Those Baby Questions

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fd1
fd1 Member Posts: 239
edited January 2015 in Young With Breast Cancer

I was wondering how all of you deal with the emotions related to babies? 

I am 33 and most of my friends have been having babies recently.  The question inevitably comes up as to when my husband and I are planning to start a family.  These people know that I have been through cancer but are understandably ignorant to the fact that most breast cancer comes with five-year hormonal treatment and/or the infertility from chemotherapy.  It is difficult enough to deal with feeling jealousy and sadness when you want and are supposed to feel happiness for others, but then to have to answer that question - ugh!  Lying is bad, but the truth is so awful too. 

I think most child-free women also experience the pain of losing closeness with their female friends.   I've had this situation where my sister-in-law and close friend gave birth within a week of each other.  My sister-in-law found out that my friend was pregnant, reached out on Facebook, and has been hanging out and contacting her regularly, and I basically only see her at family events now.  Even though I understand the need to have friends in similar situations, it makes me feel as if she has replaced me with my friend.  Not too nice... 

Does anybody have any advice on how to manage these feelings?  Or maybe you need to vent a bit yourself which will make me feel less alone.  :)  This whole baby thing feels like add insult to injury!

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  • christina0001
    christina0001 Member Posts: 1,491
    edited June 2014

    I struggle with this as well. I never planned on being child free but here I am, 35, no kids, ob/gyn encouraged me to consider adoption. Definitely a sour frosting on a very bitter cake.

    When folks ask me about having kids, I just smile and shrug. It's really not their business and I would only feel comfortable discussing it with a select few. Frankly it's hard for me to discuss without crying, and I am not a crier.

    I hate to say it but as much as I like kids, I don't like being around pregnant people and I feel angry and depressed when people I know get pregnant, and I am jealous of other people's families. Hopefully in time this will ease... I'm 2.5 years post diagnosis and I am far from being at peace with this.

    I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't. It sucks!

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  • Trisha-Anne
    Trisha-Anne Member Posts: 2,112
    edited June 2014

    I'm not young, but I can relate to how you are feeling.

    I desperately wanted to have a family when I was younger, but couldn't for medical reasons - nothing to do with cancer. I ended up having a hyster at 28 and it was very hard to deal with. I also had the problem that all my friends were having families and I felt like I was an outsider.

    It didn't help when some "friends" didn't even want me to babysit or cuddle their babies, I'm not really sure why - but felt it was because I couldn't have my own, so I was somehow "damaged".  I think they just felt uncomfortable about how it might hurt me to hold and cuddle a baby that I could never have. But it didn't feel that way at the time.

    I'm in my mid fifties now, and with the wisdom of years, can tell you that, for me at least, time has helped heal pretty much all my distress. For me it was like losing a loved one - I grieved for a long time, and gradually got used to my life as it was.

    It doesn't help you now with all the emotions you are undergoing - but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I understand how you feel and to send you (((hugs)))

    Trish

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2014

    As far as questions - I'm very recently married, so I think most people assume we want some time to ourselves before kids. If I do get asked, I plan to either be honest that I have to wait until it's safe to take a break from my cancer meds or if I don't want to get into it, I'll say that we want to enjoy our "just us" time for awhile. Even if you've been married for awhile, you can still use a variation of that like, "Even after five years we are still honeymooning!"

    If it turns out chemo has pushed me into permanent menopause, I'm not sure how I'd handle that. One of my good friends struggled with fertility issues a few years ago so maybe I'll ask her for advice.

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  • mz_mes
    mz_mes Member Posts: 66
    edited July 2014

    I am so sorry that your friend has become less close with you now that she is a parent.  I'm sure this really stings.   It takes a lot of work to maintain friendships when you become a parent.   It isn't you at all!  If you think your friend is a keeper you may need to work at staying
    close to her otherwise you can form close attachments elsewhere.

    We wanted a big family but got a late start.  I'm mom to 4 kids. I gave birth to two daughters and we adopted two sons.  No matter how a child becomes yours you love them just as intensely.  I was 36 for my first daughter and 40 for the second.   I always knew I wanted to adopt because my grandmom was adopted.  She spoke about how very lucky she felt to have a family who choose to love her.  We looked into adoption after the birth of our first child.   We adopted our sons from foster care as domestic adoptions.  No costs just a 8 week training course, lots of paperwork and social worker visits.  Very easy actually.    Our first son was a baby when he joined us and the second was a tween.   Both were surprisingly easy adjustments for us.   It is totally understandable that adoption isn't your preferred choice for becoming parents because the urge to bear children is so very natural and strong.  Most parents turn to adoption only after other options don't work and adoption agencies have experience helping folks adjust to becoming an adoptive parent.   I hope you don't rule out adoption as there are so many deserving children who need loving families.  Just like giving birth is wonderful, adopting a child is also a wonderful way to become a family.   In the end how you become a parent doesn't matter,   It seems you do have love to give to a child and you'll find your own way to becoming a parent when the time is right for you. 

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  • fd1
    fd1 Member Posts: 239
    edited July 2014

    Thanks for your support.  It just feels good to reaffirm that my feelings are normal because they are such crappy ones to have!  I cognitively want to feel good for people so it feels just plain awful not to. 

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  • Cuetang
    Cuetang Member Posts: 575
    edited July 2014

    fd1-- it's totally normal.  My husband and I decided to enjoy a few years of marriage before we tried to have kids, and then bam--you have breast cancer.  Sometimes it appears that everyone around you and younger are having babies.  Sometimes I don't care and sometimes it does get to me (I'm 34 now).  However, I'm doing my best to enjoy life and not let breast cancer take away the rest of life's happiness from me. :)

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  • M0mmyof3
    M0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,696
    edited September 2014

    I wanted kids for a very long time, even if I had to adopt to have a family. I know its different for everyone, but the longer things go, maybe I'm just adjusting to the possibility that this won't be part of my life. Even if it never happens, I do count myself as a mommy because I have two very sweet furbabies (cat and dog) that I have raised since they were tiny and they have shown me all the love that a child could give should I never have children any other way.

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  • Nara19
    Nara19 Member Posts: 17
    edited October 2014

    HELLO EVERYONE.

    I also have a baby question. 

    I just wanted know if it is possible to get pregnant after treatment AC 4 times every three weeks. Taxol 12 times weekly.

    I'm 35  and want to know if anybody had kids after treatments?

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  • fd1
    fd1 Member Posts: 239
    edited October 2014

    Hey Nara - yes, it is possible.  In fact there is a whole thread of women discussing this.  I think you can search for "pregnant after chemo" or something like that.  It really depends on the individual and their age, but comparatively AC-T is one of the more gentle on fertility.  Have you started chemo yet?  You may want to look into see a fertility expert before starting to discuss ways to preserve your fertility.  

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  • Nara19
    Nara19 Member Posts: 17
    edited November 2014

    awwww thank u so much!!!!!!!

    I just finished all my chemos today!!! Yayayayay I feel great.

    Thank you for ur reply, I will check it out.

    I'm 34 and I hope I still have time to have a baby!

    How are u feeling

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  • fd1
    fd1 Member Posts: 239
    edited November 2014

    Feeling great thanks! I've been on tamoxifen for two years and the consensus at my hospital is that it is safe to stop tamoxifen and start trying for babies now. I'll be 34 in January. :) I hope that you get some inspiration from that thread - there is hope!

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  • Lolis197138
    Lolis197138 Member Posts: 512
    edited January 2015

    Hi All,

    I also have issues with the baby topic. 

    I got pregnant a few months I got married in. 2013 but had a miscarriage at 8weeks. Dealing with that pain was hard as I have been wanting a family and big family for long time. However, I was optimistic that I would get pregnant again so I wasn't too worried. Then four months after my miscarriage I got diagnosed with breast cancer. We did a round of fertility preservation (I didn't know the hormone status of the cancer) and we have 6 frozen embryos. The day after the procedure I found out that the cancer was more advanced than I thought and highly hormonal. I finished all my treatments and I have been in menopause for the last 6 months. My husband doesn't want me to carry a child due to the cancer (95% ER+ and 85% PR+) plus my MO said that if I were her wife she would tell me not to get pregnant. We have to go thru the surrogacy way and I want to wait 2 years before we start. 

    Even with the frozen embryos and a chance of having a child, I find it really hard not to cry or be said when people announce their pregnancies and baby births. Ever since my miscarriage a lot of friends and a few cousins have had their babies. I am mad at the cards that we get dealt and although I know that my miscarriage saved my life (I had an u/s a year before I was diagnosed and it was normal) I can't help but feeling sad and robbed!!! I have mad peace with having cancer but I can't deal with the fact that I won't ever be pregnant again. 

    My MO mentioned that a lot of her patients take a break from Tamoxifen to have kids. Also there is another forum called young survival coalition where can read stories of post BC babies. 

    FD1 I just turned 34 at the beginning of January. Happy birthday to you as well!! 

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  • fd1
    fd1 Member Posts: 239
    edited January 2015

    Hey Lolis - wow, what you wrote sounds exactly like what I am going through. Canadian Capricorns unite! Heehee. My oncologist moved hospitals and the new one wants me to stay on Tamoxifen until at least September, the three year mark. It's a bit discouraging but we'll get there and like you said, there is also surrogacy and adoption. For now I'm trying to stay positive - we are very active, travel a lot, and love to go out. We wouldn't be able to do those things with a child so I keep reinforcing to myself that, although my experience is different, I'm still having a blast. :D

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