Will Cancer be the breaking point of my marriage

Hi vr. I can relate. Though there were never serious problems in our marriage, when I was first diagnosed Stage 3, I had a lot of 're-evaluating to do. I was the one who did everything and got very little in return from hubby. We split up for a while because I seriously had no tolerance left for his moments of man-flu and whining. I refused to deal with cancer and take care of a third child. I think the light finally came on for him when he realized I really didn't need him and would be just fine without him. He's still not one to show emotion, but I think he finally realized that there are things I simply won't stand for. Since those months of turbulence, when push comes to shove, he's never let me down and has done everything I've asked. Frankly, I'm glad I stuck it out, because now that I've been completely debilitated by this Stage IV disease, there's no way I could do it on my own and I can't imagine visiting my illness on my kids. I know now, some men are just like that...taking things for granted, insensitive...they really don't know how upsetting it is until they're forced to self-evaluate. I hope things work out for you.

My husband of 24 years and I separated in July - it was sort of a long time coming. We always promised each other we would separate while we could still be friends - and stayed true to that. It's clear that we won't be getting back together. When I was diagnosed in January he truly stepped up and (once again) been my rock - gone to all of my appts, etc. He has asked me to come "home" once chemo starts - not as a couple but as my best friend. No can do. It seems that would just be for his convenience. I now live about 30 min away (LA driving minutes - it's only 12 miles), coming over when I need help will be hard for him given his work hours but it's not about making it easier for anyone else. It's about us and our needs. I have told him repeatedly that I don't live there anymore & won't "come home" unless it's as a couple (which isn't what I want).

Relationships are so much work w/o cancer. This seems to make it better or worse. I'm so sorry that you ladies are going through this and that. Hang in there, surround yourselves with those who have your back. And there's always us when you need us.

All of these posts are hitting home. Sending you a hug vr423.

I find BC has diminished my tolerance for BS. I actually went into hibernation for a while as certain people were just sucking me dry. DH and I went through a year from hell prior to my dx. It scares me to think that if I would have left I would be doing this cancer thing basically by myself.We are on a much better road now but the road is still bumpy.

randomchance, I am 58 and single/divorced. I have been by myself since 2004. So when I was diagnosed I had a pity party not knowing how I would manage to work and go through treatment. But as treatment went along, and my apartment turned into a hot mess with laundry piled high, I thanked my lucky stars I was alone. I realized that my ex would have been zero help as I was the one that took care of everything anyway. It is so hard to relate to people that don't get it. For me I feel like I joined a secret society and healthy people need not apply.

I have seen many here on the boards that their life has been evaluated since BC hit home. Sometimes it goes up for the best result and they are closer, and others have gone their own way. I am still trying to feel at home in my own skin since my mastectomy. Having been alone at the time, I doubt I can ever get to the stage where I can share that. But everyone has their own baggage, and you will know what you need. Nothing will happen to make it magically get better or worse. Depending on your life before cancer, only the two of you can figure that one out. I am sure you will have others drop in here, but maybe a counselor would be able to help you and your husband navigate this slippery slope. Good Luck!

Hi JJ, maybe he should seek some healing sun going on a trip, and you would have peace at home to do rads. Funny how some things become clearer when we hit fight or flight mode. You need positive help and support, so visit here often for that. I feel so much better here with those that get it. But I did push some "friends" to the bottom of the list when I told them about my BC. They may be back later at some point, but I doubt it. And it has made it so much easier for me. I have too much to do for me, and I do not have time to support them! I am really sure I have needs, and my life depends on me right now. Take Care.

So glad I found this thread. For the last week I've been dealing with some upsetting news and don't have anyone to talk to and I feel like I'm going to burst! I have found a therapist in my area who deals with this issue but she's on vacation and I can't get an appointment until May, aarrgh....

My husband of 30 years (also a bit of a narcissist) has just confided in me that for the last several years he has been publicly cross dressing. He insists that he is not sexually attracted to or sexually active with other trans-women or gay men and he does not want to transition. He has been attending cross-dressing social gatherings in both our home state and another state where we have a 2nd home, it's near Vegas, so he's also gone to some Vegas CD/Trans events.He actually has flown dressed as a woman! And we worry about TSA patting us down due to prosthetics! He has a facebook page where he and his CD friends post pictures of their outings. Shockingly, he is a very attractive woman, has a great wardrobe, is a great dancer and has a ton of girlfriends! The man I married had a full beard, is into football, exercising, sailing, skiing, fast cars and motorcycles, is a terrible dancer and socially and emotionally reserved. He is smart, funny, very successful in his profession, gets along well with people of all types, is good to his mom and siblings., etc.... We've had a great life.

He finally felt comfortable telling me his secret because I recently confided in him that our 17 year old son had confided to me about a desire to cross-dress. My son does not know about his father's activities. He is into anime and wanted to cross-play at an upcoming anime convention. I helped him buy his cross-play outfits and also helped him with makeup techniques. On his own, he bought wigs and found silicon breasts and purchased a bra. Yesterday he sent me an article about transgendered people, but he doesn't feel that he is a girl trapped in a boys body nor does he act feminine in any way at all, he's was a typical boy, interested in trucks, guns, trains, lego's, and now computer gaming and wants to study computer science. He has very little interest in fashion, most of his clothes are in piles on his bedroom floor, even the cross-play clothes.

Having lived my whole life as a cis-female I just don't know where to begin with all this, especially with my son. I want him to be comfortable and confident with who he is, I don't want him to feel bad about himself, yet I also don't want to make too much of this if it's just a curiosity on his part.

Regarding my husband, I am shocked but realize now there were signs, mostly physical, like shaving his beard, long fingernails, thinning eyebrows, etc., but I never saw this coming. Sex has been a problem for us, but that's on medue to all the changes of my body due to chemo and surgery. I should have opened up to him in that regard but I didn't. I'm not letting him completely off the hook though, he should have tried to get me talking about the problem rather than sneaking around dressing like a woman to get his jollies :-)!

We've had some very frank, intimate discussions since his confession last week and I can see that as being beneficial to our relationship. I am a very liberal person, have gay family members and friends. He wants to stay in the closet from our families and friends. I don't find the cross dressing repulsive but at this point don't want it to infiltrate our lives on a full-time basis. I think I could be accepting of it as long as he's being honest about no sex outside of our marriage. This may surprise some of you, but I've know this man for over 30 years and know what a wonderful person he is and how well we fit together as a couple I guess I'm willing to indulge this fantasy. Not without limits and I am going to see a therapist and talk to her about counseling us as a family.

It feels good to vent, thanks for reading.