I just said "If I die" :(

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Lillp07
Lillp07 Member Posts: 124
edited January 2015 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My youngest daughter has always been quite misbehaved and today I was saying to my Mum. I wish she would be good because if I die, I don't want the way she treats me to be a regret forever. I can't believe I said it. My Mum looked shocked and said "But its early breast cancer and your doctor said you have an excellent prognosis, you won't die". I feel like I have panicked my Mum and now I have freaked myself out and am so sad. :(

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2015

    Don't be so hard on yourself Lill. I think many of us have those same thoughts when first diagnosed. Gentle hugs to you...you will get through this!!

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited January 2015

    Awww, Lillp, Slowdeepbreaths is right, don't beat yourself up, there wouldn't be one of us that hasn't thought or said that at some point. I was Dx with DCIS and I still stressed and worried, that it was going to be more than, just that. It is the elephant in the room!

    I am sure your Mother will see that comment for what it was, a reaction to a frustrating moment when our children can exasperate us, with their thoughtless behavior.

    Big hugs to you!

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  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited January 2015


    Lillp07 - So sorry - we all feel that way at first - it is just so darn scary.  One lesson I have learned along the cancer way is family and friends who love you do not want to hear the "die" word.   I said it at least 10 times before I learned my lesson.  It would just get them all emotional, their responses would make me feel worse and I felt totally misunderstood.   Especially during chemo --

    during chemo there are many times when you do just feel like giving up and dying.  Those are normal feelings I realize now.  But I learned to say them on these boards or in a support group or someone who was okay with my talking about it.   The only person that responded well to me when I told them I felt like dying was my 26 yr old niece.  She gave me such comfort with these words:  "Of course you feel like dying.  Look what all you are going through.  It's okay."

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  • shelleym1
    shelleym1 Member Posts: 298
    edited January 2015

    Lill that sounds exactly like my moms response. She refuses to even hear the word die come out of me. In a way it makes me feel better but sometimes I worry that she may not see that it's a (hopefully unlikely) possibility at some point. I am newly diagnosed and I know that word crosses my mind much more than it ever did before.

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  • Lillp07
    Lillp07 Member Posts: 124
    edited January 2015

    Thank you eveyone. I am feeling a lot better today. I had a lot on yesterday. My head shave, my blood test before second chemo and the girls were being naughty.

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  • WinningSoFar
    WinningSoFar Member Posts: 951
    edited January 2015

    One thing about coming to this board is that we can say the word 'die'. I'm stage IV and I've been severely lectured by mentioning the word 'die'. Lectured of course by a person who has never been diagnosed with anything serious. I just avoid her now and if I do talk to her, it's just all happy talk. I know she means well, but she can't take the truth (as they say in the movies).

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  • PititAmi
    PititAmi Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2015

    My therapist who is wonderful spent our whole first session talking about death. We don't get out of life alive and a cancer diagnosis just puts your mortality right there to deal with. It is natural and it was calming to talk about it with him. He said "Yes there is a chance this will kill you. There is a bigger chance that it won't. It would be naive not to think about both outcomes. Just be sure you spend time thinking about both of them." That made a lot of sense to me. I told him I wanted to do this with dignity. He said he would like to suggest another goal. Do it with honesty. If you are scared, say so. If you are in denial, say so. If you are angry, say so. I am trying hard to live with those words.

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  • bobogirl
    bobogirl Member Posts: 2,777
    edited January 2015

    Lillip, these are such great responses from our sisters. I just want to add to them some hugs for you and your naughty daughter! My daughter is naughty too.

    {{{lil}}}

    {{{naughty daughter}}}

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  • Lillp07
    Lillp07 Member Posts: 124
    edited January 2015

    Such great advice. Thank you. I love "it could kill you but theres a bigger chance it won't" thats great :)

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited January 2015

    PititAmi - I want your therapist! Amazing words! I also feel strongly that you should feel what you feel. Also I believe you either deal with it now or you'll deal with it later.

    Happy Sunday. Hugs to all!

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