Need advice on telling 7 yr. old

4happygirl · February 2015

4happygirl · February 2015

Hi all and thanks in advance for your help...

I was originally diagnosed with a .9 cm mass in my left breast, then found 2 smaller masses in different quads. so I will be having a mastectomy with TE in next 2-3 weeks. I had an MRI guided core biopsy so I had small wounds and bruising from that (my booboo breast). When I thought lumpectomy was an option I told my then 6 yr old that there are lumps in my breast and the biopsy is a test that uses a long needle to get some cells out to look at under the microscope to find out if they'll grow too much and make me sick. I also told her that I would have an operation to remove them and would have stitches. So far so good, but now I need to prepare her for mastectomy without using the word cancer. My dad died in 2012 of metastatic disease, primary was prostate cancer. It spread to his bones and brain, not a good death as you can imagine, and my DD knows the cause of his death, that he was very sick for a long time, and that there was nothing that could be done to save him. The only thing that is causing me real fear is the possibility of leaving my DD motherless, and if possible, I would like to get her through this without experiencing that fear as well. I think the anxiety and stress have shut down my brain so ideas from you experienced moms are most appreciated.

Spookiesmom · February 2015

When I lost my hair from chemo, my then 7yo grandson asked why. I said I was sick, and the medicine I had to take made it fall out, but it would grow back. That was enough for him.

I don't think she needs all the details right now, answer her questions as they come, age appropriate. Heck, adults have a hard time with this!

Mom has to have surgery. Why? So I can get better. Type things

alizbeth · February 2015

My son was 7 at the time of my mastectomy last year. I did not want to use the cancer word with him either. Ultimately, I told him I needed to have surgery to remove a tumor inside of me. Our dog had a tumor that we removed about a year prior, so I thought he could relate to that. He actually ended up crying and being really upset, but when I asked him what was upsetting him so, it was the fact that I had to stay overnight in the hospital. It was the "hospital" word that got to him. Once I told him I was in the hospital for a longer period of time following his birth, he was totally fine and no longer frightened. We also forewarned the kids I wouldn't be able to give them the big goodnight hugs for a while, but it would only be a few months. I am happy to report that I have been able to give the big goodnight hugs again for the past several months or so.

tangandchris · February 2015

My youngest was 4 when I was dx'd and I kept things really simple with her. I couldn't use cancer with her either, I just couldn't bear it. I also said that the medicine I needed was going to make my hair come out, but it would grow back. I also found a book that we read that explained things some too. "When Mommy had a Mastectomy". To be honest, the book made me cry and even now when she wants to read it I have a hard time getting thru it.

Best thing is to answer questions as honestly as you can at their age level, but don't give too much scary info.

((hugs))

4happygirl · February 2015

Thanks Spookiesmom, I totally agree that she doesn't need details, and I wish I didn't have to tell her anything. She's bright and curious and will question me until she feels satisfied that no details are missing, so I try to have my story straight ahead of time. Another challenge is that she's very interested in the human body and medical science. When she was 4 she asked for a book on what was inside her body, so I gave her The Human Body, which has transparent overlays of all the systems and the names of each anatomical part of the body. She had me, her father and her babysitter read every word in the book to her, for a total of 3 complete readings. She's very interested in the problem with Mom's left breast, and wanted to know what tools were used to access the inside of my breast, so I told her about the core biopsy and the MRI. (BTW she cracked me up by asking "How is your breast today?" quite seriously every time she greeted me for about a week afterward.) She wanted to know how sutures are performed and what tools are used, so we watched a Harvard Medical School video on YouTube of a doc suturing a shallow flesh wound. And I'm sure I had a lot more aversion to it than she did. So you see my problem: she will want all the details of what will happen in surgery, and there isn't a chance she won't notice that my breast is suddenly missing. But despite her intelligence, she's just a little girl and a sensitive one. So, I have to figure out how to tell her the whole, or mostly the whole, truth without scaring her.

4happygirl · February 2015

Good advice alizbeth to ask what is upsetting. I'm often surprised by the answer. Congrats on big hugs again!

4happygirl · February 2015

Thanks for book recommendation Tangdandchris. I'm glad you to see you and alizbeth didn't use C word either. How did your kids react to missing body part? I'm a little worried that having part of me removed will freak her out.

tangandchris · February 2015

I didn't realize how much it bothered her until I got my prosthesis and started wearing it. She just thought it was amazing and kept saying I look the way I used to look. She was happy about it, but maybe that was more of her feeling like I was getting back to "normal" and wouldn't be so sick anymore. I dressed and undressed in front of her before BC and I continue to do so now, I thought that I should behave as normal as possible so that would keep things stable for her. I'm not sure if I'm doing any of this right though

Trvler · February 2015

I like the idea of not using the c word. I am not sure how to advise her. She sounds very mature for her years or at least gifted intellectually. Sounds like you have a future doctor on your hands anyway.

beatrice00 · February 2015

I told my 6-year old daughter and 4-year old son that I was going for a long check-up and they would have to sleep with grandpa overnight. My mother stayed with me at the hospital. The next day I went home, they saw I was a bit sick "with a cold" and left me alone. It did not turn out to be a big deal for them. Ipads, TV and pizza helped a lot. I never mentioned breast cancer not even a few months later when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My kids are interested but not too much. Good luck.

alizbeth · February 2015

When I got home from the hospital, my son wanted to look at the scar, bandages, etc., but we told him it had to stay covered up, and he dismissed it. If you are having immediate reconstruction, they put you in a surgical bra immediately following the surgery. The bra has to be worn for 24 hrs / day, for at least 2 weeks. I was very small breasted before the mastectomy, such that the tissue expander with the first fill really was not that much smaller than my natural breast. Consequently, I don't think my kids noticed that aspect too much. My son was oddly fascinated with the drains, but I tried to keep those covered under my clothes, because they bothered me - clearly more than my son!

4happygirl · February 2015

Tangandchris I don't think hiding the truth from our kids helps them cope with the real world so you're probably doing the right thing.

4happygirl · February 2015

Trvlr I know, my husband and I call her Doc in secret. Wouldn't it be great if she wants to do cancer research. I'm hoping my fight will inspire her when she gets older.

momand2kids · February 2015

best advice I got-- "kids take their cues from you".... so mine were 12 and 7--my h told them separately and used age appropriate language... I had my lumpectomy while they were in school--- and we kept them on their regular schedules while I worked and had chemo. We did use the word cancer but in their minds, cancer was very curable because both had had classmates with some type of cancer--- my 7 year old loved to take care of my wig....

I think if you asked them now (13 and 18) they would barely remember it---- neither do I, as a matter of fact.

4happygirl · February 2015

alizbeth sounds like your son and my DD are kindred spirits. BTW thanks for the heads up about no big hugs. I've been getting a lot of big hugs lately and warning her that those will not be happening for a while after surgery. Also good to know about the TE size. I'm also smaller breasted and I'm going to do that as well. Fortunately I told her already that because there were so many bad cells in my breast that the doc would have to take most of it away instead of just the lumps so it would look a lot smaller than the other one. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it would be removed completely.

Flatinfl · February 2015

My daughter was 6 and son 9 when I was diagnosed. For various reasons I did not have reconstruction at the time(over a year ago) and I may never be able to do so in the future. I also had chemo and radiation. I was completely honest with both of them and have never tried to hide any of it. We have had lots of discussions about cancer and continue to do so. It saddens me that it is a part of their lives at such an early age, but that is our reality. My daughter asked the other day if the cancer was gone and if I was going to die from cancer. I told her, it is gone for now and while I may die someday(we all do) it won't be soon. We have a wonderful school counselor who started a group for kids who have a parent that is ill. Of the three parents, I am the only one still here a year later. I hope that I dealt with this the "right" way, but parenting is hard in even the best circumstances. I think we should take cues from our kids and let them lead the questions but be as honest as possible with them.

Kim

LisaMomOfFour · February 2015

The cancer center that I went to gave me some great advice. My youngest were 9 year old twins at the time. (they turn 14 tomorrow!). They suggested that I talk to the kids about not searching for information about cancer on the internet. I asked them to stay away from searching for information on the internet, but that I would answer any question they had.

Trvler · February 2015

The thing I keep thinking about is when telling kids (having had a sick mom as a kid and knowing how kids think), how can you in some way tell your kids to let you know if they have any concerns or questions without 'concerning' them? You don't necessarily want to bring up the dying thing, but you wonder if that has creeped into their minds and they aren't asking you when if they did, you could put their mind at ease most likely? I am rambling here. Am I making any sense at all?

Trvler · February 2015

I should add that, I have not told my kids (9 and just turning 11 next week). I was kind of waiting until I at least decided what surgery and when.

Trvler · February 2015

4happygirl: I am glad you mentioned that about the hugs. It is something I will have to discuss as well. Believe it or not, I still frequently rock my almost 11 year old to sleep. She is gifted and she has a hard time shutting her brain down and going to sleep. But for some reason, when I rock her she can go to sleep in minutes. She also has ADD and her symptoms worsen when she is overtired. I know the rocking is probably going to end now as well. (makes me so sad even thinking about it. It is a nice bonding time for us).

JJ47 · February 2015

I have 3 children; 19, 17, and 10. The girls are older and were much easier to talk to about what was happening. Telling my 10 year old son was by far the hardest. I waited until I was able to make sure I wouldn't get emotional with him since I knew he would be scared. I just started out by telling him that I was sick and that I was going to have a surgery to remove the illness. I then told him that I would need to take medicine that would most likely make my hair fall out. As soon as I said that he asked, do you have cancer? I was not going to lie to him so I told him yes. His next question was, can I catch it? Which made me smile and I reassured him that he could not. He said he was afraid to see me without hair, I laughed and said yes I can't say I am looking forward to that either. He laughed and we talked a little more about it and then he seemed satisfied for the moment. I told him to come to me with any questions and that I would be honest with him, which made him feel better. My mother has gone through this and he knows she is okay now so I think that helps him. I try to be honest and open with him and let him know that it is a bump in the road and we will all get though it together.

Good luck to you 4happygirl

4happygirl · March 2015

Thanks JJ47 My surgery/recovery has been going well, I hope you are recovering well. My daughter seems to have weathered it pretty well but her acid reflux flared up at the time so I think that was anxiety. Trvlr I think this was her worrying but not saying anything as you suspected. She told her teachers she is sad that my breast has to be taken away, and asks me daily how my breast is doing. It doesn't look completely gone due to the TE. I don't plan to show her my body until the sutures are removed. Agree with all who said "they take their cues from you". I think the most helpful thing I was able to do for her was hide my anxiety and be matter of fact and calm about what is happening. She never asked my if I will die, and never seemed to question that the surgery is to prevent me from being sick, and now that the bad cells are gone, I will be well.

Need advice on telling 7 yr. old

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