My husband won't look at me.

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Evilmidget
Evilmidget Member Posts: 40
edited June 2016 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy

I had my mastectomy a week ago and although I'm not healed by any stretch of the imagination, my scar isn't that bad. I just went to my post-op and found out I have more caner which means radiation (no chemo), but my surgeon also wanted to see my incision and I lifted up my camisole to show her. Meanwhile, I looked out of the corner of my eye at my husband and saw he turned his head toward the wall. I know he has an issue with blood but it's just a scar. Tonight I asked him if he was uncomfortable with my mastectomy and he said, "No". but when I asked if he'd just look at my breast (or lack of breast), he said it wasn't important and he didn't care. We haven't been intimate for awhile due to his impotentance, but this isn't about sex. I'm pretty devastated because it's as if I'm just a thing....like a piece of furniture that's been dinged or something. Is this something that any of you have experienced?


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  • Nomatterwhat
    Nomatterwhat Member Posts: 587
    edited January 2015

    Are you completely flat or do you have "booblets"?  I am still not completely flat because my surgeon thought I was to young (54) and would want reconstruction.  Now I have an appointment with a PS to clean this up and make me flat.  Anyway, my husband looked away as well and he has had a hard time touching my chest.  During the first couple of weeks after my BMX, he would ask me not to change clothes in front of him and he didn't want to help change bandages and wraps and help with drains.  I didn't care what he thought at that point and he had to get over whatever problem he was having with my chest, I needed his help.  I had my BMX in August 2014, chemo and then radiation, which made the right one swell and look worse.  My husband now says I look deflated and being flat and neat would be so much better.  I still don't care what he thinks, I am just happy to be alive. 

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  • Meadow
    Meadow Member Posts: 2,007
    edited January 2015

    Evilmidget.....now I have to say first, I never thought I would start a sentence with that opening name!....I am sorry you have gone thru this. I have to say, some people are so uncomfortable with body image, or body and health issues, or altered figures. It really suprised me that my mom, who adores me, did not want to look at my mastectomy scars, or help with my post op care. I am 53, she is a super healthy active vibrant 82. I share that to let you know it is not a lack of love, but some people just arent wired that way. Of course, it would be wonderful if your husband would reach outside his comfort zone, and do whatever you need to feel good, as you are going thru so much physically and emotionally. That would be the RIGHT thing to do, but....I think men are notorious for not doing the right thing when it comes to meeting our emotional needs. They try. But they are weaker than we are! You are strong. I want to encourage you to keep letting him know your needs, keep expressing how you feel. He may come around. I am sure this is hard for you both. I know you are not alone, and I know others will post here soon with good advice. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs

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  • kcat2013
    kcat2013 Member Posts: 391
    edited January 2015

    You mentioned that you are only 1 week out from surgery, incisions still look pretty raw at that point and aren't a scar yet. As someone who is squeamish I can relate to not wanting to see anything with blood/etc. In fact when I would have my post-op appointments after my mastectomies *I* was the one who would turn away and not look at my incisions. I didnt want to look because I have a history of getting woozy/passing out when I see things like that. Unless your husband has given you reason to believe he is truly bothered by your new chest I would assume he just can't handle the medical side of it. Although we, the breast cancer patients, are right in the center of all the aftermath of cancer treatment we have to remember that our loved ones are also trying to deal with our diagnosis and treatment. Sometimes that means giving them a bit of space to process everything that is happening and not rushing to judge their actions or lack of them. However, if your husband is not loving and supportive of you in general then I'd disregard everything I've said and give him a swift kick in the pants. Hugs.

    Kendra

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  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited January 2015

    i couldn't look at mine for a very long time. My sister who is a nurse was looking at it and checking dressings. My other sister wouldn't look. My daughter was up close taking pictures and i thought "aw, look how much she cares" until i remembered that she is a special effects artist. I wouldn't be able to look at husband's scars if it were reversed.

    I don't think it has anything to do with relationship but am sorry you feel bad

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  • Meadow
    Meadow Member Posts: 2,007
    edited January 2015

    Yes what kcat and wrenn said!


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  • Evilmidget
    Evilmidget Member Posts: 40
    edited January 2015

    Thanks everyone! I think I was just feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday because 1) I didn't get my drains out, which I was really counting on, and 2) more cancer was found as a result of the mastectomy. It was all a little overwhelming. I'm better today.

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  • CassieCat
    CassieCat Member Posts: 1,257
    edited January 2015

    Hang in there, Evilmidget. Nothing about having cancer is easy. :( Took me a while to be able to look at my own incision, and my DH and DD still haven't seen it. DH might have during a dr. visit, but I don't think so. I haven't wanted anyone to look at it yet. I hope today is a better day for you.

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  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited January 2015

    I have to agree with Kcat. I am new to this forum and honestly, I don't even now if I could look at myself after that period of time.

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  • glennie19
    glennie19 Member Posts: 6,398
    edited January 2015


    (((evilmidget)))  hang in there. It's so rough in the beginning.  And you thought you were getting the drains out and it is so disappointing when you dont',,, but you will get there!  We are here for you to vent to!

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  • Nomatterwhat
    Nomatterwhat Member Posts: 587
    edited January 2015

    Evilmidget - give him time.  My husband, who is my rock, my best friend, my soul mate and confidant for the past 32 years has asked me not to show him my chest.  He has always taken great care of me and I truly think he can't handle the whole cancer thing and this lumpy chest reminds him that I could have died.  But I am still fat, sassy and giving him hell and hope to for the next 32 years!!!!  Now that I am done with radiation, I am headed to the PS for him to make me completely flat.  This will always be a reminder that I have had cancer, but I think it will get easier for him with time.  There hasn't been much intimacy in this house either, but he has his moments.  Hang in there, it will get easier.   

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  • kcat2013
    kcat2013 Member Posts: 391
    edited January 2015

    evilmidget I'm sorry you didn't get your drains out and pathology came back with more cancer than was expected! I hated having the drains, I had mine for 2 weeks, blech. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I think the weeks after surgery are pretty hard emotionally, with lots of ups and downs.

    Kendra

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  • Jpicch
    Jpicch Member Posts: 14
    edited June 2016

    Meadow, So beautifully said! I think you are right. Also would add that some men can't handle the early days of scars/recovery but may evolve and surprise you once there is more healing.

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