Pending Separation

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cenri76
cenri76 Member Posts: 31
edited January 2015 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

DH and I have been together 19+ years. We have 5 boys together, a house, a business, cars, boats, motorcycles and 19 years worth of stuff, history, love and drama. We have separated a few times before, due to his constant infidelity. I took him back time and time again. My first husband committed suicide when I was 18 and I'm sure that had a lot to do with my insecurity with DH. During our last separation, I finally moved on. Got a great job, met someone else. He then wanted me back. After a few years of testing the waters, and telling him if he ever cheated on me again, that would be it, I finally agreed. We were happier than we'd ever been. We decided to have 2 more babies. I quit my job, had a baby, had another baby and then was diagnosed with cancer, all within 3 1/2 years. I'm now 3 months out of rads and I found proof, from a month ago, that he's cheating again.

The question now isn't should I kick him to the curb, but HOW. Do I tell him we need to talk? Do I get my affairs in order first? What would be all the affairs to get in order?

This is new territory for me as before, I flew off the handle. But I'm over that. This is like the umpteenth time he's been caught. I'm not going to cause a scene. I'm not going to bad mouth him to everyone around me and certainly not to our sons. But I can not accept this anymore. I'm not sure if it's the history of his cheating that makes this decision so clear for me, or if it's facing death that's given me this courage. And as much as it sucks to think of my babies growing up without their daddy in the house, I can't imagine being cheated on and lied to for another 20 years of my life. Obviously he's not going to change and my Dad was right......"a leopard never changes his spots".

He's going to turn this around on me. He always does. He's going to try to hurt me with words and take away money.

This is going to suck.

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Comments

  • concernedhubbyalan
    concernedhubbyalan Member Posts: 97
    edited January 2015

    How could any man do that?

    I'm sitting here in my wife's hospital room after a 12 hour surgery that included a double mastectomy and a TRAM flap. Every time she winces in pain, so do I. I'd sooner swim in a shark tank with a beef flavored swim suit than do anything to hurt her.

    Anyway, my advice is this: Have a male relative, trusted friend, or what have you be with you when you tell him it's over. Your health, mental and physical, are your biggest concerns, especially with children involved.

    Get a lawyer when you're up to it and snag everything you can. Make his sorry a-- live at the Y. Cheating on one's wife is low enough, but to cheat on her when she's battling breast cancer is bottom feeder material.

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  • cenri76
    cenri76 Member Posts: 31
    edited January 2015

    Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear from a male perspective. Your wife is very blessed to have your support.

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  • lekker
    lekker Member Posts: 594
    edited January 2015

    You said he has a history of taking away money. If that's true, see a lawyer before you do or say anything else to anyone. Different states have different laws, but you need a professional to guide you and help protect your assets and children. Did you ever get a definitive diagnosis whether you have Breast cancer or mets from somewhere else? It might come into play when calculating spousal support so it would be good info to give the lawyer. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this

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  • LakesideWLabs
    LakesideWLabs Member Posts: 29
    edited January 2015

    agree with lekker: see a lawyer before you do anything. You are taking a very clear thoughtful rational approach to an emotional irrational situation. You should be proud of yourself. Best of luck to you

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  • cenri76
    cenri76 Member Posts: 31
    edited January 2015

    All 3 of my doctors (and a second opinion) agree that it is breast cancer. The only answer they can give me about my pathology report and the confusing results is just that....it's confusing. The cells morphed so much that they look nothing like breast cells. That could be part of the metaplastic diagnosis though.

    Honestly, my life has been so stressful, I haven't even worried about the cancer side of it since my last scare in November. (MRI showed an intra-mammary lymph node in my right breast, which is being watched).

    He has not left me since my diagnosis, but has talked about it a lot. Now I know why. I think his guilt isn't strong enough to not cheat, but it's strong enough to not leave.

    I hate the thought of lawyers or the fight that will bring on. I just wish I could survive without his financial help. As of right now, I can't do that. But I am going to figure it out.

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  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited January 2015

    Cenrii76: you can do it...just remember that he is the one with the problem, not you. You must see a lawyer to protect you and the children's interests. What an asshole he is.

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  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited January 2015

    having left a cheater after giving many chances i can say that thinking about doing it was way harder than doing it. You will feel so strong (just when you need strength for recovery) that you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I wish you the best

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  • Sunshineinky
    Sunshineinky Member Posts: 461
    edited January 2015
    Please know you are not alone! I finished treatment in July and found out my husband was cheating in September. He had an emotional affair that I'm certain would have turned sexual had it not been caught.

    We've been married almost 21 years. While we are still together, I don't trust him and I've lost all respect for him. We too have a lot of property and businesses but in to a point that I just need my sanity back. I can't wrap my head around why he did it or the fact that he did it while I was suffering through rads.

    Good luck to you!
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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited January 2015

    I have just separated from my partner of nearly 20 years, I have no proper home, no income and no job and no rights as we were not married......but it is the right thing to be doing even though it has its own challenges....I think you are coping incredibly well and please do ensure you get proper advice and make sure you are protected before asking him to leave....good luck

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  • Wilsie2
    Wilsie2 Member Posts: 441
    edited January 2015

    Be sure you can keep your insurance coverage. I hope you have family and friends to support you emotionally. I went through pretty much the same thing. Your health is the most important thing, and I firmly believe that emotional stress contributes a lot to your cancer. I will be praying for your strength during this hard time. Wilsie

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  • cenri76
    cenri76 Member Posts: 31
    edited January 2015

    Thank you for the advice. I'm keeping my cool, but it's a little hard to act like everything is normal when I know it's not and my whole family's world is going to change very soon. I need to take care of a few things before I let the cat out of the bag.

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  • Lucy55
    Lucy55 Member Posts: 3,044
    edited January 2015

    Cenri76..Just want you to know that I think you are doing the right thing.. In the end you and the kids will be much happier when you don't have to worry about what he's up to when he's not home !! You are a young woman, and will go on to have a happy life with someone you can trust.. My Mum always used to say that as one door closed , another opened... and I've found her to be right over and over again. ((Hugs))

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