Waiting to Exhale

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lynnmiller
lynnmiller Member Posts: 12
edited February 2015 in Waiting for Test Results

I just saw this as someone's user name and this is exactly how I feel. I feel I can't rest until I know what my results are. This morning I'm very anxious. Yesterday afternoon was a bad day. I was feeling so down thinking how can thes be happening to me. This happens to other people not me. One thing I realized when people say " you don't have cancer, don't worry". I feel it's very invalidating. I don't know if I have cancer or not I'm still waiting. My very good friend who has been through the same thing has been very validating. She has encouraged me to get out all of my feelings. I have my 2nd biospy or lumpectomy on Feb 12th than I have to wait for another week for the results. Three whole weeks of waiting. How can I do this? How do I get by from day to day? I've been trying to keep myself very busy. Don't know anything other then the doctor said it can be pre-cancerous to stage 2 and may or may not have to have chemo. I have been growing my hair out for the first time in a long time. It's almost mid back now. I can't bare the thought of losing my hair. I can't bear the thought of putting poinson "chemo" into my body. I'm frightened. I'm finding I'm too sensitive to watch certain movies or T.V. shows now. I try to realy watch only happy things on T.V. I plan to go to a face to face support group next week.


My husband will be out of town for 12 days during this whole process. My dear freind Heather is staying with me for a few days after the surgery. I plan for us to get a pedicure, were going shopping and dining, watching movies and she's cooking for me too. She's a real good cook. I have my mother in law who's had breast cancer, my dear friend Viki, my sisters who live out of state and my dear freind Heather, plus my church family and yes my husband. So I have a pretty good support group.


It's the alone times that are hard. When I'm driving, I imaging God sitting in the back seat. He's not in the front because my little chihulahula mix is in front seat in his bed. When my dog Luke isn't with me I imagine God in the front seat with me holding my hand. I also plan to buy some relaxation tapes.


Thanks for lettign me vent. I need to get this stuff out of me.


Hugs to all you wonderful ladies. I guess were all in this together.


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  • roadrash
    roadrash Member Posts: 145
    edited February 2015

    Hi, I want to say welcome. Talk it out because we are here to listen and help. What you are going through is painfullly real and everyone understands your fear and anxiety. This whole process stinks and frankly I think some of the tests are still barbaric and degrading. Please vent away with the rest of us. Yes, we are all thankful for the medical technology but that doesn't make it any less anxiety provoking to some of us. I have to come on this board because my husband is so tired of me yapping about my boobs. I think I have even burnt out some of my girlfriends too. Your plans with Heather sound fantastic! A girls week filled with fun activites. My faith means a lot ot me. I repeat scripture and positive statements to myself all the time. "What God bring us to, God will bring us through". I heard TD Jakes give a message on temporary circumstance right before my surgery... The idea was that you are not building a house where you are right now. You weren't meant to stay in this positioin. Put up a tent. Tents are mobile and temporary. I really leaned on my church group for support through al my tests and surgeries. I also have two daschunds and a couple of cats who truly do talk back to me. :D PLease post often and talk with us.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited February 2015

    Dear lynnmiller, everyone here knows how stressful and frightening the waiting time is and can sympathise. Feel free to vent as this forum is here when your other support network is not there or asleep.

    We are glad you have the support you have arranged, especially with hubby away, and your plans to keep busy sound great and fun. The time will go faster the more occupied you are, some do a major cupboard clean out to keep busy, but that's not the fun you have planned.

    We wish for good clean margins and no problems with your lumpectomy, when you have it.

    All our best

    The Mods

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  • Loveandlight1977
    Loveandlight1977 Member Posts: 12
    edited February 2015

    Dearest lynnmiller,

    There are lots of us just waiting. I have two biopsies today BUT I made the first call DEC 15. It is the slowest moving train ever. I am riddled with anxiety. I have a significant family hx of bc. Great Grandmother, Grandmother, 3great aunts, mother, auntie, and baby sister....all maternal. I feel like I am just waiting for my number to be called. I feel certain that I have every right to cry or freak out a little. The radiologist said she would be surprised if it came back benign. I am angry that I just didn't go get a prophylactic mastectomy because my mother insists it is jumping the gun and I am over reacting. I have had mammograms every 6 months for a few years and biopsies every time. Ive never had the luxury of a clean image. I understand your worry and the impatience that come along with waiting. I am very aware that I may have cancer but I am desperately trying to not allow it to steal the joy out of today.

    Wishing you all love and light....and some peace!

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  • lynnmiller
    lynnmiller Member Posts: 12
    edited February 2015

    Today I've been on edge. It's late and I can't sleep. I couldn't find a matching sock to one of my favorite socks and I thought I was going to have a melt down. How ridiculous is that?! Took a xanax and hoping I can get to sleep soon. On top of being anxious of my surgery my husband will be out of time during this time for 12 days. I want him to go. He's been through a lot of his own stuff so this is good for him, however everytime he leaves I feel like an orphan. I have huge abandonment issues. Thank goodness I have a plan to not be alone.I just read my original post and realized I already mentioned my husband would be gone.

    I'm also wondering if I should take a couple of days off of work during the waiting period of my results and do something nurturing. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I'm just blabbing away and going to bed now.


    Thanks Ladies.

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  • Beachbum1023
    Beachbum1023 Member Posts: 1,417
    edited February 2015

    Hi lynnmiller, I hope you get some sleep, it helps us all get through the day. It's hard enough to get through the surgery, but I was concerned because I live alone, just me and my fish. But it was a good thing in the end since I could just focus on me and what I had to have. I hope he can check in, and maybe you have someone coming to stay while he is away. You will be refreshed and rested when he gets back. BC is very draining emotionally and physically as well. So a break is nice just to recharge and get back in the fight. Maybe try to plan some pampering that you enjoy, maybe movies, do your nails, or lunch with friends. Or read that book that you have put off to later. Sometimes we just nap, whatever it takes! I do hope you feel better!

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  • mothree
    mothree Member Posts: 21
    edited February 2015

    Lynnmiller, your post could be mine. I have the exact same fears. I feel like I haven't taken a breath since this all started. I want to know the results, yet I'm scared to death of them. I feel like none of this is real. I'm pretty sure I'll know this week at some point. Part of me feels like I won't be able to handle anything but a benign result. I feel like I'll fall apart. There are certain things in life I know I can't handle. Before this all started, I could barely say the "C" word. I know that's pathetic, but it's true. I can't leave my children, or put them through even the fear of losing me. I want this to be over. I want my normal back. I pray we all get benign results. Waiting with you.

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  • Googoogirl
    Googoogirl Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2015

    Hello everyone. I had my ultrasound Jan 28 and my core needle biopsy Feb 3. I have an appt to get my test results Feb 17. (Why they can't call me as soon as they know is annoying - but I am currently living in Japan and they seem to do things differently here). I have my ups and downs.. No one really knows here. One friend and my husband. I have a daughter in college in the States. And two sons here in Japan (14 and 5). Most of my family and very close friends who I would normally share all this with are back in the States. So, I am very happy to have found this forum. It helps to read what you are all going through and nice to see all the support given. I feel less lonely dealing with this. We aren't telling our family back in the States until we know for sure. I used to work in the cancer field for 3 years (including breast cancer) so I don't know if that will be good or bad for me - as maybe I know too much right now....

    luvs and hugs. xoxoxox

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  • Beachbum1023
    Beachbum1023 Member Posts: 1,417
    edited February 2015

    Googoogirl, welcome to our club, the one you never wanted to be in, me too. But I hope you have someone to support you close by. You can always tell your others stateside when you know for sure. We wait and wait in the states for results also, so not too unusual, but very annoying. You will find a lot of support here, and probably a good thing for you to check protocol and such since you are in Japan. Sadly feeling lonely seems to be the norm, it is easier to talk to others who "get it". There are other nurses, and other medical professionals that are here also. Breast cancer doesn't play favorites. The others always point out that they know too much, and you probably know more than enough to be concerned. But on this side, it is game on! Ask plenty of questions, everyone here will be glad to help.

    The best advice right now, relax, take a breath, it is nothing until it is something!! Please let us know what we can do to help.

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  • Beachbum1023
    Beachbum1023 Member Posts: 1,417
    edited February 2015

    mothree, I wanted to check and see if you had heard anything yet. You need to step back and take a deep breath. We all go to the dark side when we do not have the information we desperately need to get our game on. We all know how it goes. You won't fall apart, we are here to help you. You will handle it, not matter what. Please let us know what we can do to help. You will find so much love and support here, no matter what the news is. We are all in it to win it, whatever our it may be. This is one tough bunch of butt kickin' cancer killin' ladies! We all kick and fight one battle at a time. Game On!

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  • Jonijess
    Jonijess Member Posts: 15
    edited February 2015

    I am right there with you ladies, alternating between feeling like a weepy, emotional wreck and feeling like I can handle this. I will be waiting this week on the results of an excisioinal biopsy after my core biopsy showed ALH. I don't like this new reality and I want so badly to go back to my old one pre-December 31, 2014 (the day I got the call that I had to go back for a repeat mammo), but I don't know that I ever will after this, no matter what the results are. Either I have breast cancer or I am high risk for breast cancer so things have changed one way or another. I was the poster child for not worrying about it at all as there is no history of BC in my family at all. Boy, was I wrong.

    Even though I know it won't make a difference my heart is going to be in my throat every time I see I have a phone message this week. I'm an elementary school teacher so my days are very busy with little time for anything but my students so that's a blessing I suppose. It's been over a month of being worried for me, from the first phone call until now. The stress just gets to me sometimes.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited February 2015

    Your mutual support here, during these stressful times is heartwarming to hear. We are so glad you all found this group on BCO and wish you all the best possible outcomes.

    Tghe Mods

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  • sgreenarch
    sgreenarch Member Posts: 528
    edited February 2015
    Hi, I was just signing in, as I do once in a while (now) to check on a few threads I follow, and the title of this one caught my eye. I am years past where you are now and thought perhaps I could lend some support.
    I will, of course, never forget, being where you are now. I was 49, busy, healthy, professional mom of four kids, etc. Went to my 9th routine mammogram without a care in the world; no symptoms, no family history. Shocked is not the word, there is no fitting word, for how I felt when things started to go south very quickly. The mammographer saw something, did a sonogram, then decided to do an excisional bx right then and there. (My husband was a Dr on staff at same Hosp, so things did move quickly which is good...but hard too, no time to absorb...) I could see on everyone's faces that this probably wasn't going to be benign and I got confirmation a few days later, invasive lobular cancer. This starts the whirlwind, and the details aren't important now (though if it helps you to hear you can PM me) but the point is that I am here almost 5 years later, cancer free, healthy (probably much more healthy since I've changed my lifestyle to be much healthier than pre BC) and fine. I know that hearing the word 'malignant' is your worst nightmare, and I hope that you don't hear it. But please just know that if you do hear it, it is statistically, in the vast majority of cases, not a death sentence. And ultimately that is what counts. You can and will get through any kind of treatment you might need, it is all doable, and then you'll get on with your lives. Breast cancer is sadly so common now. (1 in 9 in most of the world? I think it's 1 in 7.5 here in Israel.) As you're waiting, try to think about all the women you know who are survivors, relatives, friends, even celebrities. They've all been where you are now, and they're all ok. Not trying to diminish or lessen your fear, not at all. I completely get it. Just trying to give you some hope, and calm from the other side :) Good luck. Great support and lay info on many threads on this site.
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  • Jonijess
    Jonijess Member Posts: 15
    edited February 2015

    Sgreenarch, thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much your words have helped. I appreciate you taking the time to talk me down a bit, because that's exactly what I need right now. I should know more in the next couple of days and it helps so much to know that so many others have gone before and made it through. I appreciate the hope and the calm. Thank you.

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  • Jonijess
    Jonijess Member Posts: 15
    edited February 2015

    Googoogirl, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, as I believe you get your results on Monday. I am beyond to relieved to share that my results showed no sign of cancer. I am considered high risk for breast cancer now, and I have my follow up appointment with the surgeon in about a week and a half and she told me on the phone that I will be monitored more closely. That is the best result I could have hoped for so I am thankful. I hope and pray very much that you also receive good news!

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