How do I deal with my wife's friends?

Let her handle her friends.

Naturally it depends also on your relationship to your wife's friends. If it is close, you could perhaps make suggestions to them on what they could do to be helpful to her (and you). Sometimes friends want to be helpful and just don't know how to do so. Maybe you both could also find a sentence or so that she/you could say to these friends like... I know you want to help by providing advice, but right now it would be most helpful if you could just .... hold my hand, listen to me, take me out for an evening without cancer talk, drive me, get a coffee together, etc....

It is a tough situation.

One thing your wife might say when offered advice such as she's been getting from some of her friends is, "That's interesting. Can you point me towards research or information to substantiate what you're talking about?" If they can, and if it's from a reputable source (e.g. a university teaching hospital), then she may want to read it. If not, then it's just hearsay or alarmist rhetoric, and can be dismissed. I had friends bring me a lot of alternative information, something I've always been very interested in and very open to for things other than cancer. But as I glanced at those articles, it quickly became clear to me that my conventional docs knew far more about breast cancer than the "health writers" or whatever they were who had absolutely no real world experience treating bc.

And, believe me, being offered "helpful" advice is far better than being told stories about so-and-so's mother-in-law's sister's cousin who had bc and didn't make it. I found and still find those kinds of comments far more insensitive and annoying than someone suggesting I should be using Essiac tea, or looking into a clinic in Mexico. Hopefully your wife will quickly learn to sort out the good advice from the ridiculous, and not let friends who are only trying to help get to her or to you. Deanna

One other idea is for her to talk with someone who has "been there done that".  Many cancer centers have programs where they will match patients with mentors. 

Really, she will have to handle her friends.  If she has some sources of good information, she'll have what she needs to laugh off the bad information.  I second the concept of asking where the suggestor is getting their information.

I think we all just grin and bear this type of thing. If the two of you can have a laugh each night over the new wingnut advice of the day, then she will get through this part just fine. When my friends gave advice, I thanked them, asked for references, and told them that I was making the decisions I felt the most comfortable with based on the research I reviewed. I also reminded them that no one really knows what they might do until they are actually faced with the decision. Having a caring partner is so helpful when going through this. Best wishes to you both.

I got the advice that would have killed me if I had been stupid enough to follow it and also those who wanted me to fly to New York to talk to a "real expert" as they didn't believe there were any in Seattle. I dealt with this as a one-off. One thing I did was not tell very many people until I had the rough outlines of my treatment plan.

I also held a "global virtual wine party" to celebrate surgery and other treatment milestones. This gave friends a way of participating, but without intruding on me. There was a crowd where I grew up who wanted me to join the "maimed for life cancer club". I declined.

I didn't do a second opinion as quite clear from the start that I would need quite aggressive treatment, but that is another route you might go. So say something like "we had a second oncologist review her case and s/he agrees with the diagnosis and treatment plan".

Ruth has excellent advice too. I laughed at the "wingnut advice". One funny thing I learned was that a friend of one of my close friends is really that uninformed and she runs a patient support organization for another disease. So confirmed what I had thought of this woman...wealthy flake!

Anyway....good luck, and will be thinking of you and your wife. One thing you can do is intervene with the alarmists who want to know (and spread) the worst. That is what caller ID is for, and you can field those calls. This will leave her with her friends she really wants to talk to.

You will both get through this. Good luck! - Claire

One tried-and-true way to avoid hearing a lot of unsolicited advice is to ask the friend what they are up to. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway.

I really liked these posts by Mary Elizabeth Williams regarding how to talk about a friend's and one's own cancer. I didn't realize when I read them that I would need them within a few months.

http://www.salon.com/2011/12/14/how_to_talk_about_...

http://www.salon.com/2011/12/13/how_to_talk_to_som...

There's also separating the friends who truly and sincerely care from those who just want to have bragging rights to the latest news regarding your wife during her treatment.

I well remember the first several months when I was getting tested, diagnosed and setting up a treatment schedule. My husband and I screened our phone calls. We answered only a select few. I asked one of my sisters to relay information to the rest of the family. I let my husband give information, yes, even the bad stuff. We knew people were well intentioned, but we had to protect our own emotions first and foremost.

Here's another thing. It is really okay to get offended by the ignorant things people say. You are in a completely new situation, so come up with new ways to deal with the onslaught of ridiculous comments. You are allowed to say, " we are only comfortable speaking with trained medical personnel about this". You are allowed to be snobs about it. Because most people who haven't experienced this haven't got a clue what it's like. You are allowed to say, "your comments are making me feel bad. Is that what you want?" You may end up ruffling feathers or offending some people.

And when I say you, I mean you and your wife.

Once, a coworker, who meant well, was babbling to me and another coworker (who'd also had bc) about how she admired us because she knew this person and that relative who had died from it. The other woman with the bc diagnosis stopped the first woman right in the middle of her babbling and said very emphatically, " WE do not want to hear this. That is not making us feel better." Let me tell you, it really made an impression on me that I won't ever forget.