waiting in the snow

Hello, for the third day after my diagnostic mammogram, ultrasound and unexpected biopsies, I woke at 5am. Snow is whirling outside, the wind is blowing, and there is a drift in front of my apartment building door, somehow contributing to the claustrophobia of waiting for results. In terms of fight or flight, I cannot fight yet, with no results, and I literally can not do flight either: even the door is blocked! I am in a little state of panic at this moment, that is immune to comfort or statistics, just pure and intense, and hope to be better by the time my daughters get up.

I have been a caregiver for family with intense needs for two decades: child w/type 1 diabetes, lupus and epilepsy, another child with bipolar1 and psychosis at times, husband (now ex) with stroke, mother with stroke. A few months ago the child with health issues, who was about to move to Europe for music study after finally reaching some medical stability, got hit by a car and almost died. After coma in ICU, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab she is a miracle girl, but this week we are dealing with a life-threatening vascular complication from healing gone awry. Last week I also spent a few days touring nursing homes/rehabs to place my mother, who has been in the hospital after I called an ambulance for her two weeks ago.

You get the idea. I feel like people need me and the biggest fear I have right now is not being there for them the way I usually am. I am also afraid that my daughters, who have both struggled in their different ways and are now on wonderful paths, will somehow again get derailed by my probable illness.

The radiologist was certain I have cancer. He told me to be prepared. He was training a resident and obviously prided himself on how he talks to patients, in a gentle voice, but he acted as if my fate was dark and dangerous and offered no positives at all to temper that at all. He certainly didn't tell me that 80% are benign: he doesn't think I am a lucky one. I imagine I am BIRADS 5.

The lump was found last week by my new primary care doctor at my first appointment with her. It was just a casual appointment that I cancelled twice due to all the other things going on. She told me she thought it was a cyst and I successfully avoided worrying too much before the mammogram and ultrasound. When the radiologist came in to tell me to be prepared, I felt numb, and calm, but my body started to shake. I had to ask a resident to hold my legs down!

I have ordered a few books and found this site and have researched doctors- I am in Boston with Dana Farber and MGH nearby. (If anyone can share experiences with them, let me know). I don't know if I should be doing something now. Biopsy results should be in Wed. or Thurs. Should I get records now from the imaging done last week? Should I be making appointments now to get in with an oncologist and surgeon? I am ready to go but can't yet!

I know there is a good chance of survival, excellent even. I would have a double mastectomy for sure. But despite statistics I keep thinking about my girls without me. Netflix is my friend. I would normally stay busy and walk a lot but the snow situation here has us all trapped and immobile.

Thanks for listening. This site is wonderful. I will be thinking of all of you who are also waiting.