Those Baby Questions
I was wondering how all of you deal with the emotions related to babies?
I am 33 and most of my friends have been having babies recently. The question inevitably comes up as to when my husband and I are planning to start a family. These people know that I have been through cancer but are understandably ignorant to the fact that most breast cancer comes with five-year hormonal treatment and/or the infertility from chemotherapy. It is difficult enough to deal with feeling jealousy and sadness when you want and are supposed to feel happiness for others, but then to have to answer that question - ugh! Lying is bad, but the truth is so awful too.
I think most child-free women also experience the pain of losing closeness with their female friends. I've had this situation where my sister-in-law and close friend gave birth within a week of each other. My sister-in-law found out that my friend was pregnant, reached out on Facebook, and has been hanging out and contacting her regularly, and I basically only see her at family events now. Even though I understand the need to have friends in similar situations, it makes me feel as if she has replaced me with my friend. Not too nice...
Does anybody have any advice on how to manage these feelings? Or maybe you need to vent a bit yourself which will make me feel less alone. This whole baby thing feels like add insult to injury!
Comments
-
I struggle with this as well. I never planned on being child free but here I am, 35, no kids, ob/gyn encouraged me to consider adoption. Definitely a sour frosting on a very bitter cake.
When folks ask me about having kids, I just smile and shrug. It's really not their business and I would only feel comfortable discussing it with a select few. Frankly it's hard for me to discuss without crying, and I am not a crier.
I hate to say it but as much as I like kids, I don't like being around pregnant people and I feel angry and depressed when people I know get pregnant, and I am jealous of other people's families. Hopefully in time this will ease... I'm 2.5 years post diagnosis and I am far from being at peace with this.
I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't. It sucks!
-
I'm not young, but I can relate to how you are feeling.
I desperately wanted to have a family when I was younger, but couldn't for medical reasons - nothing to do with cancer. I ended up having a hyster at 28 and it was very hard to deal with. I also had the problem that all my friends were having families and I felt like I was an outsider.
It didn't help when some "friends" didn't even want me to babysit or cuddle their babies, I'm not really sure why - but felt it was because I couldn't have my own, so I was somehow "damaged". I think they just felt uncomfortable about how it might hurt me to hold and cuddle a baby that I could never have. But it didn't feel that way at the time.
I'm in my mid fifties now, and with the wisdom of years, can tell you that, for me at least, time has helped heal pretty much all my distress. For me it was like losing a loved one - I grieved for a long time, and gradually got used to my life as it was.
It doesn't help you now with all the emotions you are undergoing - but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I understand how you feel and to send you (((hugs)))
Trish
-
As far as questions - I'm very recently married, so I think most people assume we want some time to ourselves before kids. If I do get asked, I plan to either be honest that I have to wait until it's safe to take a break from my cancer meds or if I don't want to get into it, I'll say that we want to enjoy our "just us" time for awhile. Even if you've been married for awhile, you can still use a variation of that like, "Even after five years we are still honeymooning!"
If it turns out chemo has pushed me into permanent menopause, I'm not sure how I'd handle that. One of my good friends struggled with fertility issues a few years ago so maybe I'll ask her for advice.
-
I am so sorry that your friend has become less close with you now that she is a parent. I'm sure this really stings. It takes a lot of work to maintain friendships when you become a parent. It isn't you at all! If you think your friend is a keeper you may need to work at staying
close to her otherwise you can form close attachments elsewhere.We wanted a big family but got a late start. I'm mom to 4 kids. I gave birth to two daughters and we adopted two sons. No matter how a child becomes yours you love them just as intensely. I was 36 for my first daughter and 40 for the second. I always knew I wanted to adopt because my grandmom was adopted. She spoke about how very lucky she felt to have a family who choose to love her. We looked into adoption after the birth of our first child. We adopted our sons from foster care as domestic adoptions. No costs just a 8 week training course, lots of paperwork and social worker visits. Very easy actually. Our first son was a baby when he joined us and the second was a tween. Both were surprisingly easy adjustments for us. It is totally understandable that adoption isn't your preferred choice for becoming parents because the urge to bear children is so very natural and strong. Most parents turn to adoption only after other options don't work and adoption agencies have experience helping folks adjust to becoming an adoptive parent. I hope you don't rule out adoption as there are so many deserving children who need loving families. Just like giving birth is wonderful, adopting a child is also a wonderful way to become a family. In the end how you become a parent doesn't matter, It seems you do have love to give to a child and you'll find your own way to becoming a parent when the time is right for you.
-
Thanks for your support. It just feels good to reaffirm that my feelings are normal because they are such crappy ones to have! I cognitively want to feel good for people so it feels just plain awful not to.
-
fd1-- it's totally normal. My husband and I decided to enjoy a few years of marriage before we tried to have kids, and then bam--you have breast cancer. Sometimes it appears that everyone around you and younger are having babies. Sometimes I don't care and sometimes it does get to me (I'm 34 now). However, I'm doing my best to enjoy life and not let breast cancer take away the rest of life's happiness from me.
-
I wanted kids for a very long time, even if I had to adopt to have a family. I know its different for everyone, but the longer things go, maybe I'm just adjusting to the possibility that this won't be part of my life. Even if it never happens, I do count myself as a mommy because I have two very sweet furbabies (cat and dog) that I have raised since they were tiny and they have shown me all the love that a child could give should I never have children any other way.
-
HELLO EVERYONE.
I also have a baby question.
I just wanted know if it is possible to get pregnant after treatment AC 4 times every three weeks. Taxol 12 times weekly.
I'm 35 and want to know if anybody had kids after treatments?
-
Hey Nara - yes, it is possible. In fact there is a whole thread of women discussing this. I think you can search for "pregnant after chemo" or something like that. It really depends on the individual and their age, but comparatively AC-T is one of the more gentle on fertility. Have you started chemo yet? You may want to look into see a fertility expert before starting to discuss ways to preserve your fertility.
-
awwww thank u so much!!!!!!!
I just finished all my chemos today!!! Yayayayay I feel great.
Thank you for ur reply, I will check it out.
I'm 34 and I hope I still have time to have a baby!
How are u feeling
-
Feeling great thanks! I've been on tamoxifen for two years and the consensus at my hospital is that it is safe to stop tamoxifen and start trying for babies now. I'll be 34 in January.
I hope that you get some inspiration from that thread - there is hope!
-
Hi All,
I also have issues with the baby topic.
I got pregnant a few months I got married in. 2013 but had a miscarriage at 8weeks. Dealing with that pain was hard as I have been wanting a family and big family for long time. However, I was optimistic that I would get pregnant again so I wasn't too worried. Then four months after my miscarriage I got diagnosed with breast cancer. We did a round of fertility preservation (I didn't know the hormone status of the cancer) and we have 6 frozen embryos. The day after the procedure I found out that the cancer was more advanced than I thought and highly hormonal. I finished all my treatments and I have been in menopause for the last 6 months. My husband doesn't want me to carry a child due to the cancer (95% ER+ and 85% PR+) plus my MO said that if I were her wife she would tell me not to get pregnant. We have to go thru the surrogacy way and I want to wait 2 years before we start.
Even with the frozen embryos and a chance of having a child, I find it really hard not to cry or be said when people announce their pregnancies and baby births. Ever since my miscarriage a lot of friends and a few cousins have had their babies. I am mad at the cards that we get dealt and although I know that my miscarriage saved my life (I had an u/s a year before I was diagnosed and it was normal) I can't help but feeling sad and robbed!!! I have mad peace with having cancer but I can't deal with the fact that I won't ever be pregnant again.
My MO mentioned that a lot of her patients take a break from Tamoxifen to have kids. Also there is another forum called young survival coalition where can read stories of post BC babies.
FD1 I just turned 34 at the beginning of January. Happy birthday to you as well!!
-
Hey Lolis - wow, what you wrote sounds exactly like what I am going through. Canadian Capricorns unite! Heehee. My oncologist moved hospitals and the new one wants me to stay on Tamoxifen until at least September, the three year mark. It's a bit discouraging but we'll get there and like you said, there is also surrogacy and adoption. For now I'm trying to stay positive - we are very active, travel a lot, and love to go out. We wouldn't be able to do those things with a child so I keep reinforcing to myself that, although my experience is different, I'm still having a blast.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team