Starting Chemo March 2015

Karen,

I totally agree with everything you said. I used to be Superwoman/Amazon woman/Super mom... you name it. No one could do as good as I did. I gave that title up after the last round of chemo. My mother-in-law is having Easter dinner on Sunday and I'm not going. It's the entire family crammed into her 2 bedroom condo. In past years you could wear a bathing suit and still be sweating. I can't do it nor do I want to do it. I'm pulling the cancer card and I don't care. I don't feel like discussing my treatment, how I'm doing listening to how great I look and how strong I am and how I will win this battle. I love my mother-in-law to death. She has fought cancer 2x and is still kicking at 85. When I mentioned to her that I might not make it to my niece's wedding in June she said "sure you will, you'll be fine". Uh...really? Even I don't know that. If chemo is that Thursday there is no way in hell I will be walking around mingling with 200+ people two (2) days later. Nor would I want to.

Eheinrich,

I feel like I spend a majority of my time now reimagining my life and resetting my priorities. I happen to love my job I've had for 12 years but even a job you love shouldn't muscle out all the other joys we should be experiencing in life. For me, I didn't even realize how over the years I'd become one of those people who doesn't really have a life outside of work. Sometimes I would spend a whole weekend without talking to anyone except my dogs! My diagnosis and surgery required me to ask for help from my friends and they came back into my life with a vengeance and made me realize what I had let go of. I'm not going to let that slip away again.

I still love my job but all the politics and personal dramas between co-workers gets zero energy from me these days. After my diagnosis that immediately became petty and an unimportant waste of precious time and brain space. I also don't work overtime anymore. There's nothing that can't wait till tomorrow in my "new" work ethic.

Something I haven't told anyone, but maybe this group will understand, is as soon as I got my initial diagnosis ( the "it don't look good" call after mammogram) I spent a frenzied weekend cleaning out my garage and basement and every drawer and closet in my house. I made at least 20 trips to Goodwill! I had it stuck in the back of my mind that if I died of cancer I didn't want my friends to have to sort through my cluttered closets and unorganized garage. I got rid of a ton of stuff- it was an extreme reaction to my fear of dying from this but I think it was also the first step in a hard reboot-throwing out anything that might stand in the way of a clear path out or through the process I was about to start.

I live alone so I don't have someone beside me or just in the next room to say "what the hell are you doing now?" Or pull me out of my own head and back into reality, which can be good and bad at different times. I know I'm getting over some of the initial fear that made me throw away so much of my stuff cause I've done a little shopping recently-for the future- because I believe I have one again!

WP : Did you ever say where you lived? I hope you get to go to Bora Bora or Bali someday!

Mary- I love love LOVE your charm bracelet and your choices. Very classy. I started one for my neice (who left an hour ago). She, like me, has never been much for jewelry, but I believe she really loved it. I started her off with a few, and I got so into choosing some for her I bought a matching one for me! Treat yourself, right?

My favorite is I bought 2 matching "peas in a pod" to honor our closeness, different only in they each have a small birthstone added for our respective birthdays.

She left an hour ago. I averted meltdown somehow, was very sad to see her go. But it was such a joy to be around a 21 year old, so full of life, so dang smart! I was totally enriched by the visit. Now I'm in bed on the heating pad, gonna give my baby whites a chance.

Shaz- thanks. I will. I'm pretty tired and think laying low a couple of days will do me good.,sorry you had yet another night of migraine. And potential dangerous bugs circling. One good thing about living alone is I do feel I can control my exposure to bacteria and virus somewhat.

I've woken up with headaches the past several nights. Not migraines, but painful. I tried massaging my own head and neck but ultimately I just get up. It drains. swollen glands, sore throat, fatigue, and an improving rash is what I am feeling, SE wise. I guess the headaches could be sinus, or perhaps clogged lymph system? Who knows. Anyway, good to hear your "voice". Been quiet around here today. Hope everyone is ok.

E- yes, you certainly can do xy and z. And X, Y AND Z. Rooting for you tomorrow to take the wheel in your hands and manhandle that thing! Then softly in for a smooth and controlled landing. You aren't the same girl you were a few months ago. I'm proud of you. Enjoy your lovely place on the water. String together a couple of those beautiful moments that we've all been talking about lately. Live life. xox

Shaz, if you think lying down contributes, have you tried sleeping in a recliner? Just wondering if it would help to keep your head elevated. Just a thought.

Not to mention coconut oil again (Bekah lol, don't go there), but my mouth has tasted terrible. The past four days I have rubbed coconut oil on my gums, tongue, etc., and my taste buds came back two days ago. Of course, then food tasted great and I ate like a pig, now up two pounds. Heck, I will try anything. I totally can't stand the mouth thing.

Katy, I am so glad you had a visitor. Sounds like you had a great time. Visiting with others totally gets me out of my head. I have spent the past three days with my grandkids, and they have kept me thoroughly occupied and out of my head. Love them to pieces. My daughter tried telling my grandson Jack that grandma might not be feeling good and he said grandma is never sick, she can always get me. So of course I had to go get him. Love that boy! And yes, my dog and my grandson are both named Jack lol. We figured since Jack the boy is three, soon to be four, and our dog Jack is 12, sadly he won't be around later in life for too much confusion.

Peaceful, beautiful day and night in San Diego. Happy thoughts to everybody!

Hi everyone! It's late so I won't make all the comments to your posts I thought of as I read...wish we could just type our thoughts as soon as we had them.

My hair was shedding yesterday and today at work after washing my hands, I ran my hand through my short pixie cut and a moderate wad came out and into the sink. I rushed back to my desk and through on a scarf I'd brought just in case. Today was very emotional for me...it's the first time I dared to google prognosis for HER2 positive BC and it really shook me up. I started calculating the years and some crazy thoughts came to me-such as "well now I really will never be a professional athlete or whatever..." silly cause I've never had a desire to be special but when your life isn't threatened you think "some day" anything will be possible. Now I guess I realize how very mortal I am and my time is truly limited. It just made me cry every time I thought about it. Fortunately it's a 45 min communte and the tears were gone by the time I got home. My daughter was waiting to take me out for dinner. We talked and laughed like we can and it was wonderful. I haven't taken off the scarf yet but she offered to buzz me in the morning. I think the hair loss thing just triggered so many feelings but I'm physically feeling better. Just in time for Chemo #2 on Tues.

My MO put me on a higher dose of prednisone (20mg) because I had so much bone and joint pain around day 7 last time. It helped tremendously even though I know it's horrible on your bones, increased risk of infection, etc.

I have been sorting and cleaning since my diagnosis too. I don't want my sister seeing how disorganized I really am!

Good night sisters and thank you for being "out there." Next post won't be all about me.

Diane, I'm HER2+++. I know it's aggressive, but early on I decided to listen to some ladies on these boards telling me to stay away from Dr. Google. I go by what my oncologist told me. I do not remember exact percentage he gave me, but it seemed quite low, my prognosis appears to be pretty good. I had surgery, I am getting chemo and targeted therapy, I will probably be put on Tamoxifen, so we are throwing everything at it available. I'm sure your oncologist is doing the same for you.

As far as mortality goes, I've had similar thoughts to yours, even before my final diagnosis. Nowadays I don't think about it this way. Chemo and side effects keep me occupied enough. And who is to say I don't get killed in a car accident or die of something else before cancer gets to me. Sometimes it's difficult for me to stay in the moment, to enjoy the present and not worry about future. Time after time I catch myself worrying and try to pull myself back to today.

I'm sorry, I'm not very good at cheering people up. I hope you found some peace of mind and that you are doing better today.

Hi everyone

9 days post first chemo and feeling ok now except some tummy troubles. My sister invited me to her cottage for the day and I was excited but declined due to no running water. I have BMs all the time and they require lots of skin cleansing and Desitin as it is so acidic. Between that and the fact that it is only going to be 50 here and once I get cold I never warm up. She said I should try it but I am afraid to get too far from a real bathroom. I think she understood. I really wanted to go with but think I made the right decision for me. This cancer is really isolating in that way. On bright note I started Pilates yesterday and that went really well. Luckily there is a bathroom there! Happy Easter everyone.

Karen- your readers (among others) are very lucky. It is always a pleasure to read your posts, no matter what the topic. You express yourself clearly, with such a good balance of good nature, good humor, and rapier- like wit haha.

I think you are very wise to not allow yourself to be defined by a number. Even if it were very good, I have learned reading these boards that there is no safety in them. You have stayed your course like any excellent captain in a storm (what is it with me and the nautical references, lately? I must be channeling my dear departed father). You have trimmed your sails. Actually I had quite the visual when you mentioned offloading the dead weight.

An old Western film depicted a family moving West in a wagon train. Besieged by Indiams, the elements, and their own awkward selves, they began, finally, to evolve. In a dramatic scene, going up a mountain trail, the beasts pulling this one particular family's wagon simply could not go on. Too much baggage.

They pushed a huge, heavy, and quite unnecessary pianoforte out of the back of their Conestoga and it went down the side of the mountain, the cacophony of the musical elements crashing against each other and the rocks framing the audio. They wouldn't be needing it where they were going.

I know I have, in my musings and life re-imaginings, inventoried the back of my Conestoga wagon. There have been casualties. Those casualties have made way for opportunities.

Thank you to all of my sisters here, who rank among the most valuable of those opportunities. Your friendship, support, and love are priceless and life-sustaining to me.

I hope everyone enjoys a SE minimal weekend.

Wishing us all, fair winds and following seas.

Katy

Checking in. 3rd AC was Thursday and I've pretty much been in bed ever since. Some nausea but really just feel achy and kinda flu-like right now. Fatigue and steroid bloating are the worst of it. I gained 8 lbs in 2 days and I haven't eaten hardly anything. My face looks like the stay puff marshmallow man and my fingers are tight.

I did ask DH to get me out of the house for a few minutes today so he drove me to see the progress he's making on the house we are renovating. It wasn't much but it was nice to get out and then the fatigue came back.

Will report more when I resurface from the chemo fog.

Bekah

Bekah, it's good to hear from you. I hope those flu like symptoms pass soon. Eight pounds seems like a lot of fluid, did you let you MO know? I gained about 4 in a couple days and hadn't hardly eaten anything. I remember they told me to report any unusual weight gains...I will send you special thoughts tonight!

Oh and I did it!

Dianne - you look so amazing and beautiful!

I just had the best 30 minutes with my 13-yr-old DD. She wants to be an adult so badly but she's not ready to let go of being a kid either. She came in to show me her Easter eggs that she dyed with friends, informed me that she would still like an Easter basket - you know with a stuffed bunny, candy, and such (I had already put one together for her) and then we got to talking.

It ended up with me teaching her how to do her own breast exam and I let her feel all of my remaining 'normal' lumps. It opened some really good discussion and was a true bonding moment. Before she walked out of the room she turned, gave me a kiss and said 'you're still beautiful mom...'

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