Starting Chemo March 2015

My husband and son are off to Florida. They said I'll be here at least a day. They have me on antibiotics. They think it may be viral though. My fever is up to 102.6. It's been climbing since I got here but they haven't taken my temp since this am. I have my own thermometer. Shouldn't they be checking?

and Princess Karen: what a wonderful attitude and imagery you have going on for Mr. Lumpy to be LEAVING THE BUILDING.

I hope the door slams him on the a__ on the way out!

Great!

I have done the unimaginable today. Went to Safeway to prepare for my wonderful neice's arrival tomorrow.

She is 20, but doesn't drive. I figured I needed to use my peak energy hour to "provision up". Now I'm a noodle. On the couch with the door open listening to the fountain, seeing an occasional bird, hummer, or flutterbye go by. That's enough for me right now. Fatigued but reasonably content. And not barfing. I am blessed

I am very interested in Mr. Lumpy too now as I am two weeks behind you on the same course with a somewhat similar diagnosis.

Trvlr, Mr. Lumpy...is dramatically smaller. Within days after the first treatment, I thought it might be getting smaller, but was afraid that was just wishful thinking on my part. By my 2nd round appointment, I could tell that area was softening, though, and smaller. Confirmed by my MO too, so not in my head. Now? W-O-W. I don't think I'll be able to feel it there at all after the next round. Considering Mr. Lumpy was a hefty 3cm at the start...It's just amazing. Completely amazing.

I hope you have similar results! Sure puts a spring in my step when I walk into the cancer center -- BYE BYE MR. LUMPY, YOU ARE GOING DOWN

Trvler- just got a very funny visual of you kicking Mr. Lumpy out the door too. You go girl!

Are you feeling ok?????

I feel pretty good, Katy. I was a bit tired today but I have been really lucky so far. I was watching a show last night and the woman had bc (it is everywhere or do you just NOTICE it so much more now?) and the woman said chemo gets worse as you go so that kind of killed my hope a little.

My sister is here visiting because my husband is out of town on business and we had no idea what I would be dealing with. My kids went to their aunt's houses since it is spring break. My sister and I both like to cook so we have been cooking some dishes that we might not otherwise make with the kids around being picky and such. She tried out a new white bean soup recipe last night that was wonderful. She is making a pork ragout today and I made an orange pound cake. I enjoy baking a lot but I rarely do it much anymore. I feel too guilty about eating the sweets.

By the way, anyone planning on catching the Ken Burns PBS documentary about cancer? It starts tomorrow night. It's called the Emperor of All Maladies.

I don't think you should feel shame. You deal with what life gives you. It isn't bad that you didn't pay attention before.

Katy, Jack looks adorable, posing for the photo so nicely. Made me smile, thank you!

SC_Coqui, sorry you're still waiting. I hope they finally fed you. Sending some good thoughts your way. How will you get to Florida to join your family once you're out of the hospital

SC, I hope you are in a room soon and that they get your fever down and pamper you for a day or 2. I hope you are able to get some rest and feel better

Welcome Indigal-Great ladies here!

SCoqui-I'm so sorry you're going through this. My kids are grown so if I were just a tad closer, I'd get in my car and be your freebie advocate! This is BS what you're going through.

Bloody nose all pm. Tired and overwhelmed even though the day was good for the most part. Sleep well all

I don't feel strong or brave or capable of enduring this treatment.

With the exception of 1 or 2 SEs, I'm pretty sure I've experienced all of those that they said "you might experience this...but don't worry, most don't or if they do its mild".

I'm an emotional wreck because I believe the chemo has turned off my ovaries and taken away my friend (turned enemy) estrogen. I've been weepy about everything for over a day. I already have depression and I'm already on meds for it. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal - just weepy.

I am exhausted but can only sleep for a few hours and then I'm up again with some pain or other SE. And my tummy hurts from the pain meds.

I'm bald and getting circles under my eyes and yet people (not you gals) won't stop telling me I'm beautiful. I appreciate the support BUT I DONT FEEL BEAUTIFUL!

I'm tired. I hurt. This still feels surreal and I am still shocked that this is happening to me. I really want to be positive but I just can't find it in me right this minute.

Rant over...going to try to get back to sleep now. Thanks for listening to me whine...

Bekah

Bekah-Sometimes I will read a post and think it was my own, only to realize it was one of you ladies...THAT is how I felt reading your recent post. The only thing giving it away is nobody is telling me I look beautiful besides my two adult kids...that's ok.  YOU on the other hand looked so beautiful in that scarf! It has no bearing on how you FEEL. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and struggling as well.

Diane

Bekah, it's ok to feel discouraged. My SEs haven't been the same as yours, but I think they've been just about as persistent. I'm back in the chair in about 7 hours, and can't sleep from the dread of starting the SE show all over again. Apart from looking quite pale, (and bald, of course, although I can't even seem to do that right - I have a stubborn halo of pale fuzz that won't come out and think I'll look better if it would just FALL OUT, already) people I come in to contact with say I look great. I don't feel great. Most of the time, I can't even really remember or imagine what feeling great would be like. At this point, I'd settle for a day without nausea, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I'm going to have to wait a long time for that day. Ranting here makes it easier to not rant "in real life". I don't use the word hate generally, but I feel considerable malice toward this disgusting disease. In my old life, I was very privileged to be able to support people in crisis, making hard life transitions. In my new, cancer patient life, even the ability to be useful to people has been taken away. I hang on to the notion that someday, this whole adventure will be transformed from something that is overwhelming and ever present, into something that I remember, rather than something I must confront at every moment. I don't think I'll ever look back at this experience fondly, but the fact is that someday, it will be something I look back on, rather than look at right in front of me. It's ok to feel broken, and tired, and just disgusted by it all. I just refuse to believe that it is permanent.

My heart goes out to you. Just hang in there. Early in this journey, when anyone asked me how I was, the best I could come up with was, I breathe in, I breathe out. I think I went about six weeks without sleeping more than 90 minutes in a row

I think it was Michael J. Fox, the Canadian actor who was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease about 20 years ago, who referred to his illness as "the gift that keeps on taking". True, that.

I hope you get some sleep tonight, or if you can't, that you can at least find a place of rest. Gentle hugs.

Oh, Bekah, I'm so sorry you feel so awful! Not just the physical, but the emotional especially. We don't have to be strong all the time, though. That's what all of us are here for, to lend a shoulder or an ear to you and to each other when we're low and weepy and just wish to God we could somehow make this whole horrible disaster S-T-O-P. There is no such thing as "whining" in this group. Could we make that an official rule? Because I honestly wish we'd all wipe that word out of each of our vocabularies. Goodness gracious, how much more of a valid reason do any of us need to feel dreadful, hurt, scared, and blue? If you need to vent or rant, go right ahead. Odds are pretty good I'm going to need to rant/vent at some point too...several points probably. This is a safe place -- for you, for me, for all of us. We're among friends here. Digital hugs are harder to feel, but that doesn't make the caring and concern any less real.

Ehenrich, wow, that view is stunning! So beautiful. And Katy, the pic of your bird...Oh, how I wish our deck was sealed and I could go out on it, even though the temps here are still more than a tad nippy. My woods are starting to wake up for spring, but...Just wish that process would go a little faster. So ready for green and vibrant and alive with the music of nature instead of all this stubborn stark and spindly!

As for me...Day 5 of treatment 2. I don't have the acid/heartburn of last time, but my esophagus still feels stripped and ow, ow, ow. Hasn't made me nauseated or vomit this time, thank God. I wanted to go out today, though. I haven't been out since before I even started chemo. I was just running all over the place from one test and appointment to the next. My BC was so aggressive and growing so fast, they weren't letting grass grow under my feet, which is good, but I didn't have energy for anything beyond that crush of appointments. I wanted to feel good today. I wanted to shop for my kids' Easter baskets (we still give goodies to my grown daughter and her boyfriend too, LOL). I wanted to do something FUN and try, for just a little while, to feel like maybe I was normal. For God's sake, I'm a writer with a fertile imagination -- I can pretend, y'know? Maybe I'll be better at pretending tomorrow, I don't know. Just feeling sad this morning and missing my old life.

I have a question for everybody: Are your family and loved ones watching you like a hawk? Because mine are. They pay attention to what I eat, every wince, how much (or little) I sleep...It's disconcerting. I'm the Mom. I've always been the hawk. Now, I'm living in a whole nest of hawks and can't grab a (sugar-free) popsicle to soothe my stupid esophagus without everyone noticing and taking it as a harbinger of doom. Even my 14 year-old is doing it now. The role reversals make everything feel so strange and surreal.