I'm angry

I can completely understand your anger. I have felt the same way about so many aspects of this disease the last 6 months. Sometimes just venting helps.

I know exactly how you feel. The day I received my diagnosis I knew that my body would never feel as good as it did that day. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. I experience fresh waves of anger with every new setback. Venting to people who understand helps.

Please don't make any decisions about treatment before talking to your doctors. BMX does not guarantee that you will be spared chemo or rads or recurrance.

4 Life, there is still a lot of life after we hear those words. Distressing, yes but we all deal with it. Anger is just a small part of it. I think it just gets our spunk up! But I have had a long road to get here today, and I'm here today. So get all of the info from the scans, tests, and the Doctors and decide with the professionals what is your best path. Register on the American Cancer Society site, they have a lot of helpful info. Look through all of the threads here, you will meet the most amazing people here. But skip Doctor Google, the info is usually outdated or just wrong. Here you get real info in real time. Look and you will see some are minutes old! And the info pours in from all over the world.

I am so sorry that you have to be here, we all are, but you will never be alone here, we all get it, and we all help each other get through it. We just put on our cancer killing butt kicking boots and stomp on. You will be amazed at yourself how strong you really are. We got your back!

Drop back by, we all want to know what we can do to help!

Vol4Life

I so see myself in your post. I was diagnosed 6/2014 at the age of 55 and my fears and anxiety were debilitating.  Unlike you, I was very aware of my body, very aware that I looked good and I didn't want to lose that. Of course I didn't want to lose my life even more.

May I give you a little advice handed to you with the upmost love and concern and some experience too?

#1 Don't make any decisions until you have spoken with the MO and the surgeon. Don't make any decisions or assumptions until facts are known and all is explained to you.  If I had stopped my fears from invading every cell of my being I could have spared myself the weeks of tears & panic.

#2 If MX is the right choice for you please consult with a breast reconstruction surgeon before you decide to undergo same day reconstruction. I say this because there are distinct disadvantages to both. If you do same day you will awaken from surgery feeling more intact but recovery will be lengthly. You will not have to adjust to wearing prosthetics. But your new breasts may change negatively after radiation and healing and you may have to have some kind of revision in the future. If you wait for later reconstruction you will recover faster from surgery, but you will have to deal with a flat life for a while. After healing, after chemo , after rads and once you are all strong again is when the reconstruction is done. The advantage of this is that the ReconMD can see exactly what he/she is dealing with. Will you need more skin? Less skin? Expanders? Revise scars?  The end results are better with later reconstruction but you have to live awhile without.

#3 As you can see my DX was IDC with a 3.2 cm tumor. The MO & surgeon both recommended breast sparing surgery not MX. One big fear shot down.   Lymph node was clear, and Oncotype DX low, no chemo so another fear shot down. I had 35 rads and that went relatively easy. Another fear that was unneeded.  The type was ER+ PR+, I heard all kinds of horror stories about SE for the meds I would need to take. So, far I have adjusted to or resolved the SE . So anther fear shot down.

All the treatment decisions were made only after I had two medical opinions which in the USA all insurance much pay for a 2nd opinion. This helped me feel more confident about treatment.

 I recently had another surgery for "unconfirmed, undetermined probable malignancy"  OMG again!?This time I was anxious and  fearful but less than the first time. I was able to function more normally until the path report came in of no cancer. Another fear shot down.

Try not to fear what has not yet happened. Arm yourself with knowledge, ask questions and then ask again. Get 2nd opinions. Knowledge is power.

I send you all the best possible, all good wishes, all good vibes, healing prayer, and sisterly love.

Vol4life, So sorry for you. It's a long road we travel filled with difficult choices and lots of emotion. YourPS will be the best judge of what will get you the best result, immediate or delayed DIEP recon. My PS recommended immediate because he said he could get a better cosmetic result. I believe the scars are different. From the photos I've seen, delayed recons have a larger football shaped scar. For immediate recon with nipple removal, the scar is round, just a little bigger than the areola. My BS didn't recommend nipple sparring for me.

I don't think recon made my recovery that much worse and I''m happy it was over with in one shot, especially the drains. I would hate to have those twice! I meet with my PS in a few weeks to discuss stage two, and I'm truly hoping drains are not part of the plan.

Thank you so much. I can honestly tell you I feel better by just reading the posts and knowing there are people going through the emotional roller coaster of just being diagnosed with cancer. I already can feel the support and I am so happy there is a place like this where I am able to speak freely and know that people understand. Thank you again for being here for all of us!

Raider: I loved how you laid out your fears and how some of them were unnecessary. I am having a lot of fear as I am getting ready to start treatment but I know not ALL of the bad things will happen to me with each treatment option. Hopefully.

I'm not angry exactly...I guess I am more numb. I have been through cancer before...colon cancer, for which I had surgery in Dec. 2013. I had 6 months of chemo, was deemed cancer-free then had a screening mammogram in Dec. which showed a mass in my left breast. Biopsy positive for cancer. Had a CT to check for metastases...a shadow was spotted in the right breast. Biopsy confirmed another tumour which had been missed on the mammogram. So I am now scheduled for a double mastectomy, on March 26. Getting really tired of cancer!! I am 52 which is not that old. I feel like screaming sometimes...WHY ME? Is it something I did or didn't do? Should I have eaten better and exercised more? I am a nurse and have looked after a lot of cancer patients. I am not afraid of dying, but I have two young grandkids I want to see grow up! At this point it looks like there are no metastases but I can't help but think about death...this disease is a bad one..one of my tumours is triple negative too, making it a bit trickier to treat. This time it's chemo for sure, and radiation. Losing my hair as well as my boobs. My two best features!

Thanks RaiderGirl, it's so great that this forum exists. I feel alone in this...I don't know anyone well who has had a mastectomy. My surgeon, who has been doing her job 20 plus years and is excellent, has only ever done a handful of bilateral mastectomies. She has done lots of one-sided ones though and I trust her skill. At the moment I am feeling fairly upbeat...in fact, I am having a Bye Bye Boobies party before my surgery...but I just know I am going to be a wreck going into the operating room! My husband is very supportive though, and my mom and daughter will both be there as well when I get wheeled away. My colon cancer surgery was not such a big deal...even though I was in hospital for a week. This time it's very visible - not only the loss of my breasts but I will lose my hair too. Yes I know they're just outward things and does not reflect who you are...but I have to start seeing myself differently.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent

Hi Andrea,

I am sorry you have to go through this and that you are a previous survivor! I felt like you too, like I had been through enough with before my DX, my husband died suddenly when I was 31, raised a 2 and 3 yr old by myself for 10 years then had a hernia repair and a hysterectomy the year before due to fibroids. I was angry. I think that helped though. It sounds like you think like I did, you wanting to be around for your grandkids so I used that as motivation at the time. I went in thinking that cancer was not going to leave my boys orphans so instead of being sad about losing my breasts, I was thinking " get these cancer bombs off my body before they kill me." Don't worry about how you react at the time of surgery, we are all different and there is no right or wrong. It sounds like you are super loved with all the support you are getting from family

Anna

Andrea,

I hope you are soaking up the love and support from this group.

I say this without reserve, there was a short time in the beginning that this forum saved my life. "nuff said about that.

RG

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to take a moment to give encouragement. You CAN do this and you WILL fight strong!!! As others have said, you will be amazed at how strong you really are. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just turned 43 and just this past September was just beginning this journey (see my notes below in the footer). Along with gene mutation (PTEN...what???) came IDC and LCIS in the other breast - I had chosen the double mastectomy due to the genetic result and was very thankful I had. However, I was not expecting positive lymph nodes and did NOT want ALND (axillary lymph node dissection). So, second surgery for that before beginning a planned 6 cycle treatment of TCH.

Began chemo at the beginning of December. Shaved my head (very empowering), and got through the holidays on Popsicles and salad. Decided to only do 4 rounds of chemo and now I am almost 6 weeks out from my last treatment. Each day I feel better, stronger, more positive. Each day I thank God for the beauty of life that surrounds me. Each day the thought of cancer becomes more distant, and my daily activities take more importance. In other words, I am getting back to LIFE. Yes, I have to deal with lymphedema. Yes, I still have to make a decision on endocrine therapy. Do I have a complete hysterectomy due to my high risk, or do I just do Tamoxifen until I turn 45 and take out the rest of my female organs? I also still have exchange surgery...that I am VERY excited about! Can't wait to get these silly tennis balls off my chest. Yet again, each day the misery of the previous day fades and I look forward to tomorrow and what that will bring. Each day my hair grows back a little tiny bit....makes me appreciate my eyes and my face more. :-)

You ARE strong. You ARE amazing, unique, beautiful and priceless!

Fight hard.

Akitagirl

Hi Raidergirl - Thank you for your kind words! Exchange surgery is when you have the Tissue Expanders (TEs) removed and the permanent breast implants placed. Hopefully this will be my last surgery for a very very long time. :-)

Akitagirl

Akitagirl, when is your exchange ?? Just went to plastic surgeon yesterday, no more fills for me...but that unfortunately means a little reconstruction on the real boob. Not sure I want that done, but he wants to lift, and he said that when he does that it will be bigger than my tissue expander size... resulting in two different size boobs.. So he said that maybe we also do a small reduction in the real boob. My fear is I have a tiny cyst that is in a milk duct that is being watched...god only knows why they did not take care of that when they did my surgery, and of course I was consumed with the other side, that I never even thought about it. Not sure I want anyone messing around with it..

Hi Thinking Positive - I agree with Raidergirl...have heard of and seen lots of patients with excellent outcomes in situations such as yours. Also, if you have a cyst they are observing, instead of worrying about it, why not just take it out under general anesthesia?

My surgery is April 28th - not soon enough. In the meantime, I am just continuing to heal and grow stronger. We are off to Disney World next week and then I am taking a special 4 day weekend just by myself to spend some time processing, relaxing, healing and just 'being'. Of course, it's not going to hurt that it will be on a cruise ship out of Ft. Lauderdale...in the warm sun!

Akitagirl