a few weeks yet, but have been reading this board. NOT looking forward to it. I, like you, live alone. My sister, from Oregon is coming for a couple weeks, but, then, she will leave. The days are long now....I can only imagine going through chemo. Do you drive yourself? I am really worried. However, I have read all your posts and you have done great. Yes, SE and a horrible rash, but you are still moving through it. Hang in there. There are many wonderful, supportive women on this site. You are alone, but really not alone. Anytime you need someone, just log on. I know it is not the same as a big hug in person or a hand to hold, but we are all here to support you. You are loved and you are strong and there will be an end to this. I am trying to tell myself this too, but I know how difficult it is. Why us?

Lynn

Hi mysunshine, I live alone and I am 58 but all of this is doable. Just prepare and you will be fine. I not only drove to chemo, I worked during chemo. Not fun, but I did it. You have a few weeks to get ready, pack a chemo bag, and just be in it to win it. The positive attitude does help alot being alone. And everyone here will help you come out the other side. What is your treatment plan? Let me know if I can help! Cheryl

thank you for your support slbc. I know we will enjoy getting to know you better. Sorry we have to meet this way.

MySunsine- you are a dear. Thanks so much for the support. I was feeling quite the victim yesterday. I do drive myself to spa days and blood draws with no problem. I did have my bestie go with me the first time and that helped so much. I'm glad your sister is coming. Will she be there for your first infusion?

And regarding living alone. What a diverse group we have here. Women living alone, married women with supportive husbands, women with not so supportive husbands or partners. Women with young children. Women with lots of young children. It boggles my mind. In the true sense of "the devil you know vs. the devil you dont", I would not trade away my living "alone-ness". It does allow me complete flexibility, the ability to be totally self-focussed, and not to have to care for anyone else's physical needs. Or any other needs. The trade- offs are obvious.

However, I have come to the conclusion that although very different experiences, our suffering is equivalent. It's all a shit sandwich. Different meat, different bread. But a shit sandwich just the same.

You are so pro-active in reading and preparing yourself and making friends in all the right places, that I have a feeling you will do very, very well. And when you falter, we will be here. Right here

Trvler- you definitely have the cajones to pull off commando at jazzersize. I think you should keep going.

"F" thems who canst take thy joke

Trvler,

I agree with Katy. F them. I have a couple skull caps that I got from Dicks and Cabelas. They aren't "cancer caps" but they hold onto a bald head. You can wear them multiple ways with hair and without hair. I wore them all the time before I lost my hair.

I quit going to the gym because I kept getting sick. Even wiping down the equipment didn't help. It pisses me off because I miss it. It was my alone/me time (I'm good a tuning the rest of the world out).

My husband and I were talking about head wraps vs wigs. We both agree that (my) head wraps scream cancer. I love my head wraps as they are so comfy and sometimes I want to scream "I have cancer!" For example I went to get make-up at Ulta on Sat and I wore my wig. I wish I had worn the head wrap because maybe, just maybe I would have gotten better service. I had questions about fake eyelashes and foundation and I'm standing there waiting and waiting for some chick having the lady search for tinted lip balm. All I could think of is "this is your big problem....tinted lip balm, your hogging up the one sales associate and searching the internet for a color of tinted lip balm". I had to walk away and find another associate who was really bitchy to me. She told me to get eyelash extensions. LOL, I might not have eyelashes in a month. #sigh.

Ninja: I used to go to Lifetme and I got sick about every time, too, which is one of the reason that I quit. The stuff must be in the air or something. I have had much better luck with Jazzercise. Maybe I will go….if I feel up to it.

Hi Diane, thanks for asking. Yep, bike ride/hike/walk this weekend, and tons of Easter egg hunting fun with the grandkids. All is still going well. Surprisingly well.

Surprisingly, my most emotional moment so far since diagnosis came on Sunday. I went to my daughter's neighborhood for a group Easter egg hunt. She lives on a cul de sac with mostly 30 somethings with small children. Nearly everybody in her neighborhood came up and hugged me, offered support, told me how great I looked, then said you aren't alone, my mother/mother-in-law/aunt went through it too. One of them cried when she talked to me, which almost made me cry. It was the closest I have come to tears. They didn't try to tell me any horror stories, etc. Just wanted to let me know it happens to lots of women and I am not alone.

So far my best support has come from the most unlikely places - my co-worker, Cheryl, that I ride bikes with. She has been to everything with me, wig shopping, etc. And is there no matter how much or little I can work out. And said if we have a day where all we can do is go have a donut and coffee and walk around the block, I'm okay with that too. My boss Ben who I have know for 28 years - he started riding with us once or twice a week as his way of showing me support. And now this support from my daughter's young neighbors. And my closest friend of 8 years? Two chats and one coffee since December. Go figure. And my family and mom in Chicago? I am just a source of gossip, etc. for them. My mom got mad at me because I told her quit telling people my "story", it is my story to share with if I want to, not yours and I need you to be there for me as my mother, not to gossip about me. Her response? You are being mean to me, I don't let anybody be mean to me, so I don't want to talk to you anymore. And she hung up on me.

My 55 or so cousins in the Chicago area, and my 5 aunts and uncles? Not one word, email, chat, phone call, nothing. Just enjoying gossiping about me. Oh, wait, an email from one of my aunts saying I hope you get genetic testing done so we can figure out if any other women in our family need to worry. And then she said you are strong, I am sure you will be fine, chemo is so easy now with all the medications they have, it is no big deal. WTF? How about you do it then? How about you worry about future heart damage, secondary cancers, neuropathy, lymphedema?

Anyway, at this point, I am very grateful for strangers/friends, and my husband and kids. They are my support group.

Italy: I am sorry about your family. I am so happy you have supportive people around you.

I start chemo next Friday- the port is going in this Wednesday - 4 weeks of AC 2 weeks apart and then 12 weekly doses of taxol- any advice as to what I can expect from this regime? I am beyond anxious!! All sorts of aches and pains have suddenly developed - I know it's psychological - the mind is a crazy thing!!

Theresa- Glad you are still doing fantastic. Love that your boss has joined you and Cheryl.

It's unthinkable what your Chicago family is doing. And not doing. F them. I just can't process it. Your best friend too. You are handling it well and I admire you more than you could ever know.

Good thing we have such a thing as chosen family. Big hug from your bco sister Kat