Terrified for Double Mastectomy on Monday

Hi Scg8,

I am about 2 mos out from BMX. My situation was a little different in that my plan was to have BMX with immediate TUG flap reconstruction. I went into surgery thinking I would come out with newly constructed breasts. Unfortunately, the reconstruction failed. Thankfully, at the same time I was informed about the failed reconstruction, I also learned that the initial pathology from my SNB showed clear nodes. For me, that's what got me through. I kept telling myself if I could only have one thing - clear nodes or successful reconstruction, I would take clear nodes hands down. I will admit the first time I caught a full view of my chest area in the mirror in my hospital room, I lost it and had a full fledged, sobbing, emotional breakdown. Between the swelling, the scabbing and those darned drains, it wasn't pretty and it all just hit me. I will say that was the low point for me and it absolutely has gotten so much better since then. In fact, just yesterday, I cleaned out my old bra drawer and get rid of all my old 34DDs to make room for my new breast forms and 34B mastectomy bras (taking this "opportunity" to downsize as I always felt the girls were a bit too large for my frame!!). I thought it might be an emotional thing for me, but it wasn't at all - just another task to cross off the list. I'm now experimenting with various bras and breast forms to try to find what works best. Just another step in the process.

One thing to consider going into your BMX is whether you think you might consider reconstruction down the road? If you have definitely decided against recon, you may want to talk with your BS about how you want the surgery to be done. Many will leave some excess skin on the assumption that you will want reconstruction at a later time. If you don't want that, you should make sure your BS knows so he/she can remove the extra skin. My surgeon left the extra skin and now I will need to have a second surgery (minor, outpatient) to remove it in order to be flat.

Although we all react differently to the loss of our breasts, please know that for me (and maybe you?), it did get much better after the initial shock. You may find that you go through a bit of a grieving process initially and I think that is perfectly normal.

Best wishes for your surgery on Monday. You'll be in my thoughts.

Hey! I just wanted to stop in and share since I just had my double mast no recon on Monday. It isn't scary at all...you are out cold the whole time lol. And as of now..no real pain. Just a little tight and stiff. The drains are a pain though. My husband made me little camisoles with Kangaroo pouches in the front for the drains...those work since I can wiggle into them without raising my arms. You don't necessarily need the expensive mastectomy camisoles! That said, be prepared the first time you see your incisions. Pop some Xanax and sit down. I have never fainted in my life and I do search and rescue...I hit the floor. But...boobs don't make the woman! Did you ever stuff your training bra? Or wear a padded bra? Women have always modified their sillouetts! You are still you...I promise. We all are. I need encouragement too though...it's super scary. Hope this ramble helps a little...I'm sending you so much good energy!

If you are not having recon familiarizing yourself with what a post BMX chest looks like might help. There are many pictures available on line. It seems that some of us have diagonal incisions & some have horizontal incisions. I intended to ask my surgeon what type of incisions I would have but forgot. I thought knowing would help me prepare. I "peeked" under the bandage a couple of days after I came home from the hospital. I had diagonals, which looked exactly like the pictures on the internet. I knew I could live with it. Sending you good wishes for your upcoming surgery.

I'm not going to tell you boobs dont make you a women for me they didnt yet I chose expanders and am waiting recon as im still in chemo.   Everyone has a difference as to what makes them feel like a women or human.  I regret getting the expanders, wish I would have just left them off.  To me its a mind screw starring at things that almost and may still take me out but I had to make a choice quickly at the time.  My advice to you is if this is really bothering you now it will later even more.  Dont listen to others telling you what to do, only you know what you feel.  I went in at stage 1 came out stage 2 so thats something to think about .  You are getting them removed for a reason.  Im sorry you have to go through this .  

Scg8, how did your surgery go?  and KJSUN prayers for your upcoming one.  My bilateral was the easiest decision for me, and when I woke up, I have to tell you I felt great  I was terrified of surgery, only because I had never been put out before, only surgeries prior to this were my c sections for my kiddos.  I was also blessed with an incredible feeling of calm from the moment I was diagnosed, and I had the best doctors.  I will never forget my ob/gyn told me that if I could calm my mind and try and see things clearly, I would have a moment of clarity like no other, and she was right.  My biggest fear was not being a mommy to my kids anymore and leaving my best friend and husband.  The worst part was the drains, but it was temporary, and the expanders weren't too terrible.  I am not almost two years out, I feel great I can sleep on my stomach still, and I am training for my first tri since before my dx.  You will get through this, just breathe.