just dx and my mind is my worse enemy

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Sssonia
Sssonia Member Posts: 22
edited February 2015 in Just Diagnosed

hi, i was just dx a couple of days ago. it was a total shock. i thought it was my scar tissue doing something wierd. i went to my surgeon thinking i was only going to get a scar revision. my doctor immediatly said i dont think is your scar since my surgery(breast augmentation) was 3 yrs ago. he bx and my worse nightmare : breast cancer. i was in shock. i am a nurse i thought i did not fit the "profile" of someone who was at risk. i am 34yr, no family hx, i have 3 children ( i was 20yr 1st child), i breast feed all of them .     it was terrible. i am almost done with my nurse practitioner school, my kids are young, busy family, and i have two jobs that i love. The worse thing now is conyrolling my thoughts, i have taken care of many patients with cancer, knowing what i know terrifys me. the worst time is at night when everyone is sleeping and i am alone with my thoughts.  how do you cope with that? cant run from myself! how do i do it,? trying to be positive bit is very difficult. i hsve my first oncology appointment next week, the not knowing is very difficult.

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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2015

    oh also i am super hypersensitive to anything my body does. i keep thinking "oh no what if it metastized there now". 

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited January 2015

    One thing I learned is you can't control your mind. For me every thought included my new diagnosis. My mind was constantly trying to fix the problem but you can't so you are spinning in this infinite loop. My husband kept telling me to relax and not think about it impossible. Time is the only cure one day you find that your mind decides that it could go on the back burner. In the meantime try anti anxiety meds and talk to people that have been in your shoes.

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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2015

    thanks for the response meow13, i have been reading other post and it does bring me some relief, i am already an anxious person, i am a contol freak, so this situation that i have no control over is the worse. i will ask my doctor for some anti anxiety so at least i can get some much needed sleep. 

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  • songbird68
    songbird68 Member Posts: 190
    edited January 2015

    hi Sssonia, you are so young to be facing this and my heart goes out to you at this time, the worst time, which is when everything is so up in the air and every answer seems to be you'll have to wait and see.

    Worse I think is that you have experience of caring for those with cancer. But you have to realize that is not you, you will survive this and graduate - and be here for many years to see your children grow up.

    My advice for when the panic hits is to breathe. Slowly, deeply, and while you do this, close your eyes and listen for three things that are around you. Repeat as many times as you need it. I still do this and I am coming up 18 months cancer free:)

    I didn't take the anti-anxiety meds but I did see an oncological psychologist. Maybe you could try that too?

    Big hugs, sweetheart

    x x

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  • SweetHope
    SweetHope Member Posts: 439
    edited January 2015

    Dear Sssonia, so sorry for your devastating news. But I am so glad you reached out to us.

    The cancer patients you care for do not represent the majority of us. They are having severe side effects or end of life issues. Yes, the thought of suffering is more than frightening. But, you will learn here that the majority of us tolerate treatments very well. The sharing of information on these threads takes away a lot of anxiety. The worst anxiety is the waiting. I am glad you are asking for meds to help with that.

    There are many here your age with busy careers and/or young children. They are maintaining their routines with very little interruption. Even keeping their hair through chemo with Cold Capping! Check out their stories and pictures when you can't sleep.

    You mention only the biopsy...have you had your surgery yet? I was not able to meet with my oncologist until my surgeon released me.

    Try to keep up with your studies for NP. I know concentrating on anything but BC may be difficult right now. But, remember, we need you. It was my dear NP who discovered my BC. She saved my life.

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  • momand2kids
    momand2kids Member Posts: 1,508
    edited January 2015

    Hi

    a colleague once told me "it is not the disease that will get you, it is the stress" and I agree--

    You are in the hardest part-- the gathering info about your situation-so there are still some unknowns. Once you get through that part and have a plan, you will feel more empowered. I found that it was helpful to have ambien to sleep and ativan to alleviate the anxiety between my appointments at the discovery phase. I work full time, have young children-- and was able to keep it all together during treatment-- did see a counselor all through treatment to talk about my fears and about the reality (excellent prognosis) and why the two did not match up.

    I am over 6 year out-- things are good--- all seems like a distant memory-- except around medical visits.... but I am watched-- and that makes me feel good.... it is not fun, but you will be able to do whatever you need to do.... as my surgeon says" the vast majority of people never have to deal with this again in their lives"... I like to assume that is me--and you too!!!!


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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2015

    thank you all!!! it does help to be in communication with people that have gone through it. my family is very positive and supportive , i sometimes am my own enemy but i will stay positive!! i am going to defete this dam it!  i will follow all your suggestions. thank you 

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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2015

    sweethope,  i never had a mammogram or ultrasound. i went straight to my plastic surgeon, i had breast augmentation surgery 3 yrs ago. because the right breast always looked a little different thsn the left i thought it was my scar. the plastic surgeon did an incisional biopsy and here i am with invasive ductal carcinoma grade 2, i am waiting for my appoinment to see my oncologist in couple of days. i assume she will order more test

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  • RainDew
    RainDew Member Posts: 305
    edited January 2015

    Ssonia -

    I totally get you. Was 39 at dx (and Dx by fluke - was too young for mammo and PCP waved his hands and sent me away for a YEAR with 'it's a cyst'. Ummm...nope.

    For the first 4 months I was convinced I was doomed. Night time was horrible. I was permanently on the verge of a panic attack. I read every bit of clinical info I could, and freaked myself out more.

    It got better when treatment started - after surgery I realized there was no cancer left in my body (for now!! And knock on wood for ever!) and chemo was a kind of prevention system, as is tami. I did cold caps - totally worked, kept hair, worked thru chemo. Was I exhausted and sick? Yeah, but it was good to keep my life on a bit of even keel. Since I had hair, most of my colleagues didn't even know I had cancer.

    I am now 5 months post treatment - I feel physically fantastic. And emotionally? Well that demon is still sitting on my shoulder, but at least it isn't right in front of my face all the time.

    Breathe girl. You got this!!

    Rain

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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2015


    Thanks Rain, I am seeing a lot about these cold caps, going to look into them. Just in case I need them.

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  • MagicalBean
    MagicalBean Member Posts: 362
    edited January 2015

    Sssonia-I'm sorry you find yourself here but you landed in a fabulous place. Everyone here has experienced the initial shock and paralyzing fear the word "cancer" invokes. Xanax was my best friend for the month between DX and my lumpectomy. Once my doctors and I knew what we were dealing with, and what needed to be done to get me healthy, the fear lessened and I was able relax.

    I saved a few Xanax for my mammo coming up this August. I'm already getting nervous.

    Keep up with school-it will be a valuable diversion for you, and for us.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited February 2015

    Anytime you need to talk we are here I promise it will get better.

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  • Sssonia
    Sssonia Member Posts: 22
    edited February 2015

    wow, all of you thank you !! you have no idea how your words bring me peace. i will conquer this!

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  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited February 2015

    I always feel so bad for nurses who are diagnosed because they know too much...and it

    usually isn't good stuff!  Sending you a hug - you are in the absolute worst part right now

    as others have said.  It will get better when you have a plan in place. 

    My brain would never shut off at night - I had to keep the television on (I always bad mouthed

    people who kept the TV on overnight), but it worked!   Never took any sleep aids or anti-anxiety

    drugs, just wore out a couple of TVs! 

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