diagnosed today. overwhelmed.

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tara_
tara_ Member Posts: 6
edited April 2015 in Just Diagnosed

My radiologist called today. I'm in my mid-40s and have type 2 DCIS and invasive ductal cancer, 1.1 cm tumor in my right breast. I survived recurrent Hodgkin's twice in the mid-90s. I knew I was at high-risk for BC but it is a huge shock. My doc suggested I'm looking at chemo & Tamoxifen as well as surgery, which was a huge shock. I thought we'd cut it out and radiate it and be through. The idea of anything more is devastating to me.

I have surgeon appointment next Tuesday and I don't want to go. I want to think positively so this will go away. I will go though, esp. b/c I've got intermittent, odd pain in my hip. I want to get the facts sooner rather than later, and stage this even if it means invasive surgery to my breast.

I know this sounds crazy buy I am convinced that it is my fault I am sick again. If only I'd used fully green cleaners, always drank filtered water, never ate french fries.... clicked on some "think pink and go green" link and freaked myself out. Unfortunately, (sometimes my husband), and many members of my husband's family are happy to echo this. I feel inadequate and guilty and terrible, like I did this to myself. Am I the only one with these thoughts?!

I'm so very sad. Will tell my husband later tonight and I'm guessing we may tell our little gradeschooler tomorrow.

Do you know of anyone here who is post-Hodgkin's? I'd like to connect, if so.

Thank you for listening, and for being here. Much love and healing to all.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2015

    Hi Tara_

    First, we want to welcome you to our community here at BCO. We're sorry for what brings you here, but we're glad you've joined us, and hope you find it to be a supportive and informative place.

    The days and weeks following diagnosis are so hard, for many of our members. Lots of fear, uncertainty, guilt, blame. You're not the first woman to feel this way, sadly. But please know, there is nothing you did that caused your cancer, just like there was nothing you could have done to keep it from developing. The worst thing about cancer is that is is indiscriminate, and strikes any and everyone. You didn't do this to yourself.

    We have a forum for member's who have been diagnosed with breast cancer and another illness, and there's a thread there for BC After Non-Hodgkin's: https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/142/topic.... It's not a big thread, but there are a few members posting there who you can connect with via private message.

    Please keep us posted on how your appointment goes, you're in our thoughts!

    The Mods

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  • DSW1976
    DSW1976 Member Posts: 118
    edited March 2015

    I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are here and dealing with b/c after all you have been through. Another thing if anyone faults you for this get rid of them. Easier said than done I know but for some reason people think this is open mic night and any opinion is welcomed or cure. Hang in there this is a good place for information. So sorry again.

    Diane

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  • RonnieKay
    RonnieKay Member Posts: 2,067
    edited March 2015

    Tara...the number of women affected by this crappy disease shows it hits a wide spectrum of people...those who have no C in their family...those who have C in their family, those who live & eat green...those who smoke & drink, young...old, people all over the world. Itsca crap shoot! I blamed environment...but why am I the only daughter of 3 & the one in the best physical condition & the only cousin of nearly 100 first cousins? Thankfully, you made it through Hodgkins-twice, sadly & unfairly, that may have given bc a little boost. But...you are alive & you are getting information you need to survive this! Be strong, surround yourself with family, friends & a medical staff who believe you will be healed! Chemo sucks...but its job is to kill cancer cells & it works pretty darn well!!! You can do this...and we'll be here to love & support you, Sister!!!!

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  • tara_
    tara_ Member Posts: 6
    edited March 2015

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write & share your experiences. I'm touched, inspired and grateful I found you all.

    Will write again in AM. Helps to know I can come back here and "see" women who understand. xo

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  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited March 2015

    There is a thread about women who did EVERYTHING perfect. Ate everything they should have, worked out all the time, used every green product on earth….and still got it. I am going to find it for you. People can tell you all day long that they know what caused it. They don't. I hate seeing people beat themselves up that it was THEIR fault they got cancer. It's NOT your fault.

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  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited March 2015

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/58/topic/...

    I hope this makes you feel better and you stop blaming yourself. Frankly, I think all that stuff about diet and products and lack of exercise causing cancer is a big part of those industries attempts to sell you stuff. I am not saying eating better and doing all that might not be good for you. But NO ONE knows for sure what causes it.

    The contractor who did our basement and I were friendly and his wife had cancer 3x so I told him one day when he came by recently. He told me how his wife eats a healthy diet and I pointed out his preference for junk food. He said true, but if he EVER got diagnosed with cancer he would change his diet in a heartbeat. I had to scratch my head on that one. So he is telling me I should completely change my diet but he isn't doing it until he is diagnosed.

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  • CassieCat
    CassieCat Member Posts: 1,257
    edited March 2015

    tara, I remember the early days after being diagnosed as some of the absolute worst. Being on these message boards really helped me, and I hope it will help you too. And I agree with the others - it is not your fault. We don't know why we get breast cancer. I'll do what I can to minimize my risks, but ultimately, I still don't know why I got it or if I'll get it again. Be gentle with yourself. It isn't your fault.

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  • Maureen1
    Maureen1 Member Posts: 614
    edited March 2015

    (((tara))) thought I would share the link to this forum with you…I blamed myself and drove myself crazy wondering "what did I do to cause this" when I got diagnosed. Reading this research puts it in perspective - it's not our fault, it's not something we did…hang in there, we understand…(((hugs))) Maureen

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/73/topic/827312?page=1#post_4260722

    bevin wrote:

    http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/biological-bad-luck-blamed-two-thirds-cancer-cases-n278146

    Plain old bad luck plays a major role in determining who gets cancer and who does not, according to researchers who found that two-thirds of cancer incidence of various types can be blamed on random mutations and not heredity or risky habits like smoking.

    The researchers said on Thursday random DNA mutations accumulating in various parts of the body during ordinary cell division are the prime culprits behind many cancer types. They looked at 31 cancer types and found that 22 of them, including leukemia and pancreatic, bone, testicular, ovarian and brain cancer, could be explained largely by these random mutations — essentially biological bad luck.

    The other nine types, including colorectal cancer, skin cancer known as basal cell carcinoma and smoking-related lung cancer, were more heavily influenced by heredity and environmental factors like risky behavior or exposure to carcinogens. Overall, they attributed 65 percent of cancer incidence to random mutations in genes that can drive cancer growth.

    "When someone gets cancer, immediately people want to know why," said oncologist Dr. Bert Vogelstein of the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, who conducted the study published in the journal Science with Johns Hopkins biomathematician Cristian Tomasetti

    "They like to believe there's a reason. And the real reason in many cases is not because you didn't behave well or were exposed to some bad environmental influence, it's just because that person was unlucky. It's losing the lottery." Tomasetti said harmful mutations occur for "no particular reason other than randomness" as the body's master cells, called stem cells, divide in various tissues

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  • april25
    april25 Member Posts: 772
    edited March 2015

    Maybe you can start a thread looking for other post-Hodgkins folk? That should be easier for people to find.

    Sorry you are in this boat with us. Definitely do not over-think things, like blaming yourself. As others have said, there are people who have lived and eaten perfectly and still get cancer. There are just too many things we really can't control, but we'd like to try... It's just one of the tough things about life that we pretty much have to deal with the lack of control when stuff happens.

    Definitely get all the details of your diagnosis, your path., etc. All that will determine what comes next. Try to focus on the steps as they come along, since at this stage, that can be overwhelming enough!

    I wish you all the best with everything!

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  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited March 2015

    April: Those are good points. I think the one thing cancer has taught me so far is that I CAN'T control everything in my world.

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  • Beachbum1023
    Beachbum1023 Member Posts: 1,417
    edited March 2015

    Hi Trvler, I agree that we can't control the cancer, and that is very frustrating. Since I can't control that large part of my life, I find it necessary to control what I can. So I'm Spring cleaning, purging and pitching, dusting and polishing. That I can control, and I find I have a sense of accomplishing something. It is also giving me a purpose to motivate and get it done since I have a break right now. I just do a certain amount of things per day, and I should get it all done soon.

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  • florida2015
    florida2015 Member Posts: 186
    edited March 2015

    I am glad I read this thread because I am in waiting mode - had lumpectomy, 0.8 size tumor - so very small, anticipating it will be radiation and a drug. However, I am in same place, thinking more like what can I eat now? Do I have to eat just healthy raw foods. I do like a good steak now and then. Even dairy...I love yogurt and was having it daily, also like cheese and cottage cheese. In back of my mind I am thinking did I have too much. I like a cocktail occasionally and wine - do I need to give those up. I have always done most things in moderation.

    Your mind just wanders. I am sort of paralyzed by fear - but a, pushing myself up to get out and go back into gym. Its been 3 weeks since I went there and I am a person that went almost daily. Good luck and know you are not alone in your thoughts.

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  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited March 2015

    Beachbum: I am trying to clean, too but I am in still in quite a bit of pain from my port so I went down in the basement and made the kids clean. :)

    Florida: I think exercise is a great way to boost your mental state in so many ways.

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  • florida2015
    florida2015 Member Posts: 186
    edited March 2015

    thanks Tryvler. It just got out of gym and glad I finally went back in. It did help my mind as well as make me physically feel better. I did baby the left arm. And only worked the right one and then did cardio and leg weight training. Hope wventy I can get back to my regular routine. But plan to try and go daily so I can try and keep my negative thoughts at bay

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  • tara_
    tara_ Member Posts: 6
    edited April 2015

    Dear friends,

    It's been 2 weeks since I started this thread and I want to thank each of you for talking with me. Your kindness did a lot to help me move through my self-blame phase more quickly than I would have otherwise.

    My heart goes out to each woman here who is scared and learning more about how to navigate this disease. I don't know about you all, but I feel pretty good -- not at all "sick." Geesh.

    I've been told that suggested that my treatment plan includes mastectomy (single or double TBD), chemo & Tamoxifen. (My cancer was caught early, but I had radiation treatment already so can't have it again.)

    Spending time with a photographer friend and my husband tomorrow, to document and celebrate my beautiful body as it is now. And meeting with a second surgeon - this one a woman and a surgical oncology/breast fellow - today.

    Step by step I'm moving forward. One gift in all this is the new sisterhood I'm finding with people like you.

    A warm hug to all.

    -Tara

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